Getting Married Young? What's Your Hurry?

I've been a member on a relationship support forum for quite some time. I've learned a tremendous amount about relationships on there and there's just something that I want to say.

For those of you between the ages of 17 and 21 especially who are batting the idea around or getting married soon. Don't get bent when the late 20s and over 30 crowd advises you to wait. We KNOW what we're talking about. I see SO MANY situations with married couples that got married very young and are in the midst of some serious problems. And most of them are due to the lack of maturity and life experience of the couple (who is usually under 25 y/o). Had they WAITED for a few years, they likely would not be in such difficult situations.

A marriage is about 20% bliss and about 80% of busting your hump to keep it together with ANY age couple. Getting married as a teenager or close to it just INCREASES the odds a considerable amount that it will not work. (And the odds are not very encouraging to begin with, regardless of age).

Go find a 30 year old. Male or female and ask them how much their life has changed in the last 10 years. They'll talk your ear off. You see, in the ages between 10 and 20, we learn how to ENTER adulthood. In the ages between 20 and about 27, we learn how to BE an adult. In the 10 years between 20 and 30, your head will spin with the amount of changes that will happen in your life.

When i was 20, I was in the US Navy. I was single, wasn't in debt, had no kids, never had my heart broken and always had money in my pocket. By the age of 30, I had been married, became a father, divorced, paying child support, being a weekend Dad, was about 20k in debt, living from paycheck to paycheck and playing the single game again.

I totally agree that a marriage should be give and take. that's the way it SHOULD be. But the cold hard reality of it all is that even when a marriage is based on give and take, it's still a lot of hard work to keep it together. Getting married at such a young age just makes it harder. And with the discouraging stats on marriage, getting married very young like that is just setting yourself up for a more difficult run (in most cases)

Many couples of my generation (Age of 37) married young and I'm not saying we were anymore wise when we were 20 as the average 20 y/o today. But with age comes experience. I've taken long hard looks around in the marriage and divorce forums. I regularly see couples posting questions for advice about certain problems and it becomes increasingly obvious that they were married too young. You may see a woman complaining that her husband (who is 20-21) spends all his time going out drinking with his buddies, spends all his money on weed, plays PS2 games all night, never wants to get up to take care of the baby. He's acting like a normal guy his age. (I'm not saying ALL 21 y/o guys are like this but there are a LOT of them). The guy has the responsibilities of wife and family but has not matured enough to properly handle those responsibilities. OR. A woman who got married to her first love/first everything at 18 suddenly finds herself at 21 wondering what else is out there, how are other men in bed, and/or feeling like she "gave up her life" at the time when she should have been "realizing her potential". She ends up resenting her husband and/or cheating on him and hubby posts in the forum. These types of posts are ALL OVER in the marriage and divorce advice forums especially. It's not ONLY with the couples that are 20-21 y/o. some are older but got married very young. There are couples my age (37) who post similar problems too but the majority are from younger couples who in many cases it's very clear that they married WAY too young.

Below is an example. A fictional advice post from a young wife:

"My husband and I have been married for 2 years, I'm 20 and he's 21. We have 2 beautiful girls one who is 1 1/2 years old and a baby who's 9 weeks old. My hubby and I both work, I pick up our kids from daycare and we're both home about 5:30pm. I'm making dinner and he's sitting on his butt playing PS2 games. Meanwhile, he won't help with the kids so I have to cook AND take care of them. After dinner, he goes on the computer and plays Battlefield Vietnam while I get the kids ready for bed and he's usually still on the computer when I go to bed. He won't get up with the baby AT ALL. Says he has to be awake for work. We're having trouble paying bills. I only make $7/hr and he makes $14. We SHOULDN'T be having trouble but he spends all his money on weed and video games. On weekends, he's hanging out with his friends until dawn bar hopping and spending $75 a night while I'm home with two cranky kids. I'm at my whets end here. Advice please"...

I've seen so many posts like the fictional example above. What you have above is a guy who is not really acting very unusual for someone his age. I'm not saying that ALL 21 year old guys are like that but there is a LOT who are.

Now it is very obvious that the above guy was not even CLOSE to being mature enough to take care of a wife and family.

It's not just the guys who are screwing up. I've seen guys post as well that their 22 y/o wife of 4 years just split. Says she still loves him but realizes that they got married too young and she wishes to see other people and experience life.

Many young couples take examples from their grand parents who got married in 1935 when they were 16 and 18 and are still together and happy today in their old age.

Those examples sadly are not relevant. Times are so much different now than they were in the 1930s and 1940s and PEOPLE are as well. Years ago, the average American had a strong base of faith in God and their church and their values were so much different. In the 1940s, the average 18 y/o man KNEW what it was like to bust his butt and work hard all day. These days, most young guys wouldn't know a hard day's work if it jumped up and bit them. Responsibility and good, strong character were drilled into people like our grandparents from the time they were born. Both of my parents worked. I didn't have a lot of supervision as a child really. I'm 37, There's a lot of people my age who had parents that both worked and who spent time in daycare. And most people in their early 20s had parents who both worked and they too spent time in day care or in the care of others growing up. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It's become the "norm" in the USA and furthermore, it's has been NECESSARY for both parents to work in most cases for the last 3 decades. And you see, all of those people who were involved in the care of us were influences on our lives and in ways both big and small and have influenced the kind of adult we are today.

One of my biggest flaws is that I procrastinate. I've always been like that. I learned that from somewhere. I wasn't born like that. My father isn't like that, but my mother was. My x wife's daughter as a toddler spent a LOT of time with her grandmother. She's 17 now. One thing about her, to this day, she's very afraid of thunder and lightening storms. Her mother and father aren't like that at all but as a toddler, her grandmother would shut off all the lights, unplug every appliance, and close all the window shades and sit or lay with the kids in the bed.

What I'm trying to say is that how we are raised determine the kind of adults we will become and/or how long it will take us to get our acts together. And when a child has the parenting influences of mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, the daycare crew, their stepfather, their stepmother, they are not as defined as adults as their grandparents and great grandparents were at their age. Most couples in the age group of our grandparents, KNOW what it's like to work hard, they had a stable life growing up with mom at home all day, and dad coming home from work every night. And weather they are practicing Christians or not, I bet they know the bible.

If this were 1935 and a couple wanted to marry at 19, they would have a FAR better chance then today. But it's not. And these days' divorces have become as normal as marriages. LITERLY. And yeah, I know mention of the "stats" get a lot of young couples bent. I've mentioned them too from time to time, but what I go on is what I see, hear, and read.

I'm not saying that getting married at a young age cannot work. There ARE success stories but it is twice as hard to keep it together. And it just simply because at the age of 19 and 20, one simply just does not really know enough about life to be a decent husband or wife.