Go to Bed Mad- Learning to Fight Fair

All couples will have disagreements, but too often those disagreements can turn into a full-blown screaming, accusing, name-calling fight that can have long lasting negative effects on a relationship. Learning to have a fair fight not only helps to avoid damaging the relationship, but also goes far toward actually solving the problems you were fighting about in the first place. With a few simple rules, your fights don't have to turn dirty and leave hard feelings. We all want to end the fight with a solution rather than having created even more problems between us and our partners. Learn to fight the way you would handle a disagreement at the office, for example. Too often we treat those we love with less respect than we do mere aquaintances.

1. Identify the problem and stay in the present. We've all had fights that start with one topic, hit on every single thing you and your partner has ever done wrong in the past, and end up with neither person actually knowing what the argument was about. These type of arguments are not only counter-productive, but they fail to identify the problem and make solving that problem almost impossible. Identify what the problem is that is being discussed. If you are not the person starting the discussion, then try to stop and identify what the problem is your partner is upset about.

2. Attack the problem, not the person. Arguments usually begin out of frustration and strong emotional reactions, and it's easy to go into attack mode with our words. But if your problem is that you feel your partner needs to help more with the housework, then calling them a lazy, no-good liar who uses people with no regard for their feelings will never result in getting the help you need with the household chores. Name calling only puts people on the defensive, and leads to a very long memory of the hurtful words you said. (We tend to remember the bad things people say about us much longer than the good things.) So keep your fight on the problem and avoid personal attacks. Treat the other person with the kind of respect you would want for yourself. Dr. Phil McGraw, in his article "Relationships/Sex- How to Fight Fair" says, "Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that."

3. Listen to what your partner is saying. We all want to be heard. You want your partner to hear you, so you need to make an effort to really hear what your partner is saying. Too often we are already thinking of what we want to say next and not listening to what the other person is saying. The only way you can be sure you understand the other person's point of view is to repeat back to them what you are hearing. "I hear you saying that you are so stressed out at work lately that you really don't feel like doing anything once you get home." Give the other person a chance to affirm that they actually meant that, before you say anything else. Dr Steve Stephens, a counselor and president of Every Marriage Matters, Inc suggests couples flip a coin to determine who will talk first. The winner of the coin toss then has three minutes to talk without being interrupted by the other person. At the end of those three minutes, the other person has three minutes of uninterrupted time to respond.

4. Don't just complain, but offer a suggestion to resolve the problem. Your partner might be willing to work with you to solve your problem if he or she understood what it would take to make you feel better about the situation. "I really need you to do the dishes a couple of times a week and give the kids their baths each night. In return, I am willing to do..." We have all had fights when we never had an understanding of what it would have taken from us to make the other person happy. State your needs and wants but also consider the other person's wants and needs.

5. It is alright to go to bed mad. Despite the advice we have always heard of making up before going to bed, sometimes it is best to read the situation and if you feel your partner is not in a good place to discuss this at the time, take a break from it and bring it up later. If you've been battling a deadline at work, sat in traffic for hours, and are hungry, it might not be the best time to be asked why you don't do more to help around the house. If the time seems wrong to address the problem, then be willing to hold onto the problem until a better time arises, even if you feel some resentment at bedtime. But if asked what is wrong, be willing to say, "I'd like to talk to you about a problem I'm feeling some resentment over, but it can wait until the weekend when you are feeling less stressed." By doing this, your partner may be willing to do this for you when you're having a bad day. Remember your feelings are toward the problem, not the person. You might also need some time to cool off from the emotions before tackling a problem, so be willing to say, "I hear you have a problem, but I need some time to relax and gather my thoughts before I can discuss this."

All of these common sense suggestions for fighting fair will make your life easier and make your relationship more solid. Mutual respect goes a long way to solving problems. Learn to back off from the overly emotional reactions and handle the argument like an adult who does love your partner and wants to make the situation between the two of you better, not worse.

"Relationships/Sex- How to Fight Fair" by Dr. Phil McGraw. www.drphil.com/articles/article/20

Blueprints for a Solid Marriage by Dr. Steve Stephens


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