Grandma

She could hear Susan's voice in her head - "Karma, karma, karma."

June 3, 2001
Tara got a huge refund from the IRS after having to pay taxes for six years, friends gave her stuff over and over for her apartment in the last few weeks and it was exactly the stuff she needed, she started getting in shape, co-workers gave her gifts and clothes, she paid her bills early for the first time in her life, won some free stuff, her dog won a free vaccine and exam at a vet, her new apartment was $100 cheaper than what she was paying, a woman who was moving out of the country gave her practically a whole garage full of stuff she needed, Planned Parenthood said they wanted to publish her adoption journal online for clients, an old boss had some side work for her for extra money, she got a $40 credit on her phone bill for accidentally overpaying, and began volunteering for a pet adoption organization, among doing other good deeds almost on a daily basis.

Susan swore that she was getting all this good karma because of all the good deeds she'd been doing, though she'd never bought into that stuff till now.

"You know why all this good stuff is happening, don't you?" Susan asked. "It's because you're not practicing your sex addiction."

"I wondered if that was it," Tara said.

Susan later told her that she wasn't saying never have sex or get in a relationship again, just not right now. It seemed to Tara that she was already neurotic but when she got in a relationship she got sicker.

June 4, 2001
Tara's maternal grandmother had a heart attack and stroke the week before and was now at death's door, curled up in a fetal position in the hospital. She refused all meds and food and Tara's mom was spending every waking hour there.

Now they all played the waiting game regarding preparing for their grandma's funeral. She was getting weaker daily and the doctor said it was just a matter of time before she "released" herself and that it could come any day now. Tara's oldest sister, Janet, who lived in Illinois, was waiting until the funeral to come instead of coming now. Her next to oldest sister, Danielle, who lived in Alabama and was marginally retarded, didn't know if she was coming.

Tara's mom was frustrated because she couldn't make Danielle understand that their grandma couldn't talk to her. Danielle kept asking Tara's mom to put the phone up to her ear so they could carry on a conversation. Tara offered to call Danielle for her mom and explain things, but Tara's mom said it was okay; she'd call her again. Chelsea was a two-hour drive from the hospital and was going to drive there over the weekend to be with their mom. Tara was waiting to attend the funeral before she traveled since her grandma was suffering from dementia and didn't know who or where she was.

She remembered when she was little she and her grandma used to do word search puzzles all the time together. She was close to her grandma when she was a kid but as the years went by she stopped visiting since she lived out of state and never had the money and just dropped her an occasional line. Once in awhile she'd call her at her mother's urging.

She had fallen down a lot in past years and her alcoholic son who lived with her didn't take care of her, but always brought home girlfriends and ignored her. Once he moved her walker across the room so she couldn't get to it. But despite the pleadings of Tara's aunt and mom, her grandma wouldn't make him move out. The family couldn't afford home health care and none of the other relatives would take the time to help out. So everything fell on Tara's mom and aunt's shoulders who were already overburdened with family and work responsibilities of their own.

Tara's mom called her last week and told her about her grandma's latest illness. Tara's mom wasn't sleeping much and her husband wasn't being that compassionate either, which the norm was for him. He didn't deal well with emotions and was a tough-acting guy who never let anyone see him sad or crying. The only time Tara ever saw him cry was at his brother's funeral, and not openly, either.

June 5, 2001
Tara emailed Veronica and Frank an anniversary card to commemorate the anniversary of the day the three of them met even though it wasn't till the 8th. She hadn't had sex in four months. She'd done this before but it had been a long time. She didn't count when she was pregnant and went without for seven months because who really wanted to have sex when you were hugely pregnant.

And to think that for the first time in her life she was actually choosing abstinence, a choice she laughed at when presented to her at Gladney.

She remembered when she was still pregnant, one of the workshops the residents at the center had to attend was from Planned Parenthood and one particular week the topic was abstinence. Several residents, mostly teenagers, said they were going to practice that method of birth control in the future for a while.

When it came Tara's turn, she defiantly said, "I'll be honest with you. I'm not going to try to be abstinent. That's not the answer for me."

"That's fine," the counselor said, smoothly.
"Why would you want to get in the same predicament again?" a resident asked her.

"Who says I have to?" she countered.

Fast forward to today, just for fun, Tara had taken one of those on-line personality tests. This one was called "What Kind of Dog Are You?" It told her she was a devil-may-care Irish setter (a breed she didn't like ironically). It went on to say that she was fun loving and light-hearted
and that life was an adventure for her - an attitude her nearest and dearest supposedly found refreshing and inspiring.

