Goodbye

This is an opinion piece about "letting go" of the most important person in life: an adult daughter or son. The key word about this writing is that it is an "opinion." Some may agree, some may not. It is a subject no one wants to tackle as it can be difficult to imagine any parent struggling with such a decision. It is shocking and disturbing but someone has to say it.

Many parents have been non-custodial parents whose children were alienated against them. This is common in child custody situations. The perpetrator- often an ex from a marriage or relationship, in a sense, "brainwashes" the child against the targeted parent. It cuts deeper than a brainwashing though. The child is literally taught to hate the targeted parent. The child may be orchestrated to make false allegations about the targeted parent, cuss and name call and the alienator cheers-on and rewards the daughter or son. There are daughters and sons who talk about the targeted parent as if they saw them yesterday, when in fact, it was 30 years ago. They share endless tales of things the hated parent supposedly did, although they could not possibly know firsthand. They are merely repeating what they were told. They may stalk the parent on the Internet and harm their loved ones. It can be a "cat and mouse game" of mental maneuvers and exhaustion, which can span for years.

Parental Alienation is the ultimate hate crime and it is child abuse. A child who has lived this hatred may never fully recover. It is like any abuse...it leaves scars. They may be visible or they may be invisible. Yet, the effects of this can last a lifetime.

When alienated children become adults, their hated parents may still tolerate being cussed out, harassed, and other abuse. They believe this is the only way they can have their sons or daughters in their lives. Any parent who has been the recipient of these tactics, will know their limit. For some parents, the "limit" was reached when they had a stroke, their blood pressure went off the charts, and/or they had a heart attack. Sometimes, the abuse is so intolerable that the parent will end their life due to the hopelessness. The fantasy that children will turn 18 or legal age and run to their alienated parent with their arms open and full of love, dies.

The bad news is that anger, hostility and hate, rarely vanish into thin air. Still, these emotions may shift, somewhat diminish, or lay dormant. Without proper intervention such as counseling, they usually return. Many of the non-custodial mothers I have supported, feel they must give it one more try...or try harder. Even if it is toxic to their lives. You see, society demands parents love their children unconditionally. Parents are also told to never give up. Should they even consider giving up, it can be interpreted as a lack of love for their children, or a weakness. People literally get angry with them for even thinking it. "Love your children unconditionally" and "Never give up" are phrases that are beginning to sound like cliches. Many of the people who harp on unconditional love for children, have younger children. They do not have children of legal age. There is a huge difference. Many parents repeating these catch-phrases, have not been cussed out or felt intimidated or bullied by their adult sons or daughters. They have not experienced their subsequent children being injured by their alienated son or daughter. They have not had other family members fear for their safety and be in harm's way- due to the son or daughter's violence. They have not picked their daughter up in an alley for the sixth time with a heroin needle in her arm, had a son repeatedly steal from them or been shoved into a wall three times by their drunken daughter. Without counseling and a thorough understanding of the dynamics, stages and effects of Parental Alienation, the drama and anger may never go away. In fact, it is wise to be prepared for this.

To some who have been abused by their adult children, any gesture of kindness or crumbs of their affection, spark hope. The frustrated mother who last week, said she would never again talk to her daughter or son will do it this week. The parent who slammed the door last month, crying, "I can't take it anymore...I'm done" is now residing with that daughter or son. An emotional roller coaster such as this - i.e. loving your child one day, letting go the next, loving the child three weeks from now, letting go three months down the road, loving and hating, and riding the ups and downs, takes its toll. The waves can be steep. It can also affect the credibility of a parent who continuously screams "I'm done"- and flip flops on his or her word. Especially if the parent advocates for other non-custodial parents.

Suddenly one day, the name calling, cussing, harassing, drama and threatening behaviors may come to a screeching halt. Why? Because the alienated parent learns he or she is going to be a grandparent. The war has come to a cease fire. Suddenly, everyone is happy, joyous and amends have supposedly been made. The same people who empathized last month with the mother's frustration and hugged her through her tears, are now sending congratulations. The same people who worried about the father's mental health and depression last week- when he called his daughter names, are now celebrating the joyous occasion. Everyone is in a frenzy about the baby. Where did the anger go?

