Getting Rid of the Guilt and Rewriting the Script of Your Birth Story

When I was pregnant with my first born, I read all of the pregnancy guides, religiously attended birthing classes and doctor's appointments, gave up caffeine, visited the maternity ward of the hospital, and in general did all the "right" things. Like most moms, I thought that I would have a vaginal birth that would be relatively free of complications and head home with my newborn prepared to begin my journey through parenthood. For better or worse, my dream of a vaginal birth did not happen. My baby was breech, and it was decided (by my doctor and I) that a c-section would be the preferable course of action.

My c-section was relatively uneventful, but as many c-sections do mine lead to a second cesarean delivery less than two years later. Now I have two beautiful, healthy babies...and a body that I hardly recognize. I have an eight inch scare across my belly, I am numb from just above my pubic bone to an area just south of my ribcage, and I have a shelf where my abdomen used to be. On good days, I can do sit ups. But the births of my children remain two of the very best days of my life, and I am exceedingly grateful for them.

Like most c-section moms, I can deal with the physical discomfort following the c-section. Well, we c-section moms have to deal with the discomfort (i.e. pain) of the c-section because like it or not, we are unceremoniously kicked out of our hospital rooms after three or four days and left to care for our little ones. What I have found more difficult over time is the judgment from other women.

The judgment comes on several levels. There are some natural birthing advocates who seem to think that all c-section moms were duped into their surgical births by evil obstetricians. While (perhaps) well-intended these conversations tend to go something like this:

Her: What about your birth... was it at a birth center?

Me: No, I had a c-section because the baby was breech.

Her: There are ways to turn a breech baby, you know. And breech deliveries are perfectly safe if done by a trained midwife. It's too bad you didn't know any better at the time. You could have avoided the c-section.

Thus, the fault for the c-section is placed on both the obstetrician and the mother equally for their ignorance about such things as breech deliveries.

Other judgments are placed either squarely upon the mother or upon the obstetrician, depending upon the scripts used. In the former dialogue, the mother is blamed for just not trying hard enough, having a bad attitude about the birthing process, trying to take the easy way out by avoiding a vaginal birth, or for having a defective uterus or cervix. In the latter, the obstetrician (or on rare occasion the midwife) is blamed for "rushing" the birthing process, forcing the mother into a c-section to leave early for a golf game (or vacation, or holiday, or weekend), or using needless interventions. I have even heard women say that every body that can grow a child is able to deliver a child naturally.

As c-section moms, I think it is important that we develop our own scripts. We have ignored and silently acquiesced to these critical dialogues for far too long. We have accepted the blame and suffered emotional turmoil because we have internalized these dialogues. We have gone on for far too long quietly, welcoming new c-section moms into our ranks every day and teaching them the failed scripts ourselves by forming support groups for women who have had "needless" c-sections.

It is time that we collectively voice our stories. We must continue to advocate for the best information and the best care in every circumstance. But in doing so, we should not marginalize the choices made by women. Not every woman who has had a c-section was forced into it or tricked by the medical establishment into needless interventions. Sometimes c-sections are necessary. And when they are, they are life-saving surgeries that allow mothers and their babies to have happy outcomes. These are the stories that deserve to be told without shame, without guilt, and without a sense of failure.

So let us rewrite the scripts of our cesarean birth stories. Let us begin thoughtful dialogues to bring joy and delight to our belly births that inspire us.