G-Force: A Force to Reckon

I went to see G-Force this week, borne mostly from my partner's wheedling that it's about "GUINEA PIGS!!!" (Yes, the exclamation points are necessary.) I'm not a huge fan of CGI or the 'cute, talking animals' genre, but went along nonetheless.

I expected to find it juvenile; I also waited for the inevitable big explosions typical of a Jerry Bruckheimer vehicle. In this, I was not disappointed; the couple of kids in the theatre seemed to find the thinly-veiled plot and the animated g-pigs much more entertaining than I did.

And herein lies the problem.

The first thing the S.O. and I noticed were the film's inaccuracies. The movie's heroes, rather than making definitive squeaking sounds and scurrying a lot (as they are actually wont to do) burrow expertly in enclosed areas; bungee cord here and there; and maneuver complex machinery. In actuality, guinea pigs are the least likely member of the rodent family to fight crime, with government funding, no less. Their sensitive feet make them ill fit for the hamster balls they cruise around in in the movie; they also shouldn't be co-habitated with mice or hamsters; housed with wood shavings (it can cause splintering in their particularly delicate bodies); or placed in a situation where they're expected to climb (they're not very flexible). Food-wise, guinea pigs can't produce vitamin C - they shouldn't be eating the same pellets given to other rodents. I also didn't see one glimpse of Timothy Hay, a staple of real-life pigs' diets.

Inaccuracy aside, G-Force features three CGI piggies, touted in a fast-paced intro as being "genetically enhanced" for stuff like breaking into some home appliance empire figurehead's factory-sized mansion to make sure everything's on the up-and-up. (Naturally, it's not, and they're not all that special, as it turns out - it would have been a good catch-all excuse, but alas.) That each pig has a noticeable personality (or at least, a definitive race or cultural stereotype), with burgeoning romance betwixt them is fairly irrelevant - except, perhaps, to point out that, even though it's 'cute' for the female guinea pig to have long nails to make her look more girlish, 'real' guinea pigs need their nails trimmed at least every couple of months for their own comfort. All of these facts are accessible via a trip to Pet-Co or a quick Google search - one wonders what kept Bruckheimer from either of these avenues.

G-Force's human line-up includes the underused talents of Zack Galifianakis, Will Arnett, and Bill Nighy, none of whom seem to have wanted to be there. Galifianakis ("Ben") is all pudgy, wild man charm with no follow-through, likely a fixture of the dull script than anything he did (or didn't do). The couple of potheads in the theatre with us seem to have wandered in off the heels of Galifianakis' performance in "The Hangover", expecting much of the same. At least they laughed once or twice; my S.O. and I waited sorely for Ben to wake up in the mental ward, attached to an IV drip and yammering happily to his pet piggie, to no avail. Similarly, Will Arnett, a stodgy government big-wig who hates Ben's sloppy good-naturedness on principle, has played more hearty a-holes before. I think the back-and-forth between the pigs was supposed to be the saving grace, but I was mainly bored.

Niecy Nash (of "Reno 911" and "Kid Notorious" notoriety) plays a squeamish cashier at Elia's, a tropical-themed pet shop. While Nash's kitschy display of poor Spanish-speaking skills is just her attempt to not completely phone in her performance (for which I am grateful), Elia's is cumbersome for a couple of reasons. An initial pan-over of the brightly colored, hole-in-the-wall establishment showcases a number of concerns: The aforementioned rodent encasement, in which guinea pigs, mice, and a hamster-ferret hybrid live together in not-much-harmony. As all these animals are CGI, the damage is minimal; the close-up of an obese, caged dachshund and the morbidly fat cat sitting next to it is another story. I could see if this served as some sort of plot device - the dachshund could be the mob boss of the pet shop, for instance. As it is, the ill-kept animals hint at the general neglect and apathy of Elia's employees - and coupled with Nash's character's sordid Spanish, the cultural parallel to minorities ignorantly mistreating their pets is an uncomfortable one. (In another scene, a "dead" mole - hint, hint - gets tossed into a passing garbage truck, rather than disposed of with, well, any sort of dignity.)

But wait, there's more. At one point, two of the CG-pigs are purchased by a suburban dad, his pre-teen children in tow. (This is the only interaction he will have with them.) Nash and Elia's other employee, a scruffy teen-aged boy with headphones permanently suctioned to his ears take turns incompetently trying to sell the family guinea pigs as "fat hamsters", and not intervening when the son chucks a pig across the store like a football - by the grace of movie magic, he lands in a spare plastic carrier, rather than the strategically placed snake cage next to it. Later, the boy is shown shoving the pig into a remote control truck, which he then drives through a series of obstacles, including crashing it into other toy vehicles. Meanwhile, the girl child dresses Juarez, the girl guinea pig up into dozens of frilly outfits, leaving Penelope Cruz to remark, "I look like Paris Hilton's chihuahua". Also, the boy guinea pig likes driving the truck, because he's Black, and it's got big rims, get it?

I anticipate flack for this article. I am hardly the target audience, after all, and since the five-year-olds who do fill out the movie's main demographic won't care that not everything is accurate, why should I? On the other hand, this is precisely the danger. As Sharon Hoffmann of"The Kansas City Star" proclaims, "When kids saw '101 Dalmatians' and 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua', they sat up and begged for a title character of their very own." I heard a similar story at a local pet store when "Finding Nemo" hit the big screen; clown fish were suddenly the new puppies.

Hoffmann posits that children "under the age of 11" should not be solely responsible for guinea pigs, citing their delicate nature and complicated personalities. I personally agree, though in the interest of not garnering numerous, "my five-year-old LOVES his/her guinea pig" comments, I maintain that children can be taught to respect and care for small animals. The key word here, of course, is "taught". In "G-Force", neither the boy or girl who mistreat their new pets gets any kind of comeuppance. That the boy is still allowed to have a guinea pig after nearly tossing one to a snake as food is appalling, to say nothing of the way they're treated when they get home.

Though ham-handed, most of Pixar's CGI creations offer lessons on environmentalism, or being nice to Mom and Dad. As part of the Disney empire, I expected much of the same from "G-Force" - I might roll my eyes, but at least it would be good-natured. In its actual state, "G-Force" is not just cheesy children's fare - it's downright irresponsible. In the absence of any kind of moralizing, and coupled with the many inaccuracies about what to expect from non-CGI pigs, "G-Force" has a lot to answer for.

Reference: Hoffmann, S. (2009, July 30). "While those 'G-Force' critters are tough, real-life guinea pigs need more TLC, KC expert says." Accessed August 4, 2009, from the Kansas City Star Web site: http://www.kansascity.com/238/story/1353633.html.