Give Your Kids Self-Control Through Choices: Does "Love and Logic" Work?

Discipline methods for children are a dime a dozen. A new book is published almost weekly on the subject, and it can become quite confusing when trying to weed through it all and pick a method that truly works and one that parents can stick with. The best books I have ever read on this subject are "Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood" by Charles Fay and Jim Fay and "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The following ideas for child discipline are based on their books and methods.

Choices in discipline solve several dilemmas:

1. The problem of the battle of wills.
Most children will fight back, at least inwardly, if the only thing they ever hear is commands and rules. No one wants to be told what to do all of the time, not even a child. When a child is offered a choice, it takes away his 'will to fight' where discipline is concerned.

2. The problem of control.
Children have very little actual control over anything in their lives. They know that the adults have all the control. You may be thinking, 'But that's a good thing. Parents are supposed to be in control.' This is true. Parents are supposed to be in control, but that doesn't mean we must always exercise our control. There are many areas in a child's life in which a parent can relinquish control to the child with excellent results. It's the same principle as a boss delegating authority and control to his employees where appropriate. Just as no one wants to be told what to do all the time, no one wants to feel that they have absolutely no control over their own lives and their decisions.

3. The problem of discipline that doesn't work.
How many times do we as parents discuss, threaten, and punish with little or no results? In my own experience, the problem has often been a lack of follow-through or attempting to use a method of discipline that is difficult to enforce or that does not produce any feeling of deprivation in the child. By using discipline through choice, we relieve ourselves as parents of being the enforcers and we find a method that has meaning for the child.

Discipline through choices is extremely simple. This is not rocket science, and, unlike some methods, does not involve lists of rules, a lot of dos and don'ts, or trying to remember what the consequences are or which child is under discipline at the moment and for what. It also alleviates much of the problem of communication between parents. This does not mean that Mom and Dad won't need to be on the same page or that they won't ever need to talk with each other about discipline. They most certainly will. But endless discussions and disagreements about discipline may just become a thing of the past.

1. Give the child as many choices as possible throughout the day.
The type of choices you will give your child are simply those choices which he can actually handle, according to his age and maturity. For example, when your preschool child gets up in the morning, you might start with 'Would you like to wear your black shirt or your red shirt?' Continue with 'Would you like to eat breakfast first or get dressed first?', 'Would you like to eat cereal or a muffin?', etc. Choices for older children and teens should also reflect their age and maturity. Some of the choices will be 'real' choices that must actually be made by someone ('Would you like to do your homework now or in half an hour?'), while some may be choices which are strictly intended to give your child practice in decision-making and to give him a chance to experience having a certain amount of control ('Would you like to sit on the sofa to read a story or on your bed?'). You may feel that your child is always telling you what he wants anyway, so what's the point? By offering a choice before the child even asks for (or demands) a particular thing, the parents empower the child to control his own life and his choices and to learn decision-making while the parents gain leverage that will be needed when they must insist on obedience.

2. Make sure all choices you offer are acceptable to you and will not harm anyone or cause a problem for anyone.
When offering a choice to your child, each option must be equally acceptable to you as the parent. Never offer a choice that is something you do not want the child to choose. All choices must also be choices that will not cause a problem for anyone else. Do not offer a choice of playing with a sibling's new toy if you have not cleared it with that child. Do not offer a choice of spending the night with Grandma unless Grandma has approved such a visit ahead of time. Naturally, you will never want to offer a choice that could put your child in any physical, mental, or emotional danger.

3. If you have offered a choice and the child will not choose, choose for him.
Whether the choice is large or small, this method of follow-through teaches your child that making good choices must be done even when to do so is difficult. Often when a child is refusing to make a choice, the child may be attempting to take control away from the parent. When this happens, simply say, 'If you cannot choose, I will have to choose for you', then do so within ten seconds. Your child will know that he cannot manipulate you in this way.

4. Exercise your right to choose.
Having given your child numerous opportunities to choose, exercise your parental right to demand cooperation when necessary. There will be times when you will need to ask your child to do something or you need to set down certain expectations. If your child balks at this, simply say, 'Don't I give you lots of choices? Now it's my turn to choose. This time the choice is not yours to make.' If you can stick to your guns, most children will accept such a statement. If they continue to argue, then consequences must be enforced.

5. Have your child choose the consequences.
The child now has another choice to make. Discipline can be enforced by saying something like, 'This arguing has taken all my energy. How are you going to put it back?' Or 'This arguing has taken up a lot of my time. How are you going to repay me for my time?' When your child says he doesn't know, offer a choice. He could repay you or 'put your energy back' by doing an extra chore, giving up an outing or a privilege, helping you with your work, giving up part of an allowance, or giving up a favorite toy for a few days. One thing that children crave is time with Mom or Dad. With preschoolers and elementary-age children, you might say, 'Would you like to give up the story I was going to read to you at bedtime or would you like to give up going with me to the library tomorrow?' Remember that all choices must be acceptable to you, so if you won't have a baby-sitter, be sure you are willing to give up that trip to the library (or grocery store or wherever). Otherwise, offer a different choice. If the child has chosen to give up an event or outing that is in the future, you will have to make sure you don't forget and that you are willing to follow through no matter how much time has passed. Again, if the child will not choose, choose for him.

6. If your child is attempting to make a bad choice or do something that is not acceptable, allow him to work through the consequences of his actions and make a new choice.
Imagine that you look out the window and see your child riding his bike without a helmet after being warned not to do so. A good solution is to call your child to you and pose a series of questions. 'What do you think might happen if you fall off your bike without your helmet?' 'What might happen if you did hurt your head?' 'What would be a good choice for you right now?' 'Can I expect you to act in a responsible way in the future?' 'I'm glad you are planning to make a better choice about this so that I don't have to make a better choice for you.'

7. Don't fall into the trap of giving repeated warnings of impending danger or punishment. The real world is not that way.
Teach your children well about any dangers that might surround certain choices and what they can expect in the way of discipline and punishment. Then stop talking about it. Over-discussing everything takes away the child's ability to listen and believe you, and, out in the real world, he will not be sheltered by repeated warnings. Allowing your child to experience the consequences of his actions the first time teaches him to make wise decisions the first time.

These discipline ideas are based on the book "Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood" by Charles Fay and Jim Fay. Their book offers many more ideas and guidelines than those explained here. For an in-depth study of this method, read "Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood" or "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.