Gift Giving: The Gamut of White Elephant Know How

The perfect white elephant gift will make the recipient scratch their heads and say, 'oh, no, what will I ever do with this?" The item will be over-sized, embarrassing, tacky, and/or irritating. They come in all sizes. They're supposed to cost very little. They are inappropriate for the recipient's lifestyle. They do not involve great literature i.e. "Hills like White Elephants" unless they are planned for the person who wouldn't be caught dead with a book.

Oversized

When I was younger I used to fill in on my mother's card club. The ladies in the club have played pinochle together for nearly fifty years. One Christmas, all of the ladies in the club made Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls for the Children's Hospital. Raggedy Ann dolls were stuffed dolls with yarn hair made from fabric scraps. They were so cute! Then one month when I attended, one of the ladies bought her husband a life--sized artwork doll very much in the same line. When I saw it, I thought "Who would pay that much money for a doll?" and "Wouldn't it scare you every time you saw it sitting on your couch?" Stuffed animals and what not, the more over-sized, odd-colored and unlikely the better make great white elephant gifts.

Where to find them:

Your child's closet-pick the most detested or ugly. In my case it was a worm with pink head, tuft of hair and blue and black striped body. Thrift stores such as St. Vincent de Paul's. Antique stores--although these can get pricey. Fairs-the large ones may cost you bucks to win, but oh, how sweet the revenge come next gift season. Or better yet, make them yourself.

Embarrassing

When we moved into one of our homes a soap dish was left for our keeping on one of the windowsills. This turned out to be a great white elephant. I got to watch a young teen boy open it and blush to the roots of his hair and laugh. It was an art deco era dish, featuring a bathing beauty with healthy assets and holes for the water to run out. Items that push the limit of acceptability are perfect white elephant gifts.

Where to find them:

Yard sales. Thrift stores. Attics. Gift Gag Stores. Adult stores.

Tacky

In Mexico I found the perfect tray for carrying things. That it was winter and I desperately wanted cheering perhaps explains how I ended up with something that matched nothing I owned. Painted bright purple with red flowers and green parrots, somehow that tray never found a place on the shelf and was never put to use. It's the sort of thing you rub your hands in glee and think, I know just the person who deserves this anchor weight. Tacky white elephants are items so perfectly devoid of use that you just have to buy them. A former girlfriend wanted stacking Egyptian pyramids. I couldn't believe it and bought something nice and disappointed her. So think of it as a duty when you're traveling to seek out and find these white elephants.

Where to find them:

Gift shops, church bazaars, while traveling, or do it yourself.

Annoying

My younger sister is always lucky and when she gets lucky, she laughs, which only makes her luckier. She's the person that is hard to irritate. So when I bought one of those singing chipmunks and she didn't like it, well, hey, she just got less lucky. We had fun finding a new chipmunk for her for a couple years. Her kids loved them. Noisy items with bad voices should be high on your list for finding white elephant. If they are ugly, too, all the better.

Where to find them:

Holiday stores, hardware stores, drug stores in the kids section.

Whatever you find for a white elephant gift, know that the object is to rid your house of useless clutter and make it sit on someone else's shelf. And have fun because the next round will be guaranteed to net you a horror wrapped in gilt.