GPS: All Systems Go

Navigation systems, I'm told, rely on two things; the Global Positioning System (GPS) receiver and the digital map data.

The guy in the store tells me they're fool proof.

Ah, yes. But are they women proof?

When your client books you for the community centre and tells you it's at the end of the road and, when you ask for the name of that road, replies "I don't know," I imagine the GPS is stuck.

Another thing I suspect would beat it, is being booked at the Whitehouse Community Centre in Peterlee.

"It's in Edenhill Road," she told me. "Next to the Cemetery."

Easy-peasy for the Global Positioning System with its digital map data, just feed in the name of the road and the town and it'll take you right there. Only it wasn't in Edenhill Road. The Whitehouse Community Centre, when I found it in Eden Lane, wasn't white either, and it had a sign reading 'Peterlee Community Association' but despite having the incorrect name and the wrong street, I found it. Something the machine couldn't do.

Another lady client told me, "We're on the new estate, but you'll find us quite easy."

Oh, yeah?

"Turn right at the new roundabout. Follow the road and turn left at another roundabout. Straight down and you'll find us at the end."

Pretty simple. I can find that, which is more than the navigation system could as the new estate isn't on their digital map.

Well, I could have found it if I hadn't assumed that the two roundabouts she had mentioned were consecutive. How could I know she meant turn right at the first roundabout; keep straight on at the next two, then turn left at the fourth one.

But the best directions I ever got was from a woman in Bishop Auckland. She said, "At the roundabout take the third exit; go down the hill, over the bridge, up the other side. When the road swings left, there's a hairdresser's on the right hand side. On the left you'll see two blue doors; that's the football ground. Turn left immediately in front of the doors. Follow that road; keep to the left the whole way. At the end you'll see two houses. The one on the left belongs to the church. The other one, with the black wrought iron gates, is ours.

Amazing! I've never had such good instructions before. I was quite convinced that, when I got there, I would find she was a man.

So, I took the third exit at the roundabout, went down the hill, over the bridge, and up the other side. When the road swung left, there was the hairdresser's on my right hand side. On the left were two blue doors, so I turned left immediately in front of them.

Following the road and keeping to the left the whole way, I found the two houses. The one on the left had a sign saying it belonged to the church. The other one had black wrought iron gates so I rang the bell and her husband said, "What are you doing here? The party's not at home."

I don't care how good these in-car navigation systems are, they'll never find the show if they follow a woman's directions.