"Witty with a nose for fun, you can turn any social gathering into an unforgettable event, which is why you're always at the top of the guest list" (this wasn't true about the guest list; she rarely got invited anywhere).

"Your varied interests - anything and everything from sky-diving to club hopping - make you extremely well-rounded," the profile elaborated. "Just make sure you don't get distracted and lose sight of your responsibilities. As long as you stay balanced, you're a lucky dog who will always be a kid at heart."

Apparently a girl Tara still kept in contact with who she knew from Gladney who had changed her mind and kept her second child along with her first, was also "an Irish Setter."

She decided after work not to pick up that girl for the support group because she lived in a "crack town" neighborhood and with the car troubles she'd been having coupled with the bad karma she'd now put out into the universe, that she'd probably get car jacked or break down. That was how her luck ran.

She went to the meeting anyway and felt better.

She got another notice from the IRS about another possible check! She couldn't believe it was the third one just this year!

That night she dreamed MacKenzie was very verbal at ten months of age and in the dream Tara was visiting her while Veronica ran a daycare out of her home. Later in the dream MacKenzie decided she didn't like Tara, who kept trying to take care of her but didn't know how. There was another woman who had an imaginary daughter (she'd lost her mind).

She got an email from Veronica:

"I sent you a card to be mailed on the 8th as that's the day I have on my calendar that you chose us," she wrote. "I finished taping MacKenzie and will mail it tomorrow. Ben's in a lot of it as I didn't want to totally leave him out and he doesn't understand why I would just want her."

Tara's grandma was being moved to another hospital because of Medicaid and was fading in and out of consciousness. Sometimes she would squeeze Tara's mom's hand or hold up a stuffed dog when asked to. But other than that, the waiting game continued.

Tara planned on leaving next week when the funeral might happen.

The loss of MacKenzie was starting to fade like an old photograph being retouched. It was like when a photographer puts an old picture in a pan of water and touches it up with his tools until it's done. She remembered when she worked on the college newspaper how the campus photographer used to hang the pictures after developing them so they could dry on a long string in the photo lab. Back then they could only use black and white pictures because color would always run.

Sometimes fellow reporters would sneak into the lab when no one was watching and make out, herself included.

Her first freelance job was her fantasy, writing for a magazine, during which time she wrote book reviews, another thing she didn't think she could do. She sold her first article at the age of 24 for $200. She still had the copy of the check in a frame. After she got sober she won a Florida Press Association Award, an affirmation from a large entity. That same year she started honing her photography skills, something she was still rusty at.

When she and Mark moved to Texas with his job, a small town paper hired her again and it proved to her she was still wanted in her field.

The previous year she became a Guardian Ad Litem (child advocate) and felt like her life had come full circle.

Two years later, after moving to Texas, she became a child advocate there, testifying in her second court case. She felt like she had a new lease on life. It made her feel like after being a GAL she still had what it took to be a good advocate.

June 7, 2001
Tara's grandma was still hanging in there and didn't have to be moved to another hospital after all. The doctors kept telling Tara's mom and aunt that her grandma couldn't hear them or know what was going on, though she kept squeezing her mom's hand and would still hold up the stuffed animal when asked.

Her mom still insisted that no one needed to come until the funeral. She was trying to be tough.

"I haven't decided if I'm going to drive up there yet or not," Chelsea emailed Tara. "I know they'll be drinking and she (Mom) will be detached. I don't want to have a fantasy of me running through a field of wildflowers and Mom embracing me and us having �the perfect daughter' moment."

Tara told Chelsea that she thought it was good if she drove up there now and that their mom was just trying to be tough as usual and pretend she didn't need anyone.

Chelsea told Tara she'd call Tara and let her know what was going on after she drove up to see their mom later that day.

Tara saw her shrink that day and told him she was doing okay, that she had just stuck to her regular meds and decided not to mess with the Tegretol because of side effects. She didn't tell him she'd dumped two bottles of it out months ago after feeling suicidal.

They talked about the adoption and she showed him the latest pictures. When her new caseworker met with her, she told her the only problem in her life right now were unpaid parking tickets.

That afternoon Tara got the videotape of MacKenzie in the mail and couldn't wait to watch it. It came with an anniversary card commemorating the day that Tara picked her APs. MacKenzie was shown doing all kinds of things, swimming, playing in the Jacuzzi, and playing with her toys, sleeping, taking a bath, and playing at the park. It made Tara feel so good to see her so happy, especially the Jacuzzi shots where she was laughing, loving the water and splashing around. She kicked her legs a lot to try to make herself go in her baby inner tube. Frank was in more of the scenes, playing with her and talking to her. She said "dadadada" throughout the video even though Veronica kept trying to get her to say "mammma" or "bababa" or "lalalalal."

