Gift Ideas for Losers

He's upwardly mobile - if working as a sneaker salesman at Athlete's Foot is your idea of upward mobility.

The closest he's ever come to having a girlfriend is that time a stripper buried his face in her lust balloons at your buddy's bachelor party.

His clothes went out of style with hula hoops, and he has the social graces of an orangutan.

No doubt about it, he's a loser. Please don't judge him. Remember, most of us have had our loser moments, so you've got more in common with him than you think.

Of course, he's not just a loser, he's your friend, and with the holdays rolling around, you have no idea what get him.

Here are 10 gifts, listed in no particular order, that are guaranteed to thrill the loser in your life:

Gift #1: Netflix Membership
Losers spend a lot of time at home. Let me repeat that: Losers spend a lot of time at home. It's the natural outgrowth of their having virtually no friends. Help your loser while away the hours by giving him the gift of a Netflix membership. This online DVD rental service allows your buddy to lose himself in the movies. As he watches Steve McQueen burn rubber in Bullit or Vince Vaughn yak it up in The Wedding Crashers, your pal will be able to live vicariously through their onscreen experiences and forget all about his own miserable existence.

Gift #2: Puppy
Losers are all horribly lonely. Their loserdom sets them apart from the world, and most of humanity will have little to do with them. Which, of course, makes you a saint for being their friend, for seeing past the "personality quirks" and bad breath (many losers suffer from poor personal hygiene) and bonding with the kind heart that lives underneath. But I digress; we were talking about loneliness. One surefire gift to cure your loser's lonely nights is a puppy. He may not have much luck with people, but a puppy is sure to love him, since puppies love anyone who feeds them and gives them shelter. This is a gift that is sure to warm your loser's heart.

Gift #3: Video Game
Being a loser, your buddy probably already has a Playstation that's the cornerstone of his Friday night entertainment. Why not get him some new software? Do some research and find out what the latest games are, then buy him something exciting. I guarantee he'll do a cartwheel of sheer joy when you present him with this useful gift.

Gift#4: Online Dating Site Membership
I know what you're thinking: It's a lost cause, why even bother? What use is signing him up with a dating service when no one in their right mind would want to go out with him? But that kind of pessimism is unwarranted and unjustified. Remember, there are female losers too. Or gay male ones, if that's where he finds his bliss. Every pot has a lid, no matter how rusty and generally unattractive that pot may be. A membership with a dating site may be just the gift to help your pal find love and turn his loser life around.

Gift #5: Self-Help Book
We all have issues, but losers tend to have more issues than regular folk. Maybe his mother kept him chained to a post and fed him Kibbles and Bits when he was a little boy. Or maybe he has a penis that makes your pinkie look like an anaconda. Whatever the case, it's likely that your loser is seriously messed up. Take a few minutes to do some gentle probing. Ask him about his background. Losers aren't used to people caring enough about them to question them about their life history, so your loser buddy will no doubt open up quicker than Tara Reid at a spring break beer bust. Once you've figured out what his issues are, use this knowledge to buy him an appropriate self-help book. With this gift, you could be changing his life.

Gift #6: Gym Membership
Losers tend to be either painfully underweight or grotesquely flabby. Help your loser turn things around by giving him a membership to a gym. In addition to its health and cosmetic benefits, exercise produces endorphins that can trigger feelings of euphoria. He's a loser. He could use some euphoria.

Gift #7: iPod
Some losers are techno-geeks, but many others are way, way, way behind the curve when it comes to technology. If your loser falls in the latter camp, chances are, he's still getting down with his bad self to music he listens to on a cassette player. Free him from the Dark Ages and welcome him into modern times by getting him an iPod. It'll probably take him a year or so to figure out how to use it; this strain of loser usually isn't that bright. But once he's nailed the technology, he'll be grateful to you for showing him a better way.

Gift #8: A Case Of Beer
Losers like to get drunk. It helps them escape the grim reality of their stagnant, desperate lives. Give your buddy the fuel he needs to take this journey by buying him a case of beer. As he drinks himself into an alcohol-induced stupor, he'll reflect warmly on what a great friend you are for giving him a gift that's helped him achieve a few hours of boozy bliss.

Gift #9: Laser Back Hair Removal
Statistics show the 92.7% of all losers have back hair. It's a source of great embarassment for them, one that keeps them from enjoying themselves at the beach or feeling truly at ease in intimate moments. Help your buddy say goodbye to this eyesore once and for all by treating him to a series of laser hair removal treatments. These can get expensive, so pass on this gift if you don't have deep pockets.

Gift #10: Your Undying Friendship
Perhaps the most powerful gift you can give a loser is your friendship. Be there for him through thick and thin. Losers have typically been scorned and abused by those around them. Your friendship will be a ray of light in his dark world. Make it official; write out a fancy contract promising to be his bud. He'll be moved and he'll probably cry. A gift like this will mean more to him than any material present ever could.