Godzilla Gets a Praline

Day 2,241 of the Gulf Oil Spill. The third tactical nuke has failed to garrote the gusher.

And in the French Quarter, Godzilla is still at large.

Meanwhile, all along America's southern coast, nature is busily maladjusting. Entire ecosystems have packed and punted. Well-represented oysters won their class-action lawsuit, mass-migrated upriver to Memphis, and opened a wildly popular blues club called "Salt-Tune Crackers." Pensacola realtors are raking it in, having capitalized on some clever rezoning after the city was renamed "La Brea Phase II." Louisiana is a science experiment, Mobile went mobile, and Key West is a petro Petri dish. Nations of shrimp gave up the Gulf Coast ghost, chipped in on a moving van, and relocated to a spare bedroom in Pat Conroy's house.

The mounting public pressure seems to be getting the best of BP. Today, an unnamed spokesman testily commented that "Louisiana ain't the only place to get shrimp." Vice President Joe Biden called BP's comment a "big (expletive) deal" and then leaked the name of the spokesman, along with the location of several strategic oil reserves and our nuclear launch codes. Biden's facts were challenged by press veteran Helen Thomas who, as a cub reporter, covered the creation of oil during the Jurassic.

JAZZ UPDATE: Godzilla shows up with a trap set and sits in on a hot jam session at Preservation Hall. Gape-jawed music fans can't get enough of his funky "one-and-three shuffle."

Concerning the oil spill, White House spokesman Robert "Obviously" Gibbs insists that the current administration is "really close" to having a plan. When pressed by a reporter for details, Gibbs said he refuses to discuss hypotheticals. Sadly, Gibbs was then pecked to death by several exhausted-looking mammals, including brown pelicans and Helen Thomas.

Following BP's latest failed solution (the "Rope-A-Dope"), anxious Americans awaited news of their latest effort (the "Shut Up & Sing"). Apparently, this scheme involves having the oil geyser attend an eight-week Planet Sensitivity Training seminar, co-chaired by soft-spoken guru, Deep-pocket Chopra, and his wife, Oprah Chopra. The hope is that the bubbling crude will become wracked with guilt and surrender to China, so that China can then sell our own fuel right back to us in America.

JAZZ UPDATE: Godzilla waddled in to the Satchmo Summerfest with a trumpet, a Hotty Toddy hat, and a serious mojo. His soulful rendition of "Can't We Be Friends" leaves several attending patrons in need of oxygen.

As we know, all of BP's earlier plans were miserable failures, despite their high-tech tactics (mud), their radical alternatives (druid chants), and their public relations miscues ("Hey, you've still got 46 other states"). Their now-infamous "voodoo child" project, that involved sacrificing a live chicken in a graveyard at midnight, went horribly wrong. As a result, scores of horrid, muttering, wild-eyed creatures were unleashed, including undead zombies and Helen Thomas.

And that's when the White House called on Hollywood.

We ought to have seen that one coming. Given that we have a President whose entire leadership resume consists of reading his lines from a prompter while standing in front of fake Greek columns, pulling in Hollywood talent was only a matter of time.

Hollywood director James "Titanic" Cameron was the obvious choice to save our entire hemisphere, because he once used underwater cameras. Earlier today, Cameron (now Secretary of the Interior) held his daily briefing with Quentin "Reservoir Dogs" Tarantino (now head of FEMA) and the newly-appointed Special Effects Czar, Steven Spielberg (director of "Helen Thomas: The Extra-Terrestrial"). President Obama, who was still vacationing at a Chicago part-the-water park, restated his opinion that things should be what he thinks things should be, when things are not the things he thinks things are.

JAZZ UPDATE: On closing night at the Voodoo, Godzilla stomped on-stage during The Subdudes' set, whipped out a jaw-harp, and dedicated "All The Time In The World" to Helen Thomas. Observers say that several members of the audience were so overcome with emotion at Godzilla's interpretation that they converted to Shinto.

After Secretary Cameron reviewed the failures of BP's earlier attempts (the top hat, top kill, hat kill, side kill, just-a-bit-off-to-the-side kill and road kill), he admitted to seeing some promise in a Tarantino idea ("Kill Bill"). Unfortunately, Cameron's plot went awry when a robotic saw blade from the future went rogue, clawing its way through the floor of the Gulf. Deep, dark places were exposed, and things were disturbed that should not have been disturbed, including Godzilla and Helen Thomas.

And the rest is history.

NEWS UPDATE: This just in. Godzilla's live album, a Miles Davis tribute titled "Kind of Green," has been nominated for a Grammy. The album is a sales rocket at amazon.com, and Godzilla has been tagged as King of the Crewe for the next Mardi Gras.

And a DNA scan has confirmed that Helen Thomas is actually a Muppet.