Goldi Locks and the Three Criminal Charges

Goldi Locks (Teenager)
Defense Attorney
Prosecuting Attorney (stripper)
Judge (Pimp)
Papa Bear (Bill Clinton)
Mama Bear
Bailiff
Jury (7 dwarfs and Snow White as the jury foreman)
Reporter (Little Red "Writing" Hood)

All characters frozen in place. Reporter stands upstage right

LITTLE RED "WRITING" HOOD (Reporting)
Welcome back to our live coverage of the State of Neverland vs. Goldi Locks. The charges filed against Miss Locks are: Breaking and Entering, Grand Larceny, and Grand Theft Auto. Over the past few weeks, we've heard some very emotional testimony from the members of the Bear family. The prosecution is now getting ready to call Miss Locks to the stand. Let's take a look.

Stage to black. Reporter exits stage.
Prosecution stands. All others remain frozen.

PROSECUTION
The prosecution calls Miss Goldi Locks to the stand

Defense takes center stage.

DEFENSE (singing)
She took his money,
Cause she was in need.
She's not trifflin'
She's a friend indeed.
Called her a gold digger
Way over town
Digged on daddy,

Action begins. Goldi Locks and the defense dance as "Golddigger" plays. All others begin dance sequence (the Lean Back).

JUDGE
Order!

sound cue out. Everyone stops dancing and sits down. Goldi Locks takes the stand.

PROSECUTION
Magic Mirror, roll tape

Play video surveillance of Goldi Locks.

Miss Locks, this surveillance footage shows you entering the Bear's home while they are out, do you deny that this is, in fact, YOU we are seeing?

GOLDI LOCKS
That's me, but...

PROSECUTION
So this IS you on the tape? Is this also you stealing a rather expensive ring from Mrs. Bear's jewelry box?

GOLDI LOCKS
well, yeah, but...

PROSECUTION
So, this must be YOU helping yourself to Mr. Bear's car.

GOLDI LOCKS
You don't know the whole story!

PROSECUTION
What story? You broke into the Bear's home, stole their property and made your getaway in their car. The prosecution has no further questions.

Prosecution returns to seat.

JUDGE
The defense may approach the stand.

defense struts up to the stand

DEFENSE
Miss Locks, you claim there is more to the story than what we saw in the video. Would you mind telling the jury how you gained entry to the Bear's home?

GOLDI LOCKS
Mr. Bear gave me a key

DEFENSE
And why would he do that?

GOLDI LOCKS
He asked me to come over and see him while Mrs. Bear wasn't home

mama bear slaps papa bear off of the chair

PAPA BEAR (in a Clinton voice)
What'd I do?

Everyone freezes except mama bear

MAMA BEAR (singing)
Well you're a real hot cookie
with your new hairdo
Your high heel boots and your credit card
Long legs and a mini skirt
Yeah, you know what works and you work it hard.
You smile just like a lady, innocent and sweet
you drive the men folk crazy, but any girl can see
YOU'RE JUST A HOMEWRECKER

action begins again

DEFENSE
(to mama bear) Anyway!
(the Goldi Locks) Tell us more about your relationship with Mr. Bear

GOLDI LOCKS
I was a friend of Mr. Bear's daughter, Baby Bear. My relationship with Mr. Bear started out as harmless flirting, but it eventually became serious. He told me that he wanted to leave Mrs. Bear and after a while, I agreed to marry him. Eventually, he took back my ring and told me that I had to wait.

DEFENSE
wait until when?

GOLDI LOCKS
Until I turned 16

everyone gasps and begins whispering to each other.

I didn't want him to get into trouble, so I gave back the ring. After he gave me that car, he started acting different. He took back my car and said we shouldn't see each other anymore. I was hurt and I wanted MY ring back and MY car back, so I called him and he told me to go get whatever I wanted.

DEFENSE
Do you feel that Mr. Bear bribed you into the relationship?

GOLDI LOCKS
yes.

PROSECUTION
Objection!

JUDGE
On what grounds?

PROSECUTION
On the grounds that the defense looks like a slizzut!

JUDGE (looking the defense over)
Overruled. Bailiff, take Mr. Bear into custody. Charge him with enticing a minor. A hearing will be set regarding his charge

PAPA BEAR (in a Clinton voice, while being dragged off the stage)
I did not have sexual relations with that child!

PROSECUTION
This issue has nothing to do with the criminal nature of Miss Locks' behavior. Additionally, there is no concrete evidence of this accusation.

DEFENSE (walking toward prosecution)
You want evidence, here's your evidence!

Defense and prosecution begin to fight

JUDGE
Order!

DEFENSE (imitating Lil' Jon)
What?!

JUDGE
Order!

DEFENSE
What?!

JUDGE
Order!

DEFENSE
What?!

JUDGE
Order!

DEFENSE
OKAY!

JUDGE
The matter of evidence will be addressed at the hearing. I've heard enough! Court will recess while the jury deliberates.

stage to black. All freeze. reporter stands upstage right.

LITTLE RED "WRITING" HOOD
Welcome back to the State of Neverland vs. Goldi Locks. After 3 days of deliberation, the jury is ready to read the verdict in this case.

stage to black. exit reporter

JUDGE
Would the defendant please rise
(to jury) have you reached a verdict?

SNOW WHITE
You Honor, there was not enough evidence to convict nor acquit the defendant

JUDGE
That's great! I wanted to throw out the case anyway. The defense is a stripper.

defense starts to argue with the judge "I'm in love with a stripper" begins to play.

JUDGE
Bailiff, take the defense into my chambers, I'll deal with her later

Bailiff starts to drag defense off stage

DEFENSE
I'm Rick James, Bitch! I'm Rick James!

sound cue out

JUDGE (to the audience)
Cocaine is a hell of a drug!

stage to black

END OF PLAY