Glazing for Glory - How to Get Fabulous Hair

They say, "Never let them see you sweat." I don't agree, but I like repeating the adage. I subscribe to the theory, "Never let them see your hair if it lacks shine or looks like you live in a trailer park in Alabama."

Yet there I was, suffering from dull hair, when all along freedom was only a few rinses away. Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day I held John Frieda's new Luminous Color Glaze™ Clear Shine in my hands. Frieda himself claims this color glaze is an easy-to-use gel-crème formula that promises to boost your hair's shine right in the shower -- without affecting its color.

A little history: I noticed the vicious stares I'd get at the market as I ordered my half-pound of bologna; the malicious looks shot my way by the UPS guy every time he'd deliver my tiny brown packages; and, most of all, how noticeably eye contact was diminishing while complaining to my neighbors about their pet poodles pooping in my yard. They didn't see what the problem was; instead, their glares went straight to my hair. I read their thoughts: they wanted me dead. They felt that a person with faded lackluster hair should die.

I have to confess that my hair is not in its natural form. I color, straighten, tease, relax, and razor-cut my glamorous jet-black locks. (I'll be glad when the natural look is over.) Such a rigorous routine for my hair often left it in a dull, limp state that threatens to override any type of "look" I attempt. One night, I thought to myself, "Who am I kidding? I'm not Ryan Seacrest and I'm definitely not Clay Aiken; maybe I should stop over-processing my hair."

However, as I was pondering this life-threatening problem, the solution came to me late at night while watching a Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime. In a brilliant flash, I saw Luminous Color Glaze™ as advertised in one of those sex-driven commercials, guaranteeing me endless dates as soon as my hair's luster was restored. According to the ad, it contained "Shine Enhancers and Light Enhancers™" to enliven any hair color. Sure enough, a specific line of products was available to coordinate with any individual hair color: Radiant Red®, Brilliant Brunette®, and Sheer Blonde®.

The next day, I made the purchase at my local Wal-Mart and rushed home to begin my personal transformation. I discovered I had a few options. I could use this product each time I washed my hair, or use it as a "shine surge" once a week. So many choices: I needed luster, I needed shine, and I needed psychological help. Ripping off my clothes, I jumped in the shower, shampooed and conditioned my hair with my regular products (John Frieda highly recommends his own shampoo and conditioner duo, but who is he fooling?).

I squeezed the excess water out of my hair, and smoothed the Luminous Color Glaze™ Clear Shine through my hair (evenly from root to tip), and left it on for at least three minutes before rinsing. My hands couldn't believe it: the silky smoothness was immediately delivered; and if my now-good-friend John's word stayed true, a few treatments later my hair would get what's clinically termed a "wake-up call", revealing a more vibrant fresh and healthy, "straight from the salon" look and feel.

Fast-forward. I have been using Frieda's product for three weeks and I still haven't noticed the glamorous results it promised to deliver. There's no "wake-up call" in sight; in fact, my hair still snores well into the night, and I still get the long stares, questionable looks and imagined death threats from friends and family who've obviously found a better product.

I spit on the name John Frieda. The product's back label clearly reads: Delivers the results of a salon glazing treatment-adding a high-gloss finish to hair right in your shower. All you have to do is shampoo, condition, then glaze! Maybe I will use the leftover product to glaze a ham, and then invite the mailman, the neighbors and their poodles for a feast. Of course, I'll be wearing a shower cap.