Good Things to Say to a Child During a Divorce

You're in the midst of a real tough divorce. The only thing you are clear about is that you want your kids to come out of this healthy and happy. You want to say things to assure them they are safe, loved and will be well cared for. Here are some supportive comments to make to a child during this difficult time.

• I love you: You may not love your spouse but it never hurts to remind a child how much they are loved and cared for. Don't assume they know. Say it with a hug. Children often feel that they may have been the cause of the divorce. Assure them that isn't so.

• You'll be fine: Now that there will only be one parent in the house on a daily basis they need to know you are up to the job. Even if you are not so sure that you can handle everything, don't share that concern with your kids. All they need to know is that you will continue to care for them as you always have.

• If you have any concerns let's talk about them: You never really know what a child is thinking or feeling and that can lead to a lot of wrong assumptions. Keep the lines of communication open. Allow them to share their feelings. This way you can respond to their real concerns, which may surprise you at times.

• I am always going to be here for you: We are all going to die and it can happen at any time. But during a divorce providing this security is essential for small children. It's unlikely that you will die and the benefits outweigh the negatives on this one. One parent has already left and knowing you will be there is essential for a child to feel safe to grow and continue to experience age appropriate independent activities. You don't want a child who won't leave the house because they are afraid if they take don't see you then you might go away and never come back.

• We aren't going anywhere: If at all possible children should be able to keep their house, stay in their school, and keep the same friends. This is actually more important for junior high and high school kids. Their friends will be their biggest supporters and making new ones at this time is hard. Anxiety is minimized when surroundings remain unchanged. Their room is a comfort. Don't say this if it isn't true. But try to make it be true if you can.

Children look to the adults in their lives to provide them with the things they need to feel safe and secure and during a divorce this is essential. Be positive about the future. Maintaining that outlook for your children will be helpful to you too.