Give Me that Online Religion Round 2

In my last posting I expressed my contempt for those whose sole contribution to religious dialog is to periodically "interpret Bible prophecy" and issue yet another dire warning that is soon revealed to be no more accurate than the Congressional Budget Office's deficit projections. For the benefit of those who need more "evidence" that the Apocalypse will soon be upon us, take a look at a few of the lesser-known "prophecies" assuring us that the End Times are just around the corner.

1. The Mayan "End of Time Prophecy"

OK, I'll admit the last thing that anyone with an IQ higher than the average temperature in Detroit wants to hear about is yet another reminder that the Mayan calendar "runs out of days" on 21 December, 2012 (see Note 1)! I mention this particular example of pseudo-science run amok only to reinforce this date in the reader's memory.

2. Saint Malachy and the "Last Pope Prophecy"

Malachy (1094 - 1148) was the Archbishop of Armagh, Ireland, and is credited with revitalizing the Church's influence during the dark days that followed the Norman conquest of Britain. During his tenure as archbishop, he is alleged to have written a series of 112 short phrases (in Latin, of course) purporting to describe each Roman Catholic Pope from Celestine II (elected 1143) and ending with a future Pope named "Petrus Romanus" ("Peter the Roman" or "Peter of Rome").

According to Malachy, "Peter of Rome" will be the last Pope and will lead the Church through "many tribulations" before the City of the Seven Hills" (and, presumably, Peter himself) is destroyed and the whole show comes to an end on Judgment Day. Depending on who is doing the counting, the incumbent Pontiff, Benedict XVI, is either #110 or #111 on Malachy's list (see Note 2).

3. The "Last Prophecy of Fatima"

Between May and October of the year 1917, and always on the 13^th day of the month, three Portuguese children (10-year old Lúcia Santos and her cousins Jacinta and Francisco Marto) reported that they had seen a vision of a woman "who shone brighter than the sun." Over the next six months the woman, who identified herself as Mary the Mother of Jesus, exhorted the children to recite the Rosary each day and also gave the children three prophecies that were to be kept a secret.

During the 1930s, the first two prophecies, or "Secrets" (related to the Fist World War and the rise of communism in Russia), were revealed to the public. The third, however, was never made public but was recorded in a letter written by Lucia which was hand-delivered to Pope Pius XII in 1944. Although there were supposedly no witnesses to the event, rumor and "tradition" say that Pius was so shaken by the content of Lucia's letter that he ordered it to be sealed and stored with the Vatican Archives to be shown only to his successors as the Bishop of Rome.

The third "secret" of Fatima was finally made public in June of 2000 at the request of Pope John Paul II. According to a theological interpretation written by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (who became Pope Benedict XVI in May, 2005), and released with the transcript of the Third Secret of Fatima, Lucia's letter related that:

• "... we [the three children] saw ... a Bishop dressed in White [the Pope] ... other Bishops, Priests, men and women Religious [those with a religious vocation within the Church] going up a steep mountain, at the top of which there was a big Cross ... before reaching there the Holy Father passed through a big city half in ruins and half trembling with halting step, afflicted with pain and sorrow, he prayed for the souls of the corpses he met on his way; having reached the top of the mountain, on his knees at the foot of the big Cross he was killed by a group of soldiers who fired bullets and arrows at him ..." (see Note 3)

4. The "White Horse Prophecy"

For all those American Evangelical and Pentecostals who are disappointed that the above-mentioned "prophecies" and "secrets" come from sources that are, at best, "foreigners" and, even worse, Catholics, here is a prophecy that is uniquely American in both origin and subject! The only drawbacks are (1) no one gets sent to Hell and (2) this prophecy, known as the "White Horse Prophecy," originated within that nest of heresy and Not-True-Christians known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, aka the Mormons.

The "White Horse Prophecy" claims that the ever-expanding group professional deadbeats collectively known as the "United States Government" will become so power-hungry that it will use the United States Constitution as either toilet paper or environmentally-friendly cat litter. But, just when all hope appears to be lost, a champion will emerge from the hinterland to save the day. Since this prophecy supposedly originated with the founder of the Moron faith, you may rest assured that this Latter Day Messiah will not be an Episcopalian. In order to make this prophecy more palatable to the conservatively-oriented readers, I should make two points as clear as possible.

First, the prophecy is not to be taken literally; meaning that no one riding a white horse, a la revelation 6: 1-3, is going to make an entrance that would make the Lone Ranger look like a kid on roller skates. The Encyclopedia of Mormonism (New York: Macmillan, 1992) states that the "White Horse Prophecy" is " ... an important oral tradition deriving from a statement attributed to [Mormon founder] Joseph Smith, according to which the [United States] Constitution would 'hang by a thread' and be rescued, if at all, only with the help of the [Latter Day] Saints." (see Note 4)

Secondly, before getting your hearts set on exercising your Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms in defense of the Constitution, keep in mind that this is the same Joseph Smith who once "prophesied" that there were humans living on the moon (I kid you not, see Note 5)! With that minor caveat taken, let's see where we are.

Assuming all four "prophecies" are true, we now know that:

• Benedict XVI is, at best, the next-to-last Pope before the Ultimate Celestial Tailgate Party.

• When a Pope named Peter waves to the crowd in Saint Peter's Square, it's time to cancel your Italian vacation .

• Once you cancel the Italian vacation, don't rebook for a week in Washington, DC.

• All of this is will happen on or around 21 December, 2012.

My advice? I suggest that we heed the time-tested advice of the Beastie Boys, who tell that we must "fight for our right to PPPAAAARRRRRTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYY! At least we don't have to worry about waking up with a hangover three days before Christmas Day, 2012.

Notes (aka the "Read It Yourself If You Think that I'm Making All of this B... S... Up" section)

1. Joseph, Lawrence E. Apocalypse 2012. New York: Morgan Road, imprint of Doubleday, 2006.

2. St. Malachy, inArnold de Wion.Lignum Vitae, Ornamentum et Decus Ecclesiae, ca 1595 CE, Vol. 1, 307-311. (If your Latin is a rusty as mine, here is a link to a translation).

3. Ratzinger, Joseph, and the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. "The Message of Fatima." Vatican: 26 June, 2000.

4. Cobabe, George. "The White Horse Prophecy." Redding (CA):FAIR (Foundation for Apologetic Information & Research) Journal, December, 2003.

5. Schmidt, Will. "Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and Extraterrestrial Quakers!" The WatchmanExpositor: Vol 6, No. 9, 1989.