Giant Salamander Attacks Telluride Business

New York City, Tokyo, and the Conoco gas station in Telluride, Colorado. What do all of these places have in common? They have all been victims of attacks by hideous terrifying monsters.

Godzilla attacked Tokyo. King Kong made a mess out of New York City. Then just last week at the Conoco a giant poison-spitting salamander caused normally brave souls to run for cover as he crawled menacingly through the store toward the cash register.

The salamander was about two inches long and a half an inch high, so perhaps he would not fit the legal definition of 'giant'. Also salamanders do not spit literal poison. However, they can inflict their victims with a painful case of the heebie-jeebies, and they can transmit the 'creeps' from a distance of up to fifteen feet away.

The common salamander is often feared, but little understood. It is shaped like a lizard, but it is not a lizard. It eats worms and grasshoppers, but it is not a bird. It moves slowly and clumsily on land, but it is not my truck. In the science of living things (or biography) salamanders are known as amphibians.

They are sometimes called water dogs, newtgingriches, or water moccasins. They get their true name, amphibians, from their similarity to amphibious vehicles. Amphibious vehicles go down the road until they come to a lake or ocean, then they merely slip beneath the water. These cars were invented for James Bond movies.

You might be thinking, "Hey, my car goes down the road, and if I came to a lake or something my car would probably go under the water. Maybe I have a James Bond car." Not likely, my friend. The difference is: his car can come back out from under water without the help of a tow-truck. That is why it is called amphibious, from the Greek word 'am' meaning 'goes', and the Greek word 'phibious' meaning 'places it should not go'. Another difference is James Bond drinks Martinis and, let's face it, you prefer beer.

Which brings us back to our little amphibious salamander. He was going someplace he should not go. He had no business making for the cash at the Conoco. A courageous local man acted with lightning speed and made a citizen's arrest. The salamander was sentenced to be released to roam free again with the wild salamander herds.

Those of us who eye-witnessed this rehabilitation could not help wondering if that release was what the little guy wanted all along. He was probably only trying to knock over the gas station to get money to get himself back home.

Anyway, soon he will be making a cocoon and then he will turn into a beautiful butterfly and he will come back and thank all of us who helped him. Until then, we will think about him from time to time whenever we get that heebie-jeebie feeling.