Getting Dumped

There is no pain to equal the agony of getting dumped, with the single exception of the pain some people experience when they come to understand that their parents, for whatever reasons, don't love them. Unrequited love is the single most horrible thing that can happen to you, assuming you're not living in a war-torn country or as a political prisoner in a CIA prison. Loving someone and then learning he or she doesn't love you is nearly impossible to tolerate, yet the heart continues beating.

There is no single piece of advice that can solve the problem of unrequited love. The most you can hope for is to keep functioning until the despair fades, and let's face it, for the tragically romantic, that can take years.

Yearning is a dreadful way to spend your time, and yearning for someone you'll never have is as futile as it is necessary. Who knows why the heart fixes on one person, falls in love and can't let go, no matter what? And because people so often don't say what they mean (and even less often mean what they say), it's possible to be completely mistaken about the way your Other is truly feeling until he or she stops answering the phone when you call, or shows up on the arm of someone new. Part of getting dumped that causes so much pain is the humiliation of not having known that the beloved one didn't share your love. But grown-up love is rarely like grade school, where you can always pass a note that says, "Do you love me? Check yes or no." The signs and symbols are complex, and sometimes people hedge their bets by pretending love, then back away when you least expect it. And of course, there is a special section of Hell reserved for people who just lie and stomp on trusting hearts because they're lazy or spiteful or players in a sad, sick game.

There are various ways of coping with a break-up you didn't choose. It's definitely easier if you have plenty of money, because you can do a geographic, which can be helpful. A few months in a Parisian hotel, drinking Champagne and sobbing into a down pillow would make being abandoned by love a bit more pleasant. But even for the rich, being alone and in love is tortuous; dealing with it can be a day-to-day or even moment-to-moment process of gritting your teeth and waiting it out. It doesn't help the pain to hear that the pain will eventually fade, yet that's how people will try to comfort you. It will fade: it almost always does. Until then, it's horrible, and all you can hope for is amnesia, and soon. In case you don't hit your head and forget, here are some tips for daily life to speed the time until your heart returns to you again. You don't believe it right now, but one day you'll own your heart again.

1. Be gentle with yourself. Don't blame yourself and don't punish yourself either. Treat yourself as you would your best friend suffering under the same circumstances. Buy yourself treats, go out of your way to cheer yourself up. Support yourself and try to talk encouragingly to yourself too.

2. Be firm, though. Sitting at home, crying over letters or photos and spending time by yourself are all guaranteed to make you feel even worse. Give yourself three days of all out grief, and then force yourself out of the house and away from the reminders of the relationship.

3. Create a schedule. If you don't already have a rigid, 24-hour-a-day schedule, make one. Get a planner and plan every minute of your day. Stay busy. Shoot for being so tired at the end of the day that you fall into bed and go right to sleep.

4. Go outside. Depression can set in if you allow yourself to slow down, if you spend a lot of time sleeping or if you stay indoors where there isn't adequate light. Get outside every day, rain or shine. You'll get some exercise and brighter light, both of which will give you a boost of serotonin, an important neurotransmitter that helps prevent depression.

5. Lean on your friends. Don't sit home alone if you have any other option. Let your friends help distract you. Go to lunch, accept invitations to parties, even go on blind dates if your friends want to set you up. Don't expect to suddenly recover, but in the name of staying busy and connected with your buddies, take on whatever social challenges arise.

6. Watch out for rebound. Rebound can be a lovely distraction, and some people fall in love right away. But there can be dangerous consequences. If the person you're seeing isn't moving as quickly as you, you may be rejected and get a double whammy of being dumped, which is horrible for the self esteem. If that person has been waiting for love, you risk breaking their heart if you wake one day and find yourself in a relationship that you didn't really bargain for. Take it slow. Play, but let people know you're in recovery.

7. Pay attention to your chemicals. Chocolate is good for heartbreak: dark chocolate has chemicals that contribute to elation and well-being. Sugar, on the other hand, in quantity, will make you feel great for ten minutes and just awful after that. Don't try to ease your pain by increasing your intake of alcohol or drugs: you'll just end up with new problems. Do make sure you get plenty of real nutrition; iron, fiber, vitamins, the stuff that comes in actual food. And consider trying supplements like ginseng for energy or 5HTP to boost your mood and help you sleep. Make your health a priority: the least that will happen is you'll have a new interest to explore.

8. Exercise. If all you want to do is lie on the couch, who can blame you? But don't do it: get yourself someplace where you can move around. Walk, jog, dance, do yoga, bike, chop wood, haul water, work in the garden. You're doing more than one thing here; you're increasing your levels of neurotransmitters, which can prevent depression; you're using your body, which is good for your digestion, your heart and lungs and your spirit. You're also doing things that may lead to increased social interaction-all of which are good for you.

9. Help someone. One of the best things you can do for your own feeling of well-being is to volunteer. Help someone learn to read, play basketball with kids, get down to the shelter and make some soup or visit the old folks' home and read to people whose eyes aren't up to the job. Build houses, collect food or walk dogs. A great poet once said that pain carves out more room for joy. The spiritual benefits of volunteering are incalculable; use your pain to generate and express compassion for others. And apply that compassion to yourself: taking care of others also teaches you ways to care for yourself.

10. Stop asking why. The question we ask when we wonder what we did wrong, or what was wrong with our beloved that he or she would abandon us, is probably the more general question that goes, "Why do I love when I am not loved?" The answer is that human beings are programmed to love: it's in our spirit, in our very DNA. Children love their parents, even when their parents don't love them. Asking why doesn't get you anywhere. Think of yourself as a flower, perfuming the air, even when there's no one to appreciate it.

11. If you're stuck, get help. If getting dumped has laid you low, if you've been crying, not sleeping, not eating or eating compulsively, you may have fallen into a clinical depression. If you've been feeling miserable for more than a month, check in with your doctor and try one of the modern mood therapies, either herbs like St. John's Wort, light therapy to increase your serotonin levels, talk therapy for support, or drug therapy with antidepressants. If you're considering suicide, get help right away by calling a suicide hotline or checking in at the local mental health clinic. Unrequited love doesn't have to ruin your life: don't let it.