Grandmothers Vs. Mothers - Parenting Techniques

Having a child has brought me infinitely closer to my mother. It has also caused me to feel frustration, annoyance, and even a sense of competition towards her. Before I go any further let me say that it is very difficult to write anything that even hints at a negative tone towards my mom. Her kind and gentle demeanor instantly wins over all who meet her. Growing up everyone always wanted to have sleepovers at my house because of their love for my mom, and the ever present food and sodas she offered. To this day adult friends still seek her advice that is always dispensed in such a patient manner. I absolutely, positively, love my mom with ever fiber of my being.

Additionally hindering my ability to complain is the fact that I, along with my 13 month old son, live with my parents. Not only do they pay for all of my living expenses, they're footing the bill for my child. His sperm donor is not in the picture and because I am a senior in college I do not work. Voicing my displeasure while living in somebody's home-- off their gracious dime nonetheless-- almost makes me feel guilty.

I would not be truthful if I did not mention the underlying tension in our home. From all the information I have gleaned this seems to be a normal phenomenon between mothers [including in-laws] and their daughters. I do not feel as though I am in the minority, but I can say with confidence that my mother and I have very different styles of parenting and this is often a source of conflict.

At the root of the problem lies our drastically different personalities, which translates into our methods of raising children. My mother is very overprotective of Adam, whereas I am more inclined to let him freely explore his surroundings. She immediately sanitizes his hands after he crawls on the ground, yet I understand that kids will inevitably put a finger in their mouth even if it has been on the floor. If he breaks a rule, Mom coddles him while gently saying "No, Adam, don't do that." I'll put him in time out or gently swat his hand while speaking in a stern voice.

Every parent has their own style and I respect this. Yet it becomes frustrating when I feel that my style is not respected. There becomes an inevitable clash of the titans when my mother and I butt heads when it comes to Adam. When he first arrived, my bottles were always too cold. I didn't sing to him enough. More of my time should have been spent rocking him. His bed should have been his crib [which made him cry and wake frequently] instead of his battery-operated swing [which made him sleep peacefully throughout the night].

Now I am treated with skepticism because don't watch him every second that he walks-- although he is never far from my sight. If he throws a toy out of his playpen then he won't be getting it back. I have no qualms taking him to the park even though I have to take him down relatively quiet street that-- gasp-- has no sidewalk. It seems that with every stage of his development I continue to do something wrong.

As can be expected, this sort of reaction from my mother causes resentment. If Adam cries she runs through a laundry list: Have you tried reading to him? Did you grab his purple toy? Does he need a diaper change? Why don't you try this, that, or the other? Yes, Mom, I have done all of those and then some. I find it hurtful because these types of questions and even at times creatively-veiled criticism make me feel as though she thinks I am inadequate. Hinting that my parenting style may not be appropriate is offensive.

....Then I come back to reality.

My mother loves us unconditionally. She wants nothing but the absolute best for both my son and me. Never in a million years would she intentionally hurt my feelings or berate my techniques. Whenever the annoyance begins to rise and I feel the urge to snap at her, I remember our common goal: Adam. Each of us wants to give him love, support, and a guideline for good behavior while encouraging him to have fun, be a child, and grow into his own person.

Instead of building up negativity, I should focus on the aspects of her techniques that I am lacking. I could learn a thing or two from her patience. I also appreciate the way she makes such a strong effort to make her playtime with him educational. They read books and she wheels him around in his stroller and points out various items around the house to build his vocabulary. Conversely, I tend to be a very impatient person. Many times I will let him scoot around on the floor while I multitask with ten other activities as opposed to interacting with him in a way that stimulates his brain like my mother does. I also think that she could realize a few things from me. It is not the end of the world if a child has a minor bruise from a tumble, nor do babies need to be kept in a perfectly sanitized bubble. Let it be the best of both worlds.

I encourage any mom out there who is having an issue with their own mother regarding their child to step back from the situation and take a deep breath. Remember, it is your child, and you are the ultimate decision maker. Other family members must respect your rules but that does not mean you should be a dictator. Try and learn from everyone who comes into contact with your child. Don't criticize unless it is absolutely necessary and even then do so in a way that is constructive and not mean-spirited. Surround yourself with those who love your children and never forget that you all have the same goal.