God, Do You Remember?

This article is a bit different from many of my published pieces and it is my attempt to begin to humanize my work. I write for a number of reasons, and this article is written for those that worry with selfish thoughts in prayer. I often worry that God will not remember the good things when I meet him for judgment. I also often pray in writing. It is not conventional, but to me, effective. This article is not for everyone. It is for those that want to know me better both as a writer and as a person. I think that for a writer to truly be successful, they have to bare their soul. The reader should know who you are in my opinion. This is one of the layers of my onion being peeled as it were. Many feel this, but hopefully it will give some peace to those that struggle with these thoughts.

God, do you remember?

God, I know that I have been a disappointment to you through much of my adult life. I have done things that I never would have done when I was little. I was so soft hearted and innocent then.... I would do anything to make another smile, and would not hurt anyone even at my own expense. God, do you remember?

God, I hope that when you tally up my life, you will remember that I was the child that made it a point to be friends with the Smith boy in elementary school that everyone picked on. I lost my place in the popular group at school because of that, but you sent me a special friend in the Smith boy. I did not mind that he did not bathe, and was buck toothed. He was a good kid, and a good man today.
God, do you remember?

God, I hope you remember how I battled through a very tough time in my life with panic disorder. That affliction took so much of my innocence away, Lord. It made me feel as though nothing mattered because I would be dead soon anyway. I was so stupid Lord. I was so full of my own pain, that I hurt those around me Lord. I did things that I would never have done otherwise.
God, do you remember?

God, I hope when I stand before you that you will remember that I was always a champion for others. I took hold of problems that were not my own many times in my life, and tried to make things better for them. I hope that you will remember that I tried to love mankind.
God, do you remember?

God, will you remember that I sacrificed my own well being so that my children would have what they need? I want them to be so much better than me Lord. I want them to have the good in me, and expound upon it. They are so smart and bright, and innocent, just like I used to be....
God, do you remember?

I hope that someday, when I meet you face to face, that you will remember those things that made you proud, Lord. I know I have far more shortcomings than proud moments Lord. I guess it is in my nature to wish for the short comings to stand out. They are the essence of who I am and even more so, who I strive to be. I am so inherently flawed that I hold onto those things in my life that I am proud of and sin in doing so. It seems that every little thing I do is somehow sin. Life has become a bit of a bummer at times Lord.

When I think of all the things in my life I have done right and wrong, the picture becomes very blurry. I wish for clarity Lord. I wish for the ability to see that I cannot earn my way to heaven. I know that Jesus paid our price already, and that I need to believe and hold firm in the faith that my asking for forgiveness is essential. I need to improve in my walk with you every day, Lord.
I feel that you are hearing me Lord, and that you are whispering something ever so softly into my soul. You are giving me a peaceful feeling in my heart right now, Lord. You are letting me feel your divine voice giving me strength. What was that you said, Lord?

"I remember"