Gladiator

You will enjoy watching this film as long as you do one little thing: Forget all you know about Roman history. To enjoy this film, I personally had to drill a hole in my skull, attach a shunt, and drain some fluid out of my brain.

The film starts out just fine with a cataclysmic battle scene between the Romans and German barbarians. Lots of torched arrows, catapults, sword fights, even a dog chewing on a barbarian who is trying to kill the Roman General Maximus (Russel Crowe). We might assume that the dog belongs to Maximus. The trouble is, the dog makes no more appearances in the movie. What happened to the dog?

Oh well. Time to drain some fluid out of my brain.

After the battle, the dying broken down Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris), tells Maximus that he wants Maximus to succeed him. He wants Maximus to be the "guardian" of Rome, and return all power back to the Senate, so Rome can be a republic again.

Never mind the historical fact that the real Marcus Aurelius wanted his son Commodus to succeed him. Also, if Marcus Aurelius really wanted the Senate to have all the power, he could have just decreed it publicly, then it would have become law. He did not need Maximus to do what he could do with his own lips and a wave of his hand.

Excuse me, time to drain some more brain fluid.

Because this fictitious Marcus Aurelius holds a secret meeting with Maximus regarding the power transfer, there are no other witnesses. Only he and Maximus know his intentions. How convenient. Now his evil son Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix) can kill him, seize power, and no one in Rome will bat an eyelid-except for Maximus. But what good is the word of a soldier against the emperor's son? After all, power normally passes from father to son.

Never mind the historical fact that the real Commodus was not an evil coward as Joaquin Phoenix portrayed him. The real Commodus wore a beard; he was not clean-shaven. He went to gladiator school and became a gladiator, risked his life in the coliseum, and was a hero to the Roman people.

Oops! my shunt fell on the floor. There, I stuck it back in my skull and I am draining some more fluid out of my brain. .

Of course the fictitious Commodus sees Maximus as a threat, so rather than crucifying him or killing him outright, Commodus orders a handful of soldiers to take Maximus out into the woods to be executed. That way, Maximus will have a chance to escape-and does, but is wounded in the process.

I am seriously running out of brain fluid. Maybe if I put my head in a vise, I can squeeze more out.

After he escapes execution, Maximus does a hard ride on his horse all the way to Spain (???) where his wife and son live on his farm. He is worried that Commodus might have them killed, and attempts to rescue them. Does Commodus succeed at killing the wife and son of Maximus? I won't tell. Watch the movie.

At some point after his journey home, Maximus passes out from having lost too much blood from his wound. He has a tattoo on his shoulder: "SPOR." which is an acronym standing for "The Senate and People of Rome." This tattoo serves notice that he is a Roman general. If anyone messes with him while he is unconscious, the guilty party will be crucified.

All soldiers, even a condemned one, are the property of Caesar, and shall be turned over to Caesar. However, none of that deters the slave traders who abduct Maximus while he is unconscious.

Man, my head hurts right now!

Maximus recovers from his wound with the help of another captured slave named Juba (Djimon Hounsou). Both he and Juba end up being the property of Proximo (Oliver Reed). They are then put to work as gladiators-ta da! I bet you never saw that coming.

The movie from here on out gets pretty exciting, and the plot gets thick like a stale cube of butter that's been sitting too long in the fridge. The plot has three dots making up a love triangle: Lucilla (Connie Nielsen) loves Maximus, but Maximus is still in love with his wife, and wants nothing more than to see her again along with his son..."but not yet...not yet..."

Maximus has a score to settle with Comodus. After all, Comodus has put him through a lot of grief up to this point in the film. He hatches a plan:

1. Scrape off his tattoo that proves his status, otherwise Proximo might set him free and that would make it too easy for Maximus to track down Commodus. (Pass me another shunt to insert in my skull.)

2. Fight and risk his life as a gladiator in an arena that is miles from Comodus and Rome. Who knows? If he is lucky, he might be killed before he ever reaches Comodus. (Drip...drip...drip...drip...)

3. Wait for the off chance that Comodus will invite Proximo and his circus to Rome. (No more brain fluid left. At this point, I started to enjoy the movie again.)

With a three-point plan like that, how could any gladiator go wrong?

The main advantage of such a lame-duck plan is that it forced Maximus to fight a lot of exciting battles in the arenas and finally the coliseum where he appeared as a gladiator. Of course, once he is done showboating he will attempt to kill Comodus and return all power to the Senate, with the help of Lucilla, his friend Cisero (Tommy Flanagan), and Senator Gracchus (Derek Jacobi).

As I stated previously, if you can forget all of the Roman history you have ever learned and suspend belief like a circus elephant, you will really enjoy this film. The action, the suspense, the acting, the directing, the costumes, the sets and locations were all superb.

I give Russel Crowe five stars for having perfect hair and perfect teeth and for recovering from his wounds without a trace of any scars.

The scenes involving the city of Rome were magnificently authentic. I thought the gladiator games programs in Latin were a nice touch. "Gladiatores Violentia (Fighting Gladiators)" appeared on the face of each program.

Normally I would rate a film like this five stars-I absolutely love films about ancient times. However, given this film's blatant historical inaccuracies and script flaws, I feel it only deserves four stars. Besides, I am missing a lot of fluid from my brain right now-so don't expect five stars from me.

Screenplay by David Franzoni
Directed by Ridley Scott
Runtime: 2 hrs. 35 mins.
Rated R