Good Grief Part Four: Saying Goodbye to My Dad

I would like to say that I believe that there are no accidents that everything that happens is in God's plan. I believe that in general that is true, but I don't believe that God makes bad things happen. I believe that He can make good things happen out of bad things if we do the best that we can to try to do His will.

I went to see my dad on a Monday morning before meeting a friend for lunch. I was horrified by how bad that he looked. I made a decision to see him after I was done visiting with my friend. I didn't know if he looked worse because it was morning, or if he was failing more rapidly.I usually visited him in the afternoon. I couldn't get him off of my mind. As soon as I said goodbye to my friend I headed right back to the nursing home. He actually looked better than he had in the morning. He didn't remember that I had been there in the morning but he always remembered who I was.

I was driving home and impulsively called Kevin, his stepson from his second rebound marriage. He answered and was happy to hear that it was I. I told him that if he wanted to see Shannon that he needed to do it soon. He was shocked to hear that he was in Hospice. I don't think that he realized that he was that bad. He asked where he was and I told him what nursing home that he was in. He was right down the street getting his car washed. He said that he would meet me there.

He looked at me ominously and asked if I thought that we were looking at our future, the nursing home. I told him that I hoped not. He was not prepared to see how bad that our dad looked. He hadn't seen him in years. He sat and talked with Shannon for about twenty minutes. He went through his scrapbook with him and thanked him for all that he had done for him when he was a kid. He asked him if he remembered being offered a job at Cape Canaveral for $30,000 a year back in 1959. I said that must be about like $300,000 now. He corrected me and said that it would be much more than that. He then said that because Shannon didn't have a college education, that they couldn't hire him because it was against their policy.

He thanked me for getting him in touch with Shannon and we left not long after that. I really felt that it was a gift from God and was so glad that I followed that nudge. We said that we would be in touch.

I went to see my dad on Tuesday and was trying to figure out how I was going to be able to see him over the next two days. I always told him that I loved him before I left. I would hold his hand and give him a kiss if I could reach him. Sometimes he would be propped up too far away for me to reach. If I couldn't reach him I would kiss my finger and touch his nose. It always made him smile.

On one of the last days that he was alive on this earth he looked at me with pride and said, " I think that you are like me!"

I said, " I think that you are right."

That may not mean much to anyone else but it meant the world to me. I don't even know exactly what he meant by it, but I know that it was a compliment.

I teach my class on Wednesday and then we all go out to lunch after class. The next couple days were going to be real busy. I knew that I would go to see him after lunch and that probably on Thursday, because I would have to work after going to the fitness club it would be really difficult. Seeing him was my biggest priority. I felt that each day was a ticking time bomb.

My class is from 9:00 to 12:00 on Wednesday morning. It was 11:45 and my stepmom called me in tears. She told me that the nursing home said that we needed to come. I knew what that meant. I told my class that we needed to wrap it up. I had been telling them about the visit with my stepbrother and dad just minutes before. They looked at me and told me that I should leave immediately and that they would take care of the rest.

I took off, praying all of the way. "God, please let me get there in time!"

I called Kevin and told him what was going on. I didn't know what to do. He asked me if he should come. I told him it was up to him. I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. I probably shouldn't have been driving. Later one of my friends from class said that they were sorry that they didn't drive me there.

I was the first to arrive. I ran up to the door and was greeted by one of the nurses. She put her hands out. I could tell by the look on her face that he was gone. She said yes that he was gone. I collapsed. All of the pain and sadness, loss, grief, and love that I felt for him, came gushing out. She held me as I sobbed. She walked in with me and I saw him. He was still warm. He was at peace. The hospice nurse held me as I sobbed, deep howling sobs. I poured out all of the pain, not just for me but for him a for all of the betrayal, pain and heartache that he went through. I told them what my mother did to him and to me. They listened and supported me.

Kevin came in. I don't remember much of what I said to him. My stepmom and stepsister came in. I told her to sit with her mom. The sadness and loss on her face was devastating. The relief that he was not suffering anymore was also there. My stepsister told me that I should set with her mother. She knew that no one loved him as much as her mother and I did. We cried together.

I don't remember much after that but that we left him there. It felt like abandonment. Joe came down the hall and I thanked him for his kindness. He told me that before my dad died that he raised his hand up toward the sky. He said he was talking to Pappy. He said it was like he was reaching out to Jesus to take him home.

I don't remember calling my husband, son, or daughter. I know that I did. I don't remember driving home. I remember that we were going to make the funeral arrangements the next day. I remember that I went to church that night for choir practice. I remember feeling relief that his suffering was over. I remember the empty hole in my heart.

I remember my stepmom wanting me to give her Kevin's number because she wanted to ask him to be a pallbearer. I remember that we made arrangements to meet at the funeral home in the morning.

I know that there will be at least one more chapter to the conclusion of this part of my life and of my father's death. I am grieving in little bits and pieces as I write these final chapters. I know that the grief will never totally end on this side of heaven. I also know that I have been honored to have been able to share life and death with him, my father.