Until the root of the problem is addressed, the anger is still there. It lingers. It will be kept under wraps until the next tirade. There will be a huge difference the next time there is an argument, though. The war will become even more intense because the stakes will be much higher. The grandparent may not get to see their grandchild. It is a familiar game and here it comes again. The parent will have to live through two alienations- the child and grandchild. This is a silent group of parents. They dread the chastising of others...especially if they knew their decisions. Many of these parents say if they could give their grandchildren anything, they would give them peace. They do not want to go to "battle" with their adult children...again. They refuse to participate in any "game" that would enable the child to be used as a pawn. They know the first time things go sour with their alienated son or daughter, so does their relationship with their grandchild. Some bluntly say they cannot live through a loss like they did with their child....ever again. They say they would rather die.

It is not surprising that a child could be used as a weapon. The frightening truth is that Parental Alienation travels from one generation to the next. If adult children, know the dynamics, have been victims and have seen the alienation "work," more of the abuse could be on the way. Especially if the adult child has previously acted out in abuse and violence and was orchestrated to make false allegations of abuse. They know the game because once upon a time, they were the prize. There is no other painful way to make someone "pay" when being pissed off, than to tug at their heartstrings and use a baby. As one grandmother recently told me, "as long as I do whatever they want I get to see my grandchild." What happens when grandmother says no? There is an obvious element of control here. Since these anger, drama episodes have been a continuous process, why would they stop because of the presence of a baby?

Too many grandparents do not see their grandchildren. Due to divorce, death, the escalation of alienation and hatred from their own children, legal fees, health issues, and other reasons, they are ousted from the lives of their grandchildren, with little resources for a solution. This is one reason Grandparent Rights groups have formed. Although grandparents have been on the short end of the stick in being granted official, legal "rights" to their grandchildren, they can gain tremendous support and education from one another.

A common definition of insanity is continuously doing the same thing, while expecting a different result. Coming together, letting go, coming together, letting go...the outcome will continue to be the same. No wonder parents tell me they feel like they are going insane. Without tremendous effort and commitment, the parent-adult child relationship will probably remain turbulent, dramatic and hateful.

If ever there were a time to change, it is before the birth of a baby. If it has been an on-going, long term "war" - all the more reason to make a decision and stick to it. Sometimes, it is just time to get off of the emotional roller coaster. Needless to say, a good-bye decision regarding children is heartwrenching. It is not supposed to be this way. It goes against Mother Nature...especially for mothers who have the prenatal bond with the child - which includes pregnancy, labor and birth. No one is advocating for parents to ever give up, not pray for their children, not love their children from a distance, or not believe in miracles. All of us are human though, and there has to be a common sense factor here.

Some parents do not have the emotional energy, money, or time to spend years in counseling. For some, this would require relocation- if the family would be in counseling together. Some parents feel in the back of their minds- as their adult children age into their 30's and 40's, that it is "too late." Besides, the alienated daughter or son, may flatly refuse to go for counseling because they believe nothing is "wrong" with them. There are gossipers who will argue the alienated parent does not care enough, or they would do anything on this earth to be near their daughter or son. It is true that most parents will do just about anything to have their children in their life. Nowhere is it said though, that a parent must die (from health reasons) attempting to have a relationship with their child, or a parent must tolerate being abused. This is not "part of" being a parent by any stretch of the imagination. So, some parents feel forced to "settle" by loving their children from a distance.

If a baby is coming and everyone is as ecstatic as they claim, perhaps those involved will seek counseling. Hopefully, they will vow that there will be no more name calling, alienation and anger that will force another child in this world to live in a battle ground.

It is inappropriate and downright wrong to expect the anticipation of any child's birth and presence to calm the anger. Let's face it, if adult children have been cruel to their parents, there has been an on-going hate campaign for many years, they cuss and threaten, stalk, are disrespectful, and put family members at risk, these hostile feelings and actions are not going to magically disappear. Even with the birth of a child. How could they? As soon as the triggers occur that cause the turmoil and drama, things are right back where they started. Perhaps it is time to identify those triggers or "buttons" people push, that bring on the chaos.

One thing is certain: It is unrealistic to expect an innocent baby or child to calm the tempers and improve the situation of adults. A baby will not "band-aid" a relationship of any kind. It is unfair to saddle an innocent child with so much burden and power.