Girl Talk: Dating and Men from Prison

My friend, who I'll call Gina, came to me about two weeks ago and told me that she'd finally started dating again. At first I was excited for her.

She'd just gotten out of a BAD nine year relationship and I felt that she needed to start dating, enjoy life while she's still young. The only thing I cautioned her about, she falls in love way too easily. Gina and her ex had split up several times, but she always went right back to him when the newest guy she fell in love with didn't fall in love with her (in the two days to a week that they were together). When this split up happened, I expected it to be no different then the rest.

But, she proved me wrong, I'm happy to say.

She's opened her eyes and realized that in her effort to make sure her kids had a father figure at home she was making things worse. In the last five months she's stopped doing things that she shouldn't have been doing in the first place (no explanation on that one), she's got a job and is taking care of herself and her kids. She's happier, her kids are happier, and she has more confidence in herself. I couldn't be prouder of her!! Even though I'm only about three years older then her, I sometimes feel like I'm more her mother then friend. You'll understand why later.

So, like I was saying...

When she told me she was dating again I was ecstatic. She was telling me about how wonderful he was (of course, worrying about her like I do I would add in the "make sure you take things slow this time" whenever appropriate), how sweet, how caring, how attentive, passionate, and the list goes on of his great qualities. I started to wonder if this guy was perfect or if she was trying very hard to make me believe it.

She and I are pretty much as opposite as night and day. She immediately believes the complete best in people from the moment she meets them, I tend to be more guarded and cautious... you have to earn my respect, my trust. So as she's listing everything that's marvelous about New Guy, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.

And when it did, it was so far off anything even I expected.

"Oh, and he just got out of prison a couple of weeks ago." Gina added quietly.

My jaw hit the floor. "Prison?? For what?"

And no, the conversation didn't get any better.

Apparently, without going into the details or anything here, he spent seven years in prison for the death of his infant child. I only know second hand information, but what I heard turned me instantly against this guy. She has two small children at home. A nine year old and a six year old. He may have painted the picture to make him this innocent guy, but would he say it any other way?? Honestly? What about her kids? Are they safe? Of course, that could just be my skeptical side coming out.

Of course, Gina doesn't know that I have these doubts, these concerns. And, honestly, I'm still holding my breath and praying that everything is exactly what Gina believes it was, and everything works out. Because regardless of the brave front she's giving me, I know the girl has already fall.

I cautioned her to give it time, and that both of them would have to realize that things were different with him just getting out of prison. He's spent the last seven years out of the dating circle (hell, away from woman period), away from socializing, in a society that, hopefully, she'd never see. My warning and cautions were coming fast and furious by this time.

And now, things aren't quite as wonderful as she thought. She's kept me up many of nights over her ex, and I've always tired to give her advice and help guide her in the direction that's right for her (and that's not always easy, let me tell you!). Well, we've spent two nights so far in deep discussions about New Guy. And I don't think all the praying in the world is going make this one go any easier for her.

He lives with relatives (and that's another knot in this mess). He has no car, just got his drivers license back. His priority was to get a cell phone (even though there is a house phone where he lives) and go to movies and such, take my friend out and go shopping.

There's nothing wrong with all that, mind you, but shouldn't his priority be a home and a car?

He's had two different jobs since he's gotten out. I understand that life is not easy when you have that kind of mark on your permanent record. But I have to wonder if he understands that.

He's filled out an application to work with the same company my husband works at (in a different department). He's tired to call and check on the status of his application one time. ONE TIME. The department manager that he needed to speak to was on vacation at the time. This company is a great company; they offer good pay, excellent benefits, holiday pay, sick leave... the whole nine yards. Because the manager he needed to speak with wasn't there at the time he's told my friend, "I'm not going to call someone a bunch of times for no job."

Okay, first off... my husband had to do the same thing to get hired. They didn't ask New Guy, or my husband or anyone else for that matter, to put in an application there. For every one person with the "I don't have to work that hard to get that job", there are five more that will. Second off, he just got out of prison. He (more so then the average Joe) must prove that he will be a good reliable worker, instead of another statistic that will end back up in Prison.

And, on top of that. He's saying that if the job he has now tells him he has to work Saturday he's going to quit...

That's not a good trait in a man that doesn't have the black mark of Prison on his record. Does he really believe that is the best way to build up job credibility??

She won't come right out and tell me that his attitude is changing. She never has come right out and told me anything she thinks I'd be upset about. She kind of hints around, or things just slips. And from the two conversations that we had I'd wager that his caring, sweet, attentive, passionate personality is disappearing and his true colors are shining through.

Plus, I haven't got to me New Guy yet. I believe she's scared to bring him around me because I have a tendency to be blunt, straight-forward, and I ask the questions most people don't want me to ask. But how else am I going to find out the answers they don't want people to know? How else am I going to find out if he is truly worth of what a great person my friend is? And I've been told I have an uncanny knack for being able to read people very accurately when I meet them in person. It makes me wonder what he's trying to hid, or what she is.

And to top off the entire list... his sister in law (who he lives with) is Gina's boss at work. So, will her relationship problems backfire at work? They already are.

The messes my friend gets herself into....

Don't get me wrong. I DO NOT, by no stretch of the imagination, believe that because a person is in prison or was in prison makes them a bad person. People make mistakes. How the behave after such a huge mistake is what makes their personality. I've known several people that have been in prison, and more that still are there. Some that's become a statistic and went right back in and a few that have turned things around for themselves and are making a good life now. I still pray that he will adjust to how his life has changed now. I pray that he realizes life is not the same as it was before he went in. But, mostly I pray he doesn't hurt my friend or her kids... emotionally or physically.