Getting Lost in Love's Illusions

A lot of the myths we harbor about falling in love make it sound like a permanent state of intoxication. We talk about being "carried away", "swept off our feet" and "transported". These euphemisms may actually be all too accurate. When we conceive a sudden passion for someone it can be a lot like obsession; we really do lose our feet, and our bearings. Life seems to have new meaning, true, but it is meaning that doesn't come from within ourselves but is rather contingent upon the other person.

All of this is not intended to suggest that love between two people is never real or that fulfilled relationships are not possible. But if we find ourselves suddenly head-over-heels infatuated with someone we don't know so well, we should be wary. Usually what's at work here is what psychologists and counselors call projection. Projecting upon another person basically means taking what little we know or perceive about them and then filling in the blanks with a lot of assumptions that come straight out of our own fantasies. Projections are largely responsible for that ecstatic high we feel at the onset of a relationship. They're also to blame for the disillusionment that sets in down the road, as we begin to see through our fantasies and the partners we're with begin to look quite different.

Our very body chemistry mirrors this cycle, too. Much of the ecstasy that we associate with the feeling of "being in love" can be attributed to the brain chemical phenylethylamine, which is intrinsically linked to our hormonal levels. This chemical inevitably recedes in time - usually in about six months to two years - leaving us wondering where all the magic has gone. It's no coincidence that most relationship partners at this stage of the game do one of two things: (1) Feeling disillusioned, they break off the relationship, or (2) They try to change each other, to bring the other partner in line with that "ideal image" that they "fell in love with" in the first place.

Infatuation prevents us from seeing the reality of the other person; blinded by it, we have no real chance to love them for who they are. In order to see through our own projections, we have to know ourselves. Otherwise we will - at least subconsciously - expect our partners to make us feel complete, and they'll inevitably disappoint us. Another way to avoid this trap, and all the pain it brings when yet another promising relationship sours, is to work up to intimacy slowly. Getting to know a partner over time reduces the risk of being swept away by our own projections. Then we'll have a much better chance to appreciate them for who they are, and to love without conditions.