Grandmothers

you are miles away
but i can see you
head bent low over a book
long dark hair, a curtain
hiding you and her away
from the cruelty of life.

i know your voice
from lengthy conversations
we have cried across the country
we have laughed so hard we choked
i can hear it now
the words spilled softly
out for her to catch
the hope in every syllable
hear me
know i'm here.

each word i see, typed out
from your keyboard to my screen
is screaming, crying straight into
my heart

i know where you are now
i do not envy where you'll be.

i can feel you grasping blindly
for the words to make the pain make sense
if i could do it
i would take it all away

i have been there
i have seen the fading eyes, heard the voice melt into
nothing
seen the woman who once held us close
grow childlike herself

i am afraid to tell you this part:
the jealousy, the fact that you
can say good-bye to yours
when i was ripped away from mine

there should be comfort in the world
for things like this.
there should be buttons we can press
to turn it off.
there should be dials we can twist
to turn back the years, twenty, thirty, more
to when things were as they should be
we were small
and they were whole
and there should be maps
we can erase
to make the miles obsolete
so i could hold your hand and
gather all our pretzel girls around you
make a shield
keep the pain
from getting in.