God Appears, Orders Christians to "Cut This Shit Out."
Judging from the subject matter of the Lord's furious oration, it is clear that God's appearance coincided with the funeral of fallen soldier James Landry in Tennessee. Landry, a gay serviceman who died in a roadside bombing in Iraq in October has recently drawn the attention of radical Kansas Pastor Fred Phelps. Phelps and his supporters are professed enemies of homosexuality and believe that gays are drawing God's ire in both domestic and world domains.
Onlookers described the appearance as a gigantic cloudburst with a blinding flash of light prior to God's image becoming visible. God began his speech with "normally I don't come down here, but this is the last straw." The image of the sandal-bedecked, bathrobe-wearing supreme deity of the Christian faith is estimated to have been nearly one hundred stories tall. Eighty-seven percent of onlookers polled described God's countenance as "pissed."
The event has sparked widespread panic and wholesome surprise across the world. Terry Rossdale of Adams Morgan, DC responded, "I was having a coffee and then all of a sudden there was this really bright light outside. I thought it was a nuclear bomb, but then when I heard the voice, I knew. Shit man, God's here, I aint prepared for this."
God went on to state His distaste towards "this honkey bullshit." After moving one of His massive arms forward in a sweeping gesture, God stated with marked fury that "to the next person who pickets a funeral, I'm gonna smite you so hard you'll think your anus got vaporized."
"I'm going to make it clear for you. Be nice to folks, don't be an asshole, and give back. That's all you need to remember. If I hear any more of this hating bullshit going on any more, I'll give you your damn apocalypse. And it's not going to be the homos who go south." After his closing remarks, God disappeared within the cloudburst that dissipated in a matter of seconds.
Views on the cause for God's furious oration have been markedly diverse. "If it wasn't for the homosexual agenda, then God would not be so furious. This message is a direct result of the gay disease on America," responded pastor Jerry Gibbons of Douglassville, GA. Hans Merkel of Berlin stated, "America is to blame for this. I refuse to go to hell on account of their foolishness. Who the hell pickets a funeral?"
Pastor Phelps was unable to be reached for comment, but witnesses describe his demeanor as "scared shitless."
Published by Agaric
I don't spin View profile
An Interesting and New Religious Philosophy on God and SpiritualityThis particular narrative discusses my own personal religious journey from being raised religiously, to becoming a die hard atheist, to becoming the philosophically spiritual be...- Extremely Helpful Tips to Stop Bleeding from a Cut, Scrape, or Even a Paper CutWays to stop the bleeding from a cut, scrape, paper cut etc
- "U-Cut " Christmas Tree Farms in New HampshireNew Hampshire is perhaps bestknown for its fabulous White Mountains. But at Christmas time New Hampshire is also quite famous for its great green Christmas trees and you can cut your own.
- Is There a God?A question that man has been asking for hundreds if not thousands of years. Is there a God?
- Dieting Made Simple, as God Intended
- CLEANNESS VITAL for SPIRITUALITY - - - - - - -IT HONORS GOD JEHOVAH
- God's Wonder Woman: Religious and Spiritual Tips for Women
- God
- Cheat Codes - God of War (PS2)
- Why Does God Allow Evil to Prevail?
- You, God, and License Plate Holders
13 Comments
Post a CommentI have to read your other stuff! You write with such power and imagination. I am very much a Christian and also believe that we should live by the Bible - "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and "Love thy neighbor." It seems to me those verses are often overlooked. Another one I quote to myself daily is, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." I have definitely sinned and want to be judged gently. Love to all!
HAHAHAHA.
I freakin' hate christians.
Shortly after the events of 9-11, I watched (don't ask me why), a conversation between Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. They agreed the lesbian and homsexual "immorality" were responsible for this attack. And here I was led to believe that we were attacked by Osama Bin Laden and his fundamentalist relgious zealots. Phelps, Robertson and Falwell are nut jobs. How crass of them to use the tragedy of 9-11 to hawk their belief and inhumanity.
Funny! And, I agree; enought hatred already! They should all get a life.
Great article and I AM laughing! Also, just to contribute to alignment, what Phelps and his other 'lawyer' family members do (largely his daughter) is go about to any and all manner of funerals and provoke locals and then get into personal lawsuits with the jurisdictional authorities when people attack them as they protest. Been there, seen them. Pretty sick shit. They are a family cult of lawyers, mostly, and exist to make themselves rich by stirring and enflaming people's passions. I just think they are funny. I can't even take them serious.
Sorry to point this out, but this is nearly identical to an Onion article in their September 11th issue, except that "Christians" is replacing "World Religions".
I like your other articles a lot, though.
Hi Agaric, Happy New Year!!
I love it!! Very funny. You're a Coen Brothers fan aren't you? I love them too. Can I make suggestions? How about one with Oral Roberts (Or Pat Roberts, I forget who) who revealed today or yesterday that he had spoken to God. I love to see what you do with that.Bye
I do not believe in a "God" persay, but I do believe that if there was one, he would read this article and LAUGH. Very cute. Too bad it doesn't cover all the other so called minorities.
Not bad.
HAHAHAHAHA Thank you for making my day! If this doesn't hit it on the head I don't know what would! Live and Let LIVE or in this case RIP! Who's next?