Gift Ideas for Addicts: Practical Presents for Chemically Dependent Loved Ones

Most people know one, are one or have been a drunk or a drug abuser at some time or another in their lives. For those who don't fit into one of those categories, you will still find this article beneficial. Why? You'll benefit in the future because it appears you are in denial or have lived a very sheltered life. Whichever the case, chances are good it won't last forever.

Drug and alcohol abusers can be a tricky bunch to shop for. Nonetheless, you don't want to leave them out of your holiday celebrations. This is a list of suggested do's and don'ts to help guide you this year… or any year, while shopping for your favorite drunk or junkie.

First of all, it's important to clarify what your stoned loved one's drug of choice is. Each illegal substance has its own personality and depending on what it is, causes different reactions in the people who are hooked on it. Another consideration is the mode used to introduce the drug into the body, but I'll have more on that later.

Yes, alcohol is a drug even though it is a legal one. Let's first take a close look at the alcoholic you know and love, but kind of dread having at the dinner table on Christmas Day. It would be a safe bet that drunken Uncle Charlie doesn't want to be there either and got drunk Christmas morning just to bear the judgmental looks he'd get from his sister-in-law and Grandma when he drops nephew Jimmy while playing airplane.

You can avoid all that by giving him a gift certificate redeemable only on Christmas day at his favorite watering hole. You'll want to make sure it's large enough so he won't be calling with the "I love you, bro" mutterings just prior to passing out. As an added value, give the bartender cash for a taxi to get the lush safely home to sleep it off when they throw his butt out of the bar.

If you really want to give a gift that will last all year long, give Uncle Charlie an annual or season pass on the public transportation system in your city. It might just enable him to live long enough to be a problem at Christmas for years to come.

Next on the list is marijuana. While this herbal intoxicant is currently illegal, it is the only item on my list that in all likelihood doesn't ruin lives. I say legalize and tax it.

The users of cannabis that I've known range from a 68-year-old man going through chemotherapy to a 16-year-old punk who gets totally baked just to play video games. The old man liked to have his pot baked up in a brownie, while the teenage pothead liked to invent pipes out of different items lying around the garage and compare the density of smoke ingested into and exhaled out of the lungs with each hit, before slipping into a peaceful state of complete incoherence.

For people that use marijuana for medical purposes, I have three gift ideas that they are sure to appreciate. For someone who prefers to eat their smoke in the way of brownies or spaghetti sauce, simply purchase the brownie mix or spaghetti staples and offer to make them some dinner and dessert a couple of times a month. If they prefer smoking their herb, incense is always a welcome gift. Either of them will appreciate the thought you've put into choosing their gift, especially when they open their gift and find a body detoxifying drink to be saved for that surprise drug test at the office.

If you live in a state that has legalized marijuana for medicinal uses, this is brilliant! What better gift for those who aren't sick, than a blank prescription pad? They're simple to make on any computer and let's face it, when stoned, everyone writes like a doctor.

For the kid in the garage, just leave him be and send an occasional Pepsi and bag of chips out to him. He will also appreciate an assortment of different sizes of screens for his various inventions. The garage, stocked with miscellaneous hardware items, will keep him happy for a long time, man.

Prescription pain pills have become a drug of choice for people who just can't seem to bear the pain of everyday life. It appears that these folks aren't content with a simple pill either. They want all of those time release ingredients in their system right now! The preferred method of ingesting pain pills is intravenously.

Most of you probably know you can't shoot a pill through a needle right into your blood stream. That's why a pill crusher or pulverizer is an ideal gift for pill fiends. This particular type of addict likes to crush the pill, dissolve it in water or melt it with heat, and then inject it into their veins. Other ideal gifts for the pill popper on your shopping list are any left over medications, clean needles and silverware; particularly spoons.

This brings us to tweakers, or those who are addicted to methamphetamines. WARNING: The very last thing you want to get the speed freak in your life is power tools, electronics, jewelry, weapons or anything else they can easily sell at the pawn shop. You might as well just give them the money for their next fix and cut out the middle man.

These addicts like to keep busy during their three to seven day sleepless binges. That's why oil paint by number kits, jigsaw puzzles, and nearly anything that requires assembly would be great gifts. In fact, consider giving them all of the above and they can work on them simultaneously. That will keep them from wandering the aisles at Wal-Mart all night long or drinking coffee and discussing philosophy with the cops at Waffle House.

Meth heads have also earned quite the reputation for being thieves. Many wrote to Santa the last time they were in jail, asking for items such as lock picks and glass cutters. Other popular requests are Dremel tools (to build a house when I get out), assorted nuts, bolts and screws they can organize, as well as various art supplies.

The affluent gift giver might consider giving their favorite meth addict something they'll really appreciate and most certainly will be able to use eventually. Studies show that meth rots the teeth from the inside out. When it happens and they are eating through a straw and have nothing of value left to pawn, they'll really be grateful that you thought enough to purchase pre-paid dental extractions and denture work. At least if their appetites ever return, they'll be able to eat more than soup and oatmeal.

I suppose it doesn't really matter what your loved ones are hooked on, with a little forethought and caution, you can find the perfect gift for all the addicts on your list this holiday season.