Good-Bye 2010

I remember running down the hall toward their apartment. We had to ride the elevator up, and I hated that ride. I didn't mind the drive into the Bronx. I was more afraid of being stuck in an elevator, and that unfortunate experience found me later in college. But now I was running down the hall, and the door opened. And I stopped.

I pushed my brothers in front of me, and they returned the favor. My father urged us on, and we slowly approached the open door. We tried hiding behind each other, but it was too late. Large arms wrapped around each one of us, squeezing us tight. Bear Hugs. My grandmother always gave us Bear Hugs, and my grandfather would greet us inside once we got freed. And the day would go on, turning memories, but when I look back to then, I remember my grandmother crushing me, burying me in her love.

I wish that I can say that looking back, I have good memories, memories that would make one laugh and smile. I don't. When I look back, all I see are mistakes, mistakes that I can never take back. When I wonder how I got here, how I am living this life, all I need to do is look back and see where it all went wrong, but as I stare at the broken road behind me, I realized something. Life seems to be getting better, and for me to hold onto that, I have to stop making mistakes. But I still make them.

I remember applying for the 911 Operator position. I had to fill in tons of paperwork, listing every single job. I never realized how many jobs I had until I was finally done, and when I thought back to those moments working either in fast food or retail, a knot turned in my stomach. Some of those jobs were mistakes, but I felt trapped, lodged between a rock and a hard place. And one job even led to a broken arm, but I can't take back the time I lost. All I can do is remember my mistakes, and I still feel trapped. I'm still home, living in a room with four, small walls, and I haven't broken free yet. And that is my mistake.

Ten years ago, I was in Ocean City, Maryland. It was supposed to be a fun vacation with friends. It turned out to be a nightmare instead. I went for the guy I was dating, and he ripped out my heart. I was devastated, so devastated that I didn't see the car flying down the lane. I shouldn't have stepped into the street, but I didn't care. I wanted to be away from him, and it was a miracle that I did not get struck by that car. My life was saved, but for ten years, I wandered lost, wasting that time. Only now do I realize that life is short, and I can't be wasting time. And I have to stop with the mistakes.

It is 2010. This year went by so fast. Bang, and then it was gone. No love has found my heart, but my writing has kept me strong, alive. Accomplishments found me this year, but in terms of health, this was the worst year next to when I got the flu/pneumonia in 1996. I began this year uprooted at my job, moved into a temporary position, and then landed where I am now, and my situation has improved for the better. So, why am I not happy?

It's because I'm not living my dream. He said to make a plan, and he is right. I can't wing it anymore. I need direction, and a blueprint would set me straight. I want the world to know me. I always wanted the world to know me, and my writing is the key. But I haven't found the door nor am I looking for it. I'm just floating, cruising through life, but how many years will disappear in a blink of an eye before all chances run out? How will I bring my dream to life, a candle merely flickering against the dark? The pieces are there. All I have to do is focus, plan, so that is my New Years Resolution. No more wasting time. No more mistakes or letting my anger get the best of me. Time is a precious thing, and we take it for granted. I take it for granted.

I look back a lot on my life. I wonder how did I get here, and then I remember. I can't change what I have done or said. I can't erase those moments, but I can learn from them. I can understand myself then and then let go. The past is a chain wrapped around my neck, holding me back, and for me to break free, I have to let go. But no more hovering, no more no direction. When I leave this world, I don't want to be another blank face in the crowd. I want to be someone, and I am. I just have to remember that, so now I say good-bye to another year. Ashes are falling over the shadow of who I was, and a fire ignites, breathing new life into who I plan to become. So, here I am, 2011. I'm ready for you with open arms. Bear Hugs. My dreams I will make true.