Getting Over a Parent's Divorce

I didn't know if the fighting would ever stop; all I knew was things were different between my parents. Things that weren't supposed to ever change. As a small child, I had it stuck in my head that mommys and daddys were supposed to be together forever, no matter what. Around my eighth birthday, I was forced to do away with this "Santa Claus-like" fantasy and mature into the real, cold world. The ideal that parents have to stay married for a lifetime is nothing more then a fantasy lost in Utopia. Marriages that end prematurely are becoming more and more prominent in today's world; unfortunately, I was one of the many children to experience a parental separation at a young age. Although the process of the divorce itself was prolonged and drawn out, getting over a parents divorce is even more extended and challenging. Especially as a young child, you go through several stages, each with their own distinct emotion and effects.

The first forceful emotion, or step, I experienced after catching wind of the divorce to come was uncontrollable anger. In my eyes, the solution to all the problems was actually quite simple. All they had to do was routinely work everything out, right? I mean, if every couple broke up after a single fight then no relationship would last more then a few weeks. All the anger and resentment I experienced was a direct result of blindness on my part to see why their problems were too deeply rooted to simply "work out". Naturally, ones initial reflex to conflict is to look for someone to blame. Therefore, much like myself, many children of divorced parents have similar feelings of resentment following a divorce. These feelings, in my case, proved to be detrimental to critical aspects of life such as friends, grades, and sports. My exasperation towards my families situation was such a distraction that my grades severely plummeted, my attitude towards my friends became demeaning and abrasive, and the amount of effort I put into sports was little to none. In other words, my whole life went down the drain in just days. These vile effects may not occur in all cases, but the mere possibility of it is unnerving.

The second prominent emotion, or step, that I experienced was intense desolation. As previously mentioned, one's initial reflex to conflict is to look for someone to blame. Dictated by the congenital selfish characteristic of human beings, the first person one points the finger at would not be themselves. In fact, the thought doesn't even cross the mind in most cases. After some time of reconsideration, the majority of people (including myself), decide that they themselves are actually a prime suspect. As for myself, every little thing I had done wrong in my lifetime began to flash through my head. The possibilities seemed endless. Any of these little incidents could have triggered a chain of events that led to the dead end of what used to be marriage. The depression mounted as I kept linking events that made the idea of me being the culprit more and more logical.

After several prolonged conversations with my parents reassuring me that I had nothing to do with the cause, the third step began to settle in. Since my anger towards my parents themselves had already passed and blaming myself was unsuccessful, my hopes began to inflate that maybe, just maybe, my parents could reconcile. This is, without a doubt, the most crucial step in the "getting over divorce" process. Let's be honest, a huge percentage of marriages will never start back up again after ending once. So nine times out of ten, one can count on their hopes being absolutely crushed when they find out that the chances of parental reconciliation are zilch. That is when the turning point rears its ugly head. One will choose to take one of two paths. First, they could choose to let their disappointment bring them so far down that they lose all progress and have to restart the process all over beginning with the first emotion. Or second, they could choose not to take the fact that their parents are no longer in love so harshly and simply move on. Choosing the second path leads into the fourth and final emotion of the process. Luckily for everyone, I chose the second path.

The fourth step is the most relieving; it is simply acceptance. After all the ups and downs, lefts and rights, and highs and lows I and many others experienced while trying to move on past a parental separation, the moment of revelation finally arrives. Once you get past the other three main emotions, acceptance is really the only thing left to do. The sooner one realizes that not only their lives but their parents lives are better off without forcing a marriage, the sooner everyone will return to their normal states. Take the situation for what it is and move on. I myself had a particularly easy time with this step of the process. But that was because of all the other steps were much rougher than normal.

Upon completion of these four steps, ones heart should be nearly mended. Almost nine years later and even for me, it's a little painful at times. Although the scars left behind from this tragedy can never be fully erased, they can be made significantly less visible. Simply accepting the fact that your parents are better off without the continuation of marriage will take care of most of this burden for you.