MacKenzie and Frank had a cute game of saying "dadadada" to each other even if he wasn't in the room. They would go back and forth shouting it. Tara noticed MacKenzie had her pair of lungs and when she looked angry, like when Ben splashed her or pulled on her too much, she saw a hint of a temper much like her own which amused Tara. In various scenes MacKenzie was clapping, beating on a drum, and watching TV. with her dad, and being watched over by one of the dogs who were very protective of both kids.

Tara thought MacKenzie seemed pretty smart and noticed her legs had gotten long, one of Alex's features.

That weekend her old boss, whose daughter's birthday was that Sunday, was planting a tree to commemorate the occasion. She knew this weekend would be rough on her.

June 8, 2001
A year ago Tara had chosen Veronica and Frank. She remembered opening their profile book for the first time and seeing them starting back at her from the pages. "Open" was the first word that came to her mind when she saw them.

Her mom called at work now and told her that her grandma was still hanging on but was starving now so they were putting a feeding tube down her today. She was very congested, was wearing adult diapers, and in a comatose state. She was still squeezing her mom's hand though.

Chelsea still hadn't made it up there to see her.

Tara's mom told her she wasn't going to leave a message on Danielle's machine but talk to her instead because she knew if she left a message it would just confuse her due to her mental incapacity to understand. Tara offered again to call Danielle for her but her mom said it was okay, she'd handle it.

Tara spent most of the day happy at work, thinking of MacKenzie surfing the waves in the Jacuzzi and how she laughed and
played. She talked to her old boss who was planting that tree that weekend and she was having a hard time with the anniversary of her baby's birthday, plus dealing with her alcoholic dad living with her and no privacy for her and her boyfriend.

"I wish people understood how we felt," her old boss told her. "It's getting hard now that the weekend's here."

Her old boss's sister was expecting her second baby but her old boss was glad it was a boy and not a girl. Tara told her there were two
pregnant women in her office, one of who was due the day after MacKenzie's birthday and was having a girl, her first.

"See that'd be too hard," her old boss said.

Her baby had been born the day before her adoptive dad's birthday and Tara's was born the day before Frank's.

Tara got an emailed card from Veronica and Frank about the anniversary of the day she chose them:

"Just one year ago today we got the wonderful news that you had chose us," they wrote. "Then as well as now we are so honored that you chose us to raise your little girl. We love you so very much and are thinking of you today."

A year ago, Tara's old boss's baby girl was born.

Her old boss and her fiancée planted a Sweet Gum tree that day in her daughter's honor out in the country at an old retired couple's house.

They planned on living there till they died so Tara's old boss felt good about her choice of location.

She and Tara talked later that night.

"You're the only one who called today," her old boss said. "None of my family called."
"And they knew?" Tara asked. "I mean they knew you were planting the tree and everything?"

"Yeah. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I just want it to be as important to them as it is to me," her old boss said. "Even my mom didn't call."

"I'm sorry," Tara said, empathetically. "I know how you feel."

"Do you think I'm being unreasonable?"

"No, not at all. That's definitely an irritation. I can relate to it," Tara said.

She got an email from Chelsea about her grandma, which said nothing had changed:

"She looks just terrible to put it bluntly," Chelsea wrote. "She was never conscious or anything like that - just had feeding tube and was chock full of Morphine. It's pretty sad just waiting for her to go and now the forced feeding is probably prolonging the inevitable. I guess it's hard to get a big family to agree, or even a small one for that matter. Just for the record, don't do that to me; please if I can't come back on my own with God's help. I think we were a good distraction for Mom and Aunt Sara if nothing else and I'm the closest distance-wise."

Tara kept her appointment with her counselor, which was new behavior. Her counselor was still working on helping her say "No" to guys for now, especially him.

"What kept you from calling your ex-husband today?" her counselor asked.

"I remembered him being sick of me being sick with my asthma and telling me that," Tara said. "That crushed me. When we were dating he was so sweet about it but after we got married he changed. I changed too."

"I'm sure it was devastating to hear that," her counselor acknowledged. "I think you should send the letters."

"I don't know. So much has happened. I've put him through so much. What he did to me was nothing, really," Tara said, forlornly.

