Getting Older

I'm almost 40 now and my body has started a full scale revolt against the things I need it to do for me on a daily basis. Such as, not bitching at me when I want to walk or pick up my children. The aches and pains are not a direct result of my age, they have more to do with the abuse I inflicted on myself when I was younger and heredity. Some people inherit their good looks, a special talent, or personality quirk from their parents. I did inherit my good looks from my mother and my talent for fixing things from my step-dad. From my father, I got crappy knees and a predisposition to arthritis. On top of that, I ran cross-country and track in high school, raced bicycles (a la Lance Armstrong without the ego or penchant for dumping the women who stand by me through a life-threatening disease), and later on decided it would be more fun to throw myself down the sides of mountains while on a bicycle. In a nutshell, I had a lot of fun with my body, but ultimately beat the crap out of it. The aches and pains, I can deal with. I am more concerned with the other forms of betrayal my body has decided to dish out. Men my age or near my age will recognize some if not all of the following signs that you are no longer the lord and master of your own body.

1. Where did my hair go? Luckily, I am not vain enough to do anything about this except cut my hair really short and remind myself that one day I will be sexier than Patrick Stewart. This, however, does nothing to help me forget the thick, full, wonderful hair that used to sit rather nicely on my head. Now, in order to avoid looking like a Benedictine monk, I have to shave my head as if I just got off the bus to boot camp. I will not wear a rug, spray paint my head, or install the Astroturf otherwise known as hair plugs. But I still miss my hair. Trust me, it was incredible.
2. I found my hair. It's now growing out of my nose, ears, and on my back. Great. I try to keep myself fairly well groomed. I shave regularly, trim my eyebrows so that I don't look like Andy Rooney, and try to keep my sideburns trimmed. Thanks to my ears and nose, I now have to add ten minutes to my grooming ritual. Thanks to my back, I know more about bees wax and muslin cloth strips than I ever wanted to. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my wife for being gentle when she waxes me, even though she giggles with almost wicked glee while doing it. I would also like to tell every man in America not to believe the ads on TV. That so-called painless product out of Australia (I won't name names, but it sounds like slang for a portion of male anatomy) is not, I repeat NOT, painless. It hurts like hell and forget about wearing a shirt for a week.
3. How's the memory? There's nothing I love more than forgetting the simplest things that wouldn't have been a problem in my 20's. My keys, where I parked, my co-worker's name, the word "the". It's great. I'm putting it down to the fact that I know such much more now that my brain decided, without involving me in the process, to dump certain bits of information it deemed irrelevant. Because knowing the names of obscure actors from bad horror movies has really helped my career.
4. Oh my God, it's 9pm!I had better get to bed! I remember the days when I could stay up all night because there was a bad 80's horror movie on cable and function at work the next day on three hours of sleep. Now, I can get eight hours and still need a nap.
5. Fight the urge to listen to talk radio. Now that I have a family and am concerned with ensuring my children's future, I am a news junkie. I have to know what is going on in the world. The news is always on at my house and various news sites are always up while I am at work. Thus far, I have been able to successfully fight the urge to listen to talk radio. Except when I need to know what the traffic is like.
6. My joints can predict the weather. It's true. If just my knees or my hips hurt, there's a low pressure system moving in that has a 10% percent chance of producing rain for anywhere except where I live. I live in Arizona, so we never get rain unless there's a hurricane that pounds into Mexico first. Then we get about an inch of rain which quickly evaporates. Anyway, if my knees and my hips hurt, there's a low pressure system moving in that has a 0% percent change of producing anything except an increase in profits for the nice folks that make Tylenol.

If you're laughing at this and you're under the age of 35, you can go to hell. You'll be right where I am some day, just you wait. If you're over the age of 35 and laughing at this, don't forget to take your gingko biloba and your Omega-3 before going to bed. Which should be soon, maybe after the news.