Good Grief: Losing My Father and Dealing with the Feelings

Many of you know that my father has been dying with Alzheimer's for many years now. My stepmother has tried to take care of him for the last two years while they have been living with her daughter and son-in-law. It has been very stressful on them but they have been amazing in the way that they have handled it. I have done what I can to help without being invasive.

It all started to go down hill over 2 years ago on New Year's Eve. It was not the best New Year's Eve that I have ever spent, and I know it wasn't their best either. My stepmother went into the hospital during the night and I went to stay with my dad because he really shouldn't have been left alone. He couldn't understand where they had gone.I would tell him over and over again, very gently, that she was in the hospital and would be home soon. The decision had to be made as to what to do with him and her too.

My brother-in-law very compassionately explained to my dad that a nurse was going to help him take a shower and help him get dressed. I still remember how he gently bent down next to his recliner and told him as respectfully that it was not something that I, as his daughter, or my stepsister was comfortable with doing. He actually handled it really well. One of my best friends whom was doing home health care, came to help him and loved him almost instantly because he was such a nice, friendly outgoing guy.

The decision was made that he and my stepmother were going to have to have more care than they could get living on their own. My stepsister and brother-in-law moved them into their house. I would go over and stay with my dad during the day and got several others to help to take care of him on different days and shifts. He really enjoyed new faces and new people to share his lifetime of stories with. They all loved him and were all impressed by his many stories about his life and his inventions. He was pretty accepting about having the health care aids helping him to shower. He was a very proud and modest man so we were not sure how he would deal with it.

After an extended period of time my stepmother was able to come home from the hospital and their reunion was priceless. I was teary-eyed watching their faces light up when they were reunited. The hard part was in my stepmother's anger over having to have caretakers around. She was really upset and didn't have a hard time letting us know that she was very angry about it. After time we were able to leave her alone with my dad when my stepsister and or her husband were at work.

Although it was not funny in a good way, but more in a dark gallow's humor kind of way, this is one of the things that happened repeatedly. He couldn't retain anything short-term. He remembered every horrible thing that had happened to him in the past, but not what had happened mere minutes previously. My stepmother would come out of her room, where she needed to rest, to go to the bathroom. Each trip was down the hall toward the family room where we were sitting. My dad would sweetly ask her to come out and to sit with us in the family room. She would bark at him that she had to go back to her room to rest. This would repeat on her way into the bathroom, on the way out of the bathroom and then each numerous time that she had to go to the bathroom. He would roll his eyes at me because he didn't realize that he kept asking her this time and time again. She in her frustration and fear over her own health would almost raise up on her tippy toes to bark at him. I very smartly stayed out of the middle of it.

After time as my stepmother was getting better we were able to let her take more charge over helping do things around the house. She made lunch for him and took care of their laundry. He still got help with his showers and dressing himself. No one expected this to continue for over 2 years. My stepmother with tears in her eyes said that she couldn't do it anymore. The decision had to be made to put him in a nursing home. It was devastating for her. It was shocking to him. He wanted to know why we were taking all of his clothes, dresser and belongings to the hospital. It was a horrifying experience, watching his terror and disbelief. We felt guilt over lying to him about where he was going. We knew he would be a lot more accepting of going to the hospital than to a nursing home.

I will continue this in part two.