She spent several hours with Susan and didn't get home till late. The times she spent with Susan always flew. It was so easy just to hang out with her and do nothing. Susan told her all about her trip to New York, every detail and Tara didn't even mind that she was exhausted and later had to help her rescue a baby bird from the clutches of her cat.

"At least it'll die a peaceful death," Susan said as she laid it on the kitchen counter, swaddled in three different towels.

Finally Tara took her gifts Susan gave her from New York and drove home.

June 12, 2001
"Frank really liked his Father's Day card (you sent)," Veronica wrote. "MacKenzie is waving and blowing kisses this week. Something my nieces taught her. She continues to scoot backwards in her version of a crawl. The girls are going to start keeping her one day a week during the summer and I'm going to work day shift at the hospital. I want to save the money for our October trip to Albuquerque to the balloon festival. She loves them (my nieces) as they hold her so much and don't even want to put her down when she naps. I also tell their mom (Tonya) that it's good birth control for them as it can get hard keeping she and Ben for 12 hours. And, of course, being a single parent Tonya can always use help with a little extra money for the girls. They will both be in drill team next year - Tess as an officer and Amber as a new member. Everything costs money! And their dad doesn't help. But I'm going to miss Mac and Ben! Get over it, huh? Frank is so excited that I'm going to be making some money. We love you."

July 13, 2001
Chelsea had written Tara earlier that she'd be willing to watch MacKenzie's video and would like to see it, just that she was expressing how she felt.

July 14, 2001
Tara talked to Chelsea earlier and her grandma was still the same only now she had an infection.

June 16, 2001
"Hi, just got in from working a four-hour shift and read Sidney's story (the artistic former resident)," Veronica wrote Tara. "I've cried and cried. I also read that adoptive couple's journal and cried and cried. Thanks for forwarding those to me. Adoption touches so many people's lives. I wonder about Amy and how she's doing (the resident who made MacKenzie's blanket). I know that not a day goes by that you don't think of MacKenzie and I still ache for you. We love her so much and would die for her. We love you very, very much also and always talk about, �How do you think Tara's doing?' So you are always on our minds also and we always wonder how you're doing. I think (hope) this is true of all APs as nothing could compare to the wonderful gift you have given. Anyway, I'm tired and as I re-read this, it isn't the best grammatically written thing I've ever prepared. But know I wrote it with love."

Tara contemplated going downtown that night and checking out the nightlife that was always fun - with someone. She thought about going to her favorite piano bar where she and her friend had gone New Year's Eve.

Leafing through her address book, there really was no one to call. Her old boss went out of town for the day and night with her fiancée so she was unavailable. And everyone else was either busy, not home, or wouldn't understand.

June 17, 2001
Father's Day
Tara called her step dad and wished him "Happy Father's Day." Thanks to the good ole U.S. mail, he only got half of his Father's Day stuff.
"I don't know what's wrong with your mother," he told her. "She's just not herself."

"She's losing her mom," Tara thought, but didn't voice it.

"Why, how's she acting?" she asked instead.

"She's just not herself. She comes in, gets a change of clothes and leaves. I never see her. But if that's what she wants to do," he said, sullenly.

The local newspaper had called the other day and told her they were going to run her letter to the editor about the little girl locked in that closet. She was surprised, but pleased. That'd be two letters they'd be running of hers in less than a month.

June 18, 2001
Tara got called on a writing job for an interview for next week. It was an hour away in Dallas but she was going anyway and she was so excited about it. She'd have to get her car repaired that weekend to make the trip.

June 19, 2001
Tara exercised with her dog, taking him on long walks, and then going through the drive-thru to get him water, which he lapped up eagerly as she drove.

June 21, 2001
The local paper published her letter to the editor about the little girl who'd been locked in a closet:

"A Hard Story"
"As a writer I know how hard it must have been for reporter Mary McKee to write about the abused girl in Hutchins. After watching the nighttime news recently - something I never do - I couldn't stop thinking about Lauren and her family and I offered up my prayers for them all.
I could only think to myself, "You wouldn't even treat a dog this way." My dog and cat have better living conditions than this child did.

Sadly, even if she recovers physically, I know she will never be the same.

As a former foster child and child advocate, I have seen and heard about some things that no human being should, so I know about the repercussions of abuse and neglect.

Thank you for not sensationalizing this story but lending responsibility and compassion to it."

