Global Warming Problem Solved; Gay Marriage to Blame

BOSTON, MA - Scientists at Harvard University have conclusively proven that global warming is a direct result of gay marriage.

In a prepared statement released Friday, professor of geophysics Myron Wynkler explained that there is a direct correlation between the disastrous environmental calamity of global warming and the recent rise in tolerance, even sanctions, of homosexuals becoming legally wed to one another.

"We knew, of course, that allowing same-sex marriage would lead to a devaluation of the American family unit," Wynkler explained, wiping his brow with a wet washcloth whilst advancing his PowerPoint slide featuring clip art of a 1950s-style family gathered around the dining table. "It was only upon further examination of the crisis that we came to understand gay marriage's full effect on the climate, weather patterns and the inevitable decay and destruction of the human lifestyle as we know it."

This conclusive evidence is the most damning case against gay marriage since 2003, in which nuclear civil war in Luxembourg was narrowly averted when a pair of local homosexuals decided it was better to just be friends.

Bystander Michael Cleveland, an open homosexual, was clearly sweltering in the Boston sun. When asked to comment on the speech, he said it was too hot to think about it, saying, "It's over a hundred degrees out yesterday and today, even if I was gettin' married, you think I'd have the energy for a honeymoon right now?"

"Hell, I'm straight," added Cape Cod resident Dirk Stringer, "but if it'd just stop being so damn hot out, I'd divorce my Dottie in a heartbeat. No, seriously. You can make it happen before she gets back from the restroom, right? Please?"

Professor Wynkler explained that as a resident of Massachusetts, the sole state supporting gay marriage at this time, it was only a matter of time before the correlation became clear to him. He added that this is not the first time that same-sex marriage has personally affronted him, blaming the resulting decline in the sanctity of heterosexual marriage to the breakup of his own relationship.

Wynkler's ex-wife, Rebecca Steinberg, was unreachable for comment on this due to a pressing appointment with a man with a larger penis. The man himself will be interviewed by this publication just as soon as our field recording interview equipment is replaced; its warehouse, and indeed several city blocks, were inexplicably destroyed by a freak meteor shower following the marriage of Arlington residents Sara Keels and Maggie Glazer.