Glenn Beck: CNN's Finely Tuned Asshole

Useless Rhetoric or Why the Hell Am I Talking About Glenn Beck?

Jetlag Democracy
Glenn Beck: CNN's Finely Tuned Asshole
Useless Rhetoric or Why the Hell Am I Talking About Glenn Beck?

"They're our enemy like the Soviet Union used to be, at least now we'll have someone to root against in the Olympics."

-Glenn Beck, talking about Iran or North Korea or Iraq or maybe even Lebanon, I'm not sure because my brain was scrambled by his idiocy incarnate.

To say that CNN is the only fair 24-hour news outlet is like saying that Fox News is kind of liberal. And nothing backs that sentiment up like their finely tuned asshole Glenn Beck. I'm not really sure why I'm writing an article about Glenn Beck since he isn't even on CNN proper, but rather their bastard child: CNN Headline News. I love CNN: Headline News for 21 hours out each day, the hours when they are not airing Glenn Beck's show which I think is called Glenn Beck Live or something. It airs at 7, 9 and 12 on weeknights, so there you go, in case you don't want to watch it or you just want to take notes on America's newest primetime primate.

I did a little research on Glenn Beck and, surprise, surprise, he's a reformed alcoholic and drug addict. What is it with all these reformed alcoholics? They make me sick. Well not pyshically sick, my own booze addiction does that, but they make me figuratively sick. Of course their leader, our President George W. Bush, has set a template for the conservative drinker who has suddenly found God (they can do anything if they put their minds to it!). Glenn Beck, to a tee, has lived up to this idiom.

He is loud, obnoxious and he doesn't like them darn terrorists. Nope, not one bit. And if you watch his show often enough, and I sadly have, he'll beat this decree into your skull with the force and fury of a sledgehammer. Where did it all go wrong, you wonder? Me too.

Predictably so, Glenn Beck is also from the school of conservative talk radio, another gem of an invention that's right up there with wire taps and income tax. Somehow I had never heard of him until he landed on CNN recently, but apparently he's the host of radio show that is syndicated in over 200 markets and even has a satellite deal. Those aren't numbers that's say "under the radar," but as far as my radar is concerned, that's where he was until he attacked my beloved Headline News. Apparently, and this is even scarier, he's also a published author. Hide the kids for God's sake, this is the worst kind of conservative "personality" (See: Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter).

Now, before I get ahead of myself, Glenn Beck isn't exactly as bad as those two parenthesized names. He's kind of goofy and his bright shirts tell me that he desperately wants to fit in with us liberals. For what it's worth he likes to say things like, ""I am a Conservative who doesn't happen to be a Republican," whatever that means. I've also heard him say, "If it looks like a duck and it sound like a duck...," so Glenn Beck is nothing if not completely contradictory and unnecessarily on my television for three more hours than he should be.

Look, I don't have the answers. I don't have any answer, not a single one. And if you like Glenn Beck, God bless you. But for my money it's people like Glenn Beck who are killing this country...not the faceless, nameless terrorists that he despises so much.

Published by Jetlag Democracy

Hi America, I'm a 2007 PZA winner. I write words in no particular, sometimes here, sometimes on the doors of bathroom stalls. My name is Lionel.  View profile

112 Comments

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  • Deirdra Baldwin7/9/2011

    You definitely get the "I Write the Best Titles and No One Can Touch Me" Award for this one. Lotta fun.

  • j masley6/3/2011

    his name is "beck". that's why he's in love with hitler! join the hard on for hitler club!

  • Gary2/28/2011

    Alcohol destroys brain cell. Glenn Beck is an alcoholic. Glenn Beck is brain-damaged.

  • Ryan Close1/29/2011

    Name one thing that Mr Beck has said that is hateful. What you have said seems very hateful and intolerant and violent. I hope that following the recent tragedies you have "toned down" your retorich to fit with the "new tone." You are inciting violence. And someone in your comments actualy uses an explitive to discribe the man. Name one place where he calls anyone an name with an explitive in it.

    Political discent is not hateful, a fact that democratic canidates made very clear when they were running against a republican majority. Progressive liberals often display hateful attitudes, such as when Rush Limbaugh donated a Christmass tree to his town, people on websites cursed him, described him using explitives, and suggested that the tree be shoved up his butt. Is that not hateful? Or am I a hateful conservitive for bringing this stuff up?

  • Buddy7/25/2010

    I teach U.S. government and I teach my students to debate an issue without insulting. Unfortunately most here need to take my class. As far as Glenn Beck is concerned, I don't fully agree with him on every issue, but we need to look past the messenger and check the facts of what he is saying. If you don't like him, then prove him wrong. I know it is easier to call each other names, but that just makes you look uneducated on how to debate.

  • EdHC7/22/2010

    Glenn Beck is the biggest @sshole I've ever seen on TV, who the hell thinks that this bigoted POS has anything of value to say on ANY news channel?
    The best thing that could happen is that he gets run over by a semi or that he strokes out on one of his drug fests.

  • JD7/15/2010

    Hahahaha... Ashamed... He said "fair media" What a moron, or should I say, gullible idiot. And to AMERICANfirst, where did your great grandparents immigrate from? You and your brother cousins wouldn't be here watching your LCD tv and charging internet porn if it weren't for them getting on that boat you racist pig. Sure the modern day illegal should immigrate less illegally and pay taxes like everyone else but what gives you the right to say get out? If you're so patriotic why don't you enlist and "die" for your arian brothers. Pathetic.

  • dick tracey6/23/2010

    Your gonna need more than stating glen beck hates terrorists and is a conservative to show that he is "killing this country".

  • amazing4/8/2010

    With Beck taking in over $20 million a year, it is simply amazing that so many people listen to what he says. And they do so without questioning his motives or sincerity - which are all driven by $23 million.

    Bumper Sticker: Are you dumb enough to listen to Glenn Beck?

  • AMERICANfirst3/19/2010

    I agree with the guy who says you are out of your meds. Glenn Beck and others like him are hated by Barry Soetoro Hussein and his band of ignorant clowns because Glenn spotlights their short comings and agendas. None of which are in favor of the AMERICAN people. They have illegals, takers and others in mind, not us. We have a president, or should I say, you have a president that is not only totally unqualified but is a bad man. He is not an AMERICAN. Of course, this is my opinion, which the stupid Democraps haven't taken from me yet. The guy who wants Glenn Beck dead calls us white trash because we are taking back OUR country, is a jerk. I want to see 1776 replayed. The blood shed doesn't matter as long as the United States of America is once again AMERICAN. Not a bunch of foreigners coming here to take what others have died for. If they come here legally and work for what they get that's great. As far as Europe hating Beck, so what? What does Europe know about anything? Wait until the

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