Going to Europe: Tips for Tourists

Disclaimer: these tips might apply to tourists in other parts of the world, however Europe is my area of expertise in this subject so I shall stick to that continent.

Having been on both the host's and visitor's side, I feel I am qualified to dispense the following bits of advice. Please keep an open mind and remember, I've seen you do it.

Tip #1: Remember the time difference. This is not a rhetorical recommendation, for sometimes, in the heat of preparations, future travelers tend to forget about minor details such as time zones, and end up calling people in Europe when it is only 4:00AM there, thus leaving a very bad preliminary impression. Please remember there is a big world out there, and it's not all in America. Which leads me to my next tip...

Tip #2: Announcing you are American will not always cause Europeans to trip all over each other trying to touch your saintly hand. Yes, this is true, and here's why:

a) America being a super-power and somewhat isolated from the rest of the world, it tends to be quite self-centered. Your average American does not know much about Europe and current world events, unless he or she is self taught. This causes locals to think you're ignorant, particularly when you mispronounce their names.

b) The war in Iraq. Sorry folks, most of you might be against the war, but Bush is your president and Europe knows it. It was once popular to own everything American, and people still slobber over Hollywood movies and McDonalds (accursed fast food! Couldn't you leave that in the States? No, you had to come and cause obesity!), but don't expect to be greeted with cheers when saying 'I am from America!'.

Tip #3: Know your history and art. Taking pictures of famous places doesn't count if you don't know what it is you are looking at. So hire a tour guide, buy a guidebook or bring along your high school nerd, but fix that ignorance as soon as possible, please.

Tip #4: If you keep Kosher, eat only Halal meat, or have any order food requirements, find out what your options are before you set out on your trip. Countless people have been stranded without proper nutrition because of lack of foresight. It's a crying shame, people! Think ahead.

Tip #5: When talking to natives, do not keep mentioning that 'everything is so weird'. It is not weird, it's just different. Because this is Europe, not the United States, and things differ from country to country, continent to continent, etcetera. If you ask me, American strip malls are weird and so are your toilets and bathroom stalls (why can't the walls reach the stupid floor?)

Tip# 6: Check the exchange rate before traveling. Some European countries used to be relatively cheap, but the party is now over. We've got the Euro, baby!

Tip #7: Book a hotel ahead of time: countless tourists walk off the plane or train expecting to be greeted with the proverbial red carpet and a room with a view. Be informed, check rates, print out addresses of Youth Hostels, know where you're going, quit bothering us for heaven's sake.

Tip #7: Do-NOT-wear those hideous shorts especially if you have...ahem... rubenesque legs. Just stop, Okay? They're horrible, and they scream: American tourist ripe for the picking!

Tip #8: Don't do anything that you wouldn't do at home. You never know if you might end up on the internet or something, so quit acting like a frat boy. Humans have a tendency to feel free and released when they are on vacation, but don't forget that when you get to a town, the locals are not on vacation, and they do mind very much when you vomit all over their beautiful monuments.

That's all for now, folks. Stay safe, play it smart, send me a postcard.