All the letters in the Opinion section of that paper had to do with the story:

"In the future, lawyers representing adoptive parents fighting to keep a child from being returned to a blood relative will be able to city the Hutchins girl as an example of how much harm a misguided judge can cause a child," one reader wrote in. "Why do judges feel that a blood relative can love a child better than an adoptive parent? This is an old-fashioned idea and does not need to be the sole reason for granting someone custody a child."

"To let a family have a child for two years and then return the child to the biological mother, as was done in this case, is just simply ludicrous. If a mother hasn't decided in six months that she wants to be the mother of a child, then she never will. I am shocked every time I see that a child has been in a loving home only to be returned to the biological parent (s) and later found to be abused or dead," another reader wrote "I sincerely hope this child is allowed to return to the mother and father who attempted to adopt her. If she'd been allowed to remain there, she might have been a bright little girl now instead of a skeleton of an abused child."

Tara got an email from Veronica after asking about MacKenzie's appetite, allergies, and reflux:

"No change with MacKenzie's appetite," she wrote. "I need to drop by her doctor's or work and weigh her as I feel sure she's 16 pounds now. No further problems with reflux or allergies. She's scooting backwards everywhere and will crawl forward a few steps now. She retaliated today when Ben took a toy she was playing with by pushing him. All Right MacKenzie! I was so proud of her and Ben was so shocked. You should have seen the look on his face. We got reservations for the balloon festival.

I can't wait to see the kids' faces when there are over 800 balloons in the sky. It is truly awesome. It'll be a quick trip."

Tara and an old friend of hers talked and joked for a while about sobriety, relationships, and anger. After he left Tara thought about the five years she'd known him and how they could still pick up where they left off in their friendship (without the sex), joking and laughing and connecting. She regretted the one-night stand with him but was glad he was still in her life, although sporadically. He was still dating the woman he'd brought to the birthday party earlier in the month and he said it was going well "as long as everyone was honest."

His girlfriend had four months sober.

June 24, 2001
Susan's girlfriend got Tara a free room at the hotel where she worked and free room service for the night as a thank you for house/pet-sitting. Susan's girlfriend told Tara she could invite someone if she wanted but she couldn't think of anyone.

As she checked in, Tara remembered how Susan's girlfriend kept telling her she should get a job at a hotel and that her company was hiring. But for Tara, although she'd thought about how cool it'd be to work in a hotel many times, they were triggers for her sex addiction. It was like going into a bar for an alcoholic.

As she entered the glass elevator a maintenance guy who worked for the hotel asked her what floor.

"Six," she said and thought "sex" to herself.

Susan's girlfriend had left her a piece of chocolate cake and a computer note welcoming her. She immediately ordered room service and kicked her shoes off.

She was starving.

She called room service for shampoo and the same guy behind the counter came to the door. She worried, "What if he pushed the door back and raped me?"

"Boys Don't Cry" was on which Tara had seen three times. She watched a few minutes of it then went to bed. She remembered how furious she got the first time she saw the rape scene in it.

June 25, 2001
Tara decided to skip breakfast and head to work.
While cleaning the house Tara realized she hadn't really thought of MacKenzie that day and remembered other birth moms who had placed years ago telling her that that would happen. They said the first time it happened you'd feel guilty. Tara was acutely aware that
MacKenzie was starting to become a slight memory, still a fresh one but a memory just the same. As she looked at one of her pictures on the fridge she realized now that MacKenzie was becoming a happy memory and understood for the first time in her heart what one birth mom told her a long time ago - that it would get to be like she had a child out there somewhere and that she was happy but she wouldn't get sad every time she thought of her and that she would be like a long-lost relative.

It was a weird feeling now and one that Tara never thought she would get to. She imagined herself telling new birth moms that the first year was the hardest and how she hated hearing that when she was new at this, too. She had begun feeling what felt like a little closure as
MacKenzie's first birthday crept up on her. It was less than two months away and soon MacKenzie would no longer be an infant but a toddler.

Tara's neighbor and her neighbor's daughter had a backwards relationship anyway but they both had hearts of gold. They took in stray animals, too, unable to say no. To Tara it seemed like an addiction. They had nine cats and two dogs and the placed always reeked. She felt sorry for them in a way but in another way she distanced herself as much as she could and didn't want any part of the chaos.

She was too busy reveling in her newborn serenity, savoring the peace that she had created in her own home and was continuously working so hard to keep.

June 27, 2001
Later in the day one of the doctors at work who she didn't think cared for her at first, complimented her on her outfit. She remembered that he'd been kind of friendly lately and she knew he was married with kids. She wondered if she was just reading into his sudden friendliness or if there was something there.

