Getting Tough on the Underwear Bomber

On Christmas day, 2009, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab boarded Northwest Airlines flight 253 from Amsterdam, Netherlands, to Detroit. While en route, he attempted to detonate an incendiary device hidden in his underpants (forever ruining the popular pickup line, "I have an incendiary device in my underpants"). The attempt failed. He instead lit his pants afire and was subdued by the crew and passengers. True to form, politicians pounced on the opportunity to take to the airwaves to make political points. The upshot of the political criticism against the current government is that they have been too weak against Al Queda and the terrorists. I, for one, agree. Here are some suggestions for getting tougher on terrorism.

1 WAR, WAR, AND MORE WAR: While it is true that the Obama Administration has escalated the war against al-Queda by tripling the number of troops in the region, that is certainly not enough. We should probably bomb Iraq too. Because, uh, terra. But that's not all. The Bush Doctrine, says we should also attack countries that harbor terrorists. This fellow is from Nigeria. So we should probably bomb Nigeria. He was educated in England, Yemen, and Dubai. We should probably bomb all of those places as well.

2 UNIONS!: Senator Jim Demint has been criticized for perceived hypocrisy for criticizing the Obama Administration for not having a permanent TSA chief, all the while being responsible for putting a hold on Obama's nominee for that very post. Demint later explained that his hold on the nominee was necessary to ensure that the TSA would not be unionized. Democrats take this to mean that Demint and the Republicans fear unions more than they fear terrorism.

I would agree with him. Unions are a threat to our National Security. Do you know what a "union suit" is? It's UNDERWEAR! Unionized underwear workers have created a virtually undetectable weapons delivery system. Sure, they have to iron out a few kinks in the system, but is there any doubt now that the underwear union are plotting against us? The government should bust unions not only at the TSA, but at the underwear factories as well.

3. RACIAL PROFILING: Of course, the great national debate continues as to whether we should screen out would-be terrorists by racial profiling. This is a perfect example of why we should profile people based on their racial characteristics. After all, it wouldn't cause any additional burden on the airports in the United States to screen out people who look like they might be Nigerian. It shouldn't cause any extra delay in flights if we subject people with these racial characteristics to additional searches or interrogations, right? I can't imagine any political problem that would cause.

But why stop there? At check-in, the airline reps already ask a number of security questions, i.e. "Has anyone had access to your luggage", etc. Since they're asking questions anyway, how about adding "Boxers or Briefs" to the check-off list?

4. BAN UNDERWEAR ON FLIGHTS: Remember when the shoe-bomber got caught? From that time on, we were all required to take off our shoes at the security check in. Now we have an Underpants Bomber. Are we willing to go the distance with this? Now, I'm not suggesting that we should have to take off our underpants for inspection. What I'm suggesting is that all underwear should be banned from flights in the US. I've often wondered why we need them anyway. Pants that one wears under his/her pants? Seems awefully redundant to me.

5. TORTURE, TORTURE, TORTURE: It has not yet been reported how much information the Underpants Bomber has voluntarily given to his interrogators. But that doesn't matter. Common wisdom tells us that he would give even MORE information if he was tortured. Sure, he may have disclosed his name, his connections to Al Queda, the identity of people he reports to, the places where he was trained, and all of that boring information. But what if we could find out the location of the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq? What if he could provide a connection between Al Queda and France, so that we could start a new war? If we torture him enough, he could say just about anything we want him to say.

Pat Bucchannan made a very good point. We should deprive him of pain medication. That will make him talk! Because common wisdom tells us that large doses of narcotics gives a patient extraordinary self-discipline and control. Without the narcotics, the patient might talk more. Of course, most of it would probably be, "OW, OW, OW, OW!"

6. TAX CUTS FOR THE WEALTHY: If this incident teaches us anything, it is that wealthy people in the United States pay too much taxes.

These commonsense security measures are necessary to prevent another underwear attack on Americal soil.