Got Enough Kids?

Anyone with more than two children has likely been assaulted in public at one time (or many times) by someone who has felt the burning need to make them feel like an irresponsible member of society for being so heinous as to burden their sight with multiple children at once. You have likely walked away from such an encounter frustrated with yourself for not having just the right thing to say to make them realize the stupidity of their comment and/or action. Well, no more. Below you will find helpful suggestions for those of you who, like me, are happily burdened with more little bundles of love then the world-at-large can handle.

Got enough kids?

Not yet. I'm still trying to acquire a few more healthy ones for the sweat-shop. Why, are you selling?

We're trying to stock-up before all the good ones are taken.

Well, we've got enough for the basketball team, but we've really set our hearts on a football team.

We keep trying for one that poops gold. We'll let you know when we get there.

You do know what causes that, right?

Does everyone who says this really believe they were the first to proffer up the socially insightful and clearly hilarious comment? Their all-knowing smirk of self-indulgent humor says:

Yes. I am in fact so naïve as to believe I just could have been the first person in history to ask anyone with more than two children, "you do know what causes that right?" I most thoroughly enjoy saying it like they were a toddler trying to carry an overburdening armful of toys down the stairs soon to be met with an imminent and complete loss of control followed by a headfirst plummet down to the bottom where they will lay hopelessly sprawled among play-things gone wayward - evidence of their obvious-to-everyone-else-but-not-to-them stupidity.

I usually reply to such an intellectually advanced comment in kind and say, "No. But we think it's the popcorn."

My! You have your hands full!

I know! Isn't it wonderful.

My shrink says I shouldn't do it anymore, but the voices in my head are saying to kill you and hide the body in the garden with the others. The petunias will be happy.

Are those ALL yours?

Nah, they're just on loan from God for a few years.

What are you, a cop?! How did you find me? You'll never take me alive!

Nope. I'm an adrenaline junkie. Going to Wal-Mart with only one or two hyper children just doesn't give me the fix I need so I always borrow a couple more.

Counting children out loud in front of parent (wide-eyed and disapprovingly)

This usually occurs in the mall or a grocery store where the offender likely also has something handy to count. Try counting the bags they are holding or cans in their cart aloud very slowly and with growing alarm with each numeral. End with a firm nod and a satisfied smile on your face indicating you are very pleased with yourself for having been able to count that high without your head popping.

Disgusted Glare (my personal favorite)

Carry around some Imodium AD with you wherever you go. When you catch this individual in the act, discretely walk to them, hand over a few pills and conspiratorially whisper, "I know that look. Don't worry, two of these and you won't have to keep them squeezed so tight when you walk." Then give them a warm motherly/fatherly smile and walk away happy to have been able to help someone in such an unfortunate circumstance.