Gods: 3, Chariots: 0

NOTE: This story should contain a warning. And since I wrote the story, it will.

WARNING: If you're still a fan of President Obama, don't wait for the disclaimer. Just leave now.

DISCLAIMER: What follows is a lampoon of President Obama's recent speech at NASA. I downloaded the entire transcript from the Internet, which as we all know, contains zero errors.

SIDEBAR: I cannot guarantee that this story will contain zero errors, although it may contain the occasional author comment.

AUTHOR COMMENT: This is your final chance to leave now.

Thank you, everybody. (Applause) Thank you. (Applause) Thank you so much. (Applause) Thank you, everybody. (Applause) Please have a seat. Seat is spelled S-E-A-T. (Wild applause) Thank you.

You know, it's kind of humbling to stand here. (Derisive snorts) Here at NASA, very few people are impressed by Air Force One. (Laughter) Sure, it's comfortable, but it can't even reach low Earth orbit. (slide rules schussing, frantic scribbling, murmured algorithms)

Now, before I get to the part where I explain how I'm increasing NASA's budget by cutting NASA's budget, re-election protocols require me to say, at least once, that someone is "in the house." (Applause) I want to recognize Dr. Buzz Aldrin, who's in the house. (Applause) Four decades ago, according to my teleprompter, Buzz became a legend, like me, except I did it a whole lot quicker. Plus, I have a stunning profile, a professorial manner, and I often move my hands around like this. (Wild applause)

Your congresswoman, Anita Kosmos, is also in the house. (Scattered "who?" noises) Anita, who coincidentally happened to be on Air Force One during my flight down here today, voted for Obama-Care, which is a complete coincidence and has nothing to do with me being here today. Please give her a big round of votes. (Applause) I also want to thank everybody that wasn't specifically mentioned in my teleprompters, so please make a noise that sounds like "Applause" wrapped in parentheses. (Applause)

You know, it was from right here that the Hubble Telescope was sent into orbit, allowing us to plumb the deepest recesses of our galaxy, which saved or created 27 million Deep Recess Plumbing jobs. (Applause, mixed with Republican-sounding shouts of "you lie!")

I should point out, since it's an election year, that I have a picture from the Hubble hanging in "The Oval." So thank you for helping decorate my office. (Laughter) I should also point out my uncanny ability to take any topic, even the Hubble Telescope, and turn it into a discussion about me. (impressed sighs from egomaniacal politicians who are in the house)

So here we have the story of NASA. It was here that men and women, propelled by sheer nerve, raw talent, and tons of coffee, set about pushing the boundaries of humanity's reach. And I looked around at it all, and I saw that it was good. (Scattered agnostic applause)

Over the years, NASA has contributed immeasurable technological advances, like Spandex, or whatever it is you guys do. As somebody said, "we're more than just Tang." Hey, I actually like Tang! (Polite laughter, overlaid with a justifiable "it's been 50 years; enough already with the lame Tang references " bitterness)

So today, I'd like to talk about the next chapter in this story. And let me start by being extremely clear. I am 100 percent committed to the mission of NASA. (Applause) Because you will serve our society in ways that we can scarcely imagine. Because exploration will inspire wonder in new generations. And because those new generations almost immediately forget anything I actually promise.

I know there have been a number of questions raised about my administration's plan for space exploration, especially since my administration has no cogent plan for this or any other issue. So let me be clear. NASA was one of the areas in my budget where we didn't just maintain a freeze but we actually increased funding by $6 billion.

AUTHOR COMMENT: At this point, you may be feeling a bit queasy. As your guide, I'll give you a few moments to re-center yourselves. And I understand your confusion, because your instincts are correct. It is, in fact, not possible to freeze a budget and to increase it, too. I don't know what else to tell you. Breathe. Breathe. Okay, ready?

As a result of my kindness, we will probe the Sun's atmosphere. (Derisive snorts) We will plan missions to Mars. We will fund an advanced telescope to replace the replaced Hubble, allowing us to peer deeper into space than ever before, so I can get a new picture in The Oval. I've dubbed it the Double Hubble. (Sounds of several jaundiced guests leaving the room)

We will increase observation of Earth from space. In other words, we will fly out there and then turn around and stare at ourselves. And we will extend the life of the Space Station, while using it for its intended purpose: a purgatorial holding tank for conservative talk radio hosts.

Now, I recognize that some have said it is unfeasible or unwise to work with the private sector in this way. I agree. Because, when I'm done with this economy, there won't BE a private sector. Let's move on.

Next, we will invest more non-existent billions to design and build a deep-space rocket, no later than 2015. (Sounds of young NASA interns chanting and donning various Star Wars costumes) I have foretold such things in a vision, and decreed that they shall be invented, according to my schedule. (Swelling chanting noises)

The bottom line is that nobody is more committed to manned space flight than I am.

AUTHOR COMMENT: At this point, the lights in my office ominously dimmed. My computer keyboard actually stood up and stared at the transcript in disgust. It's true. At this point, even inanimate objects thought I was making this stuff up.

And so, by my 2025 coronation, my new spacecraft will take us into deep space. (Applause, mixed with interns checking their Facebook accounts) I've decided that we'll start by sending astronauts to an asteroid for the first time in history. (Uncontrollable snickering, inevitable "Bruce Willis" jokes) By the mid-2030s, early on a Tuesday, we'll send humans to Mars. And I expect to be around to see it. Because I am immortal. (Sounds of people paging themselves, so they can pretend they've just been summoned to an important meeting)

Now, some believe we should return to the Moon. But I just have to say pretty bluntly here: We've been there before. There's a lot more of space out there. (Collective "Well, DUH")

So we're going to modernize the Space Center and upgrade your launch facilities, which you must admit is very creative thinking, since you're about to lose all the funds you had to actually launch anything.

And there's potential for even more jobs as companies compete to be part of a new space industry. This holds the promise of generating more than 175 million jobs nationwide by the end of next week. And many of these jobs will be created right here in Florida. I can guarantee that, because the White House is now in charge of the Census.

Now, it's true - there are conservative-leaning, non-union Floridians who will see their work on the shuttle end as the program winds down. And that's why I'm proposing another initiative, funded by taxpayers in other states, to create or save jobs right here in Florida. Call it 30, 40 trillion. Whatever.

Remember that these layoffs are based on a decision that was made six years ago, not six months ago, and I bring that up because I haven't used the word "inherited" in nearly 11 minutes.

Now, I'll close by addressing the question that some Americans have asked: Why spend money solving problems in space, when we don't lack for problems to solve here on the ground? And the answer is simple. Money's no problem. If I need more, I just print it. Whatever.

Little more than 40 years ago, astronauts descended the nine-rung ladder of the lunar module called Eagle, and allowed their feet to touch the dusty surface of the Earth's only Moon. They might have visited other moons, but in my wisdom, I only built one.

And the question for us now is whether that was the beginning of something or the end of something. I choose to believe it was only the beginning of the end of something. Or something. Whatever.

So thank me very much. I bless you. And may I continue to bless the United States of America.

(Sounds of several hundred rocket scientists logging on to Monster.com)