Getting Over Your Ex

When my ex-husband's birthday rolled around, I found myself thinking about him. I wondered what his life like. Was he happy? With two children and a wife, the same, steady job he had when we were married, I assumed he was. As I reflected on a life that once was, I couldn't but wonder why I still thought of him years after our divorce. Was I jealous? Could it be possible I wasn't over him?

Toggling between 'in love' and 'love' feelings, I quickly realized we weren't in love with each other for some time before our split. So, why the thinking and wondering about him? Why did I imagine what his wife was like and how she must have had it all over me for him to leave?

Then it hit me, and it hard. I had to stop comparing myself to the his wife. It was self-defeating and served no other purpose than that of hurting myself. It wasn't a question of the second wife versus the first wife. Not at all. My ex and I grew apart. He found someone new. No, it wasn't a pretty thing. I was hurt, felt rejected and let's face it, my world as I knew it crumbled at my feet.

It was over.

So, what have I learned? Am I over my ex?

Yes I am over my ex. It was me I had to get over and all the pain before, during and after my divorce.

Divorce, or any break up, hurts. I didn't get married with the intention of our marriage ending. Who does? We built a life together; had dreams; laughed; shared memories; and then it ended with a resounding blow to my heart. I'm human and that's a lot to take in and digest. I needed time to grieve the ending of my marriage just as I'd need time to grieve any other loss.

Life went on and I've been with the same 'new' man for fourteen-years. There have been good times and not-so-good ones, as in any relationship. I love him - he loves me.

On occasion I still think about my ex-husband. It's rare, i.e., his birthday.

When thoughts like why wasn't I good enough or what did she have that I didn't find their way into my brain, I try to dismiss them- like putting out a fire. After all, it's been sixteen-years since we split. The divorce happened three years later. But, let's take it from the split-up date.

There was a lot I had to let go, of and healing was so critical. I believe I carried some pretty heavy baggage for years, and denied it to myself. When I'd utter things like I just want him to be happy, I was lying to myself. I did want him to be happy, but, and here's the rub, why wasn't he happy with ME?

On my twenty-seventh birthday he left. A day or two before he told me he needed to explore the feelings he had for someone he'd met at work. He even went so far as to say the 'person' he'd been going for walks with during his lunch hour was...her.

As much as I'm aware my divorce and the path life took after it were somehow part of my plan, the "What is it that she's got that I don't?" feeling stuck to me like gum on my shoe. I knew I should toss the notion and get on with it already. It took a long time to do that.

I needed to take my ex out of the picture and take a long, hard look at myself. It's wasn't about him at all, or whether I was 'over him'. He'd always be a part of my life, whether I liked it or not. You can't change the past. I've got the wedding album to prove it.

But, proving it wasn't what I wanted or needed. That's not what it was about. The pain caused by my divorce, more specifically, the beating my ego took when I came to the realization that it was me he didn't want to be married to, hurt more than the divorce.

Did I think I was the best thing since sliced bread? No. Did it mean I believed I was so easy to live with that nobody in their right mind would consider leaving me? Again, NO.

I had to chuck my ego. It was getting me into trouble. I was beating up on myself for something that clearly was not my fault. It wasn't his either. Making myself feel somehow inadequate was self-destructive and it carried over into the relationship I have now.

My ego had to be sent packing. I had to learn to believe in myself, my inner beauty, my smarts, my charm, all of it in order to know, without a doubt, that I wasn't 'defective' in any way. Nor was I better than anyone else. We're all on level playing ground here and sometimes two people simply don't make it. I don't like it. I don't think any of us do, but it's the truth. People grow apart and if they can't work it out and the relationship becomes one packed with pain and distance, perhaps it's time to cut the cord. I didn't want to cut the cord. I was more committed to commitment than to real love and happiness. I'd stand by my marriage no matter what- even at the cost of losing myself.

In the end, no matter whether your divorce was peaceful or full of battles, the hurt inflicted leaves a scar. The "I wasn't good enough" syndrome is easy to catch, because let's face it, when you're dumped, you feel terrible.

I was dumped.

My expectations of myself needed to be adjusted. I couldn't forget I was once married and dumped. That'd be too much to ask of myself or anyone else. I would've had to undergo hypnosis. I needed to toss the notion that I wasn't 'good enough'. I was good enough. I am good enough. I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough and so are you. If you've lived this, and supposedly 50% of the American population has, please try to believe you are good enough. You are wonderful. You just weren't making it with the person you were married to. That's what my struggles were about post-divorce. "How could he leave ME?"

You know what? He left because we weren't 'making it' and he fell for someone else. I would have been a fool to have stayed in such an unhealthy relationship, yet back then I was indeed that fool. I would have stayed. I would have done anything to save our marriage. Counseling was what I thought we needed- and I do advocate counseling to any couple who is struggling. But, after our first session I knew. How? He came right out and said that he wasn't in love with me and only came to the meeting for my sake- so I could hear the words.

Ouch.

Perhaps the two kids who met when I was thirteen and he was seventeen grew into different people. We were too different to reconcile.

I can't hate someone I once loved so much. I never wished him harm and never would. I still love him but in a very 'humanistic' way.

It wasn't ME. It wasn't HIM. It was a collapse of US, and for as much as our divorce hurt both my heart and ego, it was not because there was something WRONG WITH ME.

It was just life. The part of life that stinks. The part that hurts and makes you grow into the person you are- whether you want to or not.

It's how you get up after the fall that counts. While it may have taken me a while to 'get up', I did, and so many things transpired in my life- all because we were once married. Although I'm a slow learner when it comes to matters of the heart, I see clearly how my marriage and divorce planted my feet upon the path I'm traversing now. Had we not been married, I wouldn't have suffered a terrible miscarriage. Years later, the immense pain that swallowed me up turned into something positive to help other women who miscarried. Something was born out of our failed marriage, and I believe it can happen to all of us.

So, I'm over my ex. More importantly, I'm over the belief I held that I wasn't a good enough person. I've stopped picking out every single flaw I have. We all have flaws and we all have strength and beauty. My ex and I needed to venture off upon separate journeys. I could have handled things better and so could he. It's a lesson we both learned, and that counts for so much.

Indeed, he left me. But, he left one heck of a girl who has a lot to offer and IS a good person...with a few scars.