Good Church of Senisble Weight Control

INT. television studio - night

The set has a podium center stage. Behind the podium are stained glass windows, but instead of religious scenes, we see different food groups; a pie, a turkey, etc.

Announcer (O.C.)

You're watching Cable Access Channel 91, Bossier City.

Church organ music begins to rise. The REVEREND enters on stage. The music fades out.

Reverend

Hello, friends. Welcome to the Good Church of Sensible Weight Control and Pounds For Prayer Ministry coming to you live from Bossier City, Louisiana. I am the right Reverend "Billy Bob" Burkett. Friends, has the good Lord looked upon you and granted you a few extra pounds when you weren't looking? Is the word "leftovers" no longer in your vocabulary? When you walk on the beach, is there a sudden reduction in umbrella rentals? Then it's time you joined the Good Church of Sensible Weight Control and Pounds For Prayer Ministry. That's right, friends, lose pounds through prayer.

Friends, it's not your fault that you're weaker than a Richard Simmons handshake.It's not your fault that you are so absorbed by food that you make the Pillsbury doughboy noise when you flatulate. No siree, Bob. Food and weight problems have been an ongoing nightmare since the Unwritten Scriptures during Biblical times.

We're all familiar with the Scripture telling us how Eve was made out of a rib from Adam. But, according to the Unwritten Scriptures, Eve actually, every night, ate a plate of ribs from a place called Adam's Rib Joint. That's right, friends.

And everyone remembers that meaningful tale in the Bible where the very same Eve offered Adam that apple of temptation in the Garden Of Eden. Well, friends, according to the Unwritten Scriptures, it was not an apple, but an entire apple pie ala mode offered to the unwitting Adam.

And what about the greatest repast of them all? Yes, friends, I'm talking about The Last Supper. Many believe
it was just wine and bread served at that famous gathering. But when you read the Unwritten Scriptures, friends,
you'll discover that it was not just bread. It was not just wine. But, it was the entire take out menu from the all-you-
can-eat buffet at the Holy Land Bob's Big Boy.

You'll read other Unwritten Scriptures, like the story of the sacrificial lamb chop and mint jelly.

"Well", you must be asking yourself, "how much will this cost me, Reverend Billy Bob?"
Friends, we ask only for a small donation. That's right, tonight and tonight only, all we ask is that you send us a
dollar for every pound you weigh and you will become a member of the Good Church of Sensible Weight Control
and Pounds For Prayer Ministry. Plus, you'll get your very own copy of the Unwritten Scriptures, absolutely free of charge, once your true weight as been confirmed with one of our ministry personnel.

So, friends, don't delay. Send your donations in today by making a check payable to the Good Church of Sensible Weight Control and Pounds For Prayer Ministry. Or, simply substitute the word "CASH" instead.

Don't delay. Lose weight, while you pray.

Announcer (O.C.)

Offer void should the Better Business Bureau catch on.

FADE OUT

THE END