Giving Comfort to the Dying

Death is a subject many people avoid dealing with until it smacks them in the face. Unfortunately, once you reach a certain age you will find the generation before you beginning their journey into the next existence. Many people are at loss as to how to comfort those making the transition. Putting our own fears aside to provide comport can be one of the momentous and courageous events in our lives.

Here are some ways you can help your loved one make the transition.

• Let them take the lead. During this time, many feel a loss of control over their physical being, their emotions, and the events around them. Communication plays an important role at this time. Ask them what the need, want, or even if they want to talk to about what is happening. Don't offer advice or do things that you think they'll want. Ask! Give them the control. I once saw a friend give their dying mother a manicure even after the Mother said she didn't want one. The Mother didn't have the strength to argue, so she sat there obviously unhappy while the daughter gave her a manicure. Only later did she tell us that it hurt to be touched.

• Don't ignore the fact their dying. If they want to talk about dying let them, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. They trust you enough to talk to you about their feelings so just listen. Don't try to cheer them up or change the subject. You don't have to respond to what they're saying. Many times, they're just looking for someone to listen. If you not sure what to say just respond like this, "I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't know what to say." Some people need to talk aloud in order to process what's going on internally and others just need an understanding listener.

• Discuss estate planning only if their affairs are not in order. Talking about selling someone's house after they die or about monetary splits is cruel and unkind. If they don't have a Will just get them a lawyer and stay out of the process. Be compassionate and let them have some peace in their remaining days.

• Don't treat them like an adult and not a child. They may not be able to hold their bodily functions, but it doesn't mean their mind is gone. Let them make decision as long as they can. The medical and physical process of dying can be demeaning try to help them keep their dignity as long as possible by treating them as the adults they are. Allow them to make their own medical decisions as long as possible. It will give them some control over the process

• Get Hospice care as soon as the doctor recommends it. Hospice caregivers deal with the dying on a daily basis and understand the physical needs of dying patients. Hospice's main goal is to make the dying as comfortable as possible and to ease their transition. For more information visit the National Hospice and Palliative Care website at http://www.nhpco.org

Dying is the one of the most personal and intimate events in a person's life. Help make your loved ones death as special and a meaningful as their life. It's natural to be fearful, but don't let it stop you from providing loving support at a time your loved one needs you the most.