Goosing the Gold

By drinking plenty of fluids and getting lots of bed rest, I've managed to avoid a bad case of Olympic fever. Not that I mind. It's just that the Olympics are turning into the same-old same-old. With world records being broken every time you turn around, maybe it's time to toughen things up and add some new sports. And I don't mean synchronized swimming or ski boards. Or taking any sport and letting girls do it. No, we need something different and exciting. Something out of those Mountain Dew commercials or reality shows. I've jotted down some notes and hopefully will be passing around a petition soon.

Downhill Bowling - Sure, sure, they say it's not a real sport if you can eat curly fries waiting your turn, but bowling is real popular and it can only get more so by setting up bowling slopes where bowlers can hurl their ball down the side of a mountain and go for that 7-10 split!

Synchronized Schuss - Two skiers have to hit the slopes as a team and mimic one another. Watch the poles fly on this one!

Cross Country Golf - Face it, going for the gold in golf ain't never gonna happen unless we can juice it up. So how about sending those plaid-wearing wonders out on the Cumberland Gap or the Oregon Trail? Sure, the course is only one hole, but it's a par 690. Also possible: Cross Country Tennis or Cross Country Soccer.

Ski Jump Shot - Sort of like the Biathlon in reverse...instead of skiers going out and shooting, someone shoots at the skiers as they leave the jump ramp. It would certainly make that long, long wait for the skier to reach the ground more exciting if someone was taking shots at him.

Greco-Roman Cycling - Who doesn't love the movie "Ben-Hur?" Well, we can re-create those two-wheeled thrills as Olympic cyclists are equipped with jagged-toothed wing nuts, spiked pedals and handle grips that convert into whips. The old velodrome will be hopping then!

Shopping Basket Ball - One team pushes shopping carts around, the other has to throw balls in them. Think of the sponsorships possible: Pathmark vs. Shoprite in the semi-finals for the chance to go up against A & P. A major untapped market here -- supermarket, that is!

Mixed-doubles Bobsled - 'nuff said.

Free Style Marathon - Hey, anybody can run but how many can walk on their hands? Or go 26 miles juggling toasters, skating backwards or on a pogo stick? Not many, I'd wager.

Hiney slide - Basically, the luge without that luge sled thingie.

Broad Jump Start - Athletes with jumper cables leap from automobile to automobile, starting the cars of fans who left their lights on in the parking lot.

Figure Swimming - Figure skating is one of the most popular sports on TV, so why not keep it going in the off-season? Sure, they can do figure eights and double camels on ice, but what happens after the thaw? Not so easy then, eh? And for couples, imagine trying some of those fancy leaps without getting water up your nose. Although the lifts would be easier. Judges would watch for grace, style and ability to hold breath.

Full Contact Hockey - Actually, that's kind of redundant.

Bungee Ski Jump & Back - Just like the regular ski jump, except the skiers are attached to a bungee cord. Points are awarded on style, height, distance and snap-back.

The Decaflon - Athletes have to compete in 10 different overnight events. Whoever stays awake the longest, wins.

Hi-tech Hurdles - Forget the wood and bring on the lasers! Star Wars technology can sure wake up the stodgiest track and field meet. And none of this wussy plowing-through-the-hurdles, knocking them down. You don't clear these babies, you're barbecue.

Ice Soccer - Forget that goofy curling; let's have teams run around on the ice, trying to kick a puck into the goal. Talk about degree of difficulty!

Tequila Shot Put - Just like your brother-in-law's bachelor party, except that there's a prize for the last one standing.

Low Hurdles - Basically a track with speed bumps. That'll keep those sprinters within posted speed limits.

Uneven Parallel Bar Exam - Gymnasts vs. Lawyers. Boy, will the talcum fly!

These are just some ideas for the Olympic Committee to consider. Now back to the think tank. The Summer Olympics will be here before you can say "proud corporate sponsor."