According to a "Sex and The City Personality Quiz" she took online that day, she was most like Samantha's character, which she already knew. It said she was charming, charismatic and men flocked to her confident come-hither vie.

"Besides encouraging other women to walk on the wild side without apology, you prove that even when men are weasels and women are catty, there's - purr - always a way to land on your feet," it went on to say. "Still, there's so much more to you than your sex-kitten status - don't be afraid to play up your intelligence, too.

Your ultimate date - High-impact mattress mambo at the Ritz.

Your signature style: Sultry siren

Your dream job: Publicist, judge of Mr. Universe pageant, licensed sex therapist.

Your typical workout: Booty-shaking at the club"

A friend of hers told Tara she was in love with her new boyfriend when she didn't think she was before. He fell in love with her first.

Tara told her she was happy for her and her friend told her she wanted her to meet him. Her friend asked her if she told him she was a recovering alcoholic and Tara said no, that she was trying not to divulge too much too soon which she had done in every relationship she'd ever had. She didn't know if that killed the relationship but she thought it was a form of self-sabotage or maybe trying to scare the other person off by trying to make them believe how "bad" she was.

June 28, 2001
Tara got an email from Veronica:

"We just got our issue of Bright Futures, that Gladney publication," she wrote. "It has quite a few articles about talking to your children
about their birth moms. It's a really great article (s). They talk about sending out pebbles as they are young - something I think we already do. With my sister being pregnant it has brought up a great opportunity to tell Ben that no, he didn't grow in my belly like Chris' new baby is doing. That some mommies' bellies are sick so another lady - very special lady carried him in her belly just for us. Also that is was very, very hard for her to decide to do that and she still misses him every day. Anyway, it's a great starting point, one we will use with MacKenzie soon.

That way in adolescence the "boulders" aren't quite so big.

I just signed on to write you about MacKenzie's great feat! She has been crawling one or two "steps" forward, but then sits on her bottom and changes directions. Well just ten minutes ago she crawled probably fifteen feet and is soooo proud of herself. The dogs are now her targets. They let her get really close and then run like crazy before she can grab their tails! Frank just left for work so I wanted to share this with YOU! He'll hear about it tomorrow morning.

Also we saw her GI doctor yesterday who took her off of her Zantac and says to encourage more eating!! Early Childhood Intervention is coming tomorrow to really work with her as I want her enjoying her birthday cake in a month and a half. So she's doing great. I'm concerned about stopping the Zantac but they did an EGD - where they put a probe through the esophagus into the stomach and duodenum and the stomach looks good, a very healthy color just like's supposed to look. So hopefully it's just a matter of time. Patience has never been my great virtue!

As always, I think of you every day - especially as MacKenzie's birthday draws closer. We are so thankful and love you so much
for your tremendous gift. We owe you a letter/pics on July 15th and I have been lax about taking pics so I am trying to rectify that by taking a few each day. So far just one roll is ready. Quite a few less than usual.

Ben is attending museum camp this week, which he loves. Still enjoying the Jacuzzi every day.

Hope your grandmother rallies!"

Tara wrote her back:

"I loved the updates on MacKenzie's crawling," she said. "I'm so glad she's off the medication (for her reflux) I hate that she got so many bad physical stuff from me. I really hope she doesn't wind up with asthma and manic depression, too. Anyway, I really think the manic stuff is environment so if that's the case, she'll be fine. I've been thinking a lot about her birthday, too and trying to decide how I want to celebrate it. A lot of birth moms plant trees but I want to do something with my writing, just not sure what. Susan suggested buying her a piece of art every year for each year but that doesn't feel right to me. She suggested it because she's an artist so it'd feel right to her. She said maybe she'd do it and let it be from her. As far as pix, believe me, you do more than enough and I am so grateful I have an AP mom like you because you are rare, believe me!

"My grandma is still in the hospital and is semi-comatose but is hanging on. I think about my mom a lot and worry she's not taking care of herself. She ran herself ragged through this whole thing. I talked to her last week and she's doing better but I still worry because I know how she is. My heart goes out to her.

Tara found a quote she liked:

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

June 29, 2001
Tara's mom called that morning and told her that her grandma was the same and would probably be released back to the nursing home soon. She said the stroke paralyzed her throat and she couldn't talk, just stared intensely at visitors. Her grandma was still battling the infection but getting over pneumonia and the doctor said it was terminal it was just a matter of when she would die.

At work some co-workers of Tara's announced they were having a baby shower for three pregnant women on the 9th and asked for donations and/or gifts.