Grandparenting: How to Stay Close With Grandchildren When You're Miles Apart

As a grandparent, it's tough enough to compete with video games, television, school and friends to win a few minutes of your grandchild's time. And that's if he lives in the same town as you do. Factor in some miles, and you'll have to work harder to maintain a strong grandparent/grandchild relationship.

It can be done, and it's worth it. No one replaces a grandparent for a child. Miles apart or not, you're the voice of unconditional love. If you're miles apart, you'll just have to speak a little louder to be heard.

While the child's age will dictate how you communicate, think of it as more of an evolution. As she ages, adapt how you keep in touch. Here are some tips to keep the relationship current:

Telephone. In an Internet and text-messaging world, the art of conversation is disappearing. You'll be seen as old fashioned, and you may get the feeling it's a hassle, and you're feelings will be hurt. Remember it's different for the grandchild. That's not how he communicates with friends nowadays. Regardless of what he says, it's something he'll remember.

Don't make your calls regimented (every Tuesday at 8 p.m.), unless that's the only way to keep in touch. While not regimented, the calls should be regular. You want the child to know you will be there, once a week, whatever. It has to be something he can count on. That way, if something happens, and he needs someone to talk to, he knows he has a loved one who doesn't judge and who takes the time to listen.

Letters. Again, odds are your grandchild isn't getting old-fashioned, hand-written letters. A text message will not survive decades. How many of us have a faded letter from a friend tucked away to be read over and over when we need to connect with a friendly "voice." Make it a ritual for yourself so it's special to you, too. Buy a special pen and writing paper that you use only to write your grandchild.

Reading (for young grandchildren). Pick up a hand-held cassette player meant especially for the young child so she can control the buttons and take charge of listening to the tapes you send. Then, record your voice reading books. Make sure she has a copy of the book. Now you can share special reading time. If you are video/computer savvy, you can take that a step further which will be discussed later. You want to keep your voice in the back of her mind. Gather cassettes of music so you can share special song as well.

Email. The Internet is all about "instant" gratification. Don't use email in place of other forms of communication. It won't last in your grandchild's mind, and it certainly won't endure the physical test of time. It's more about being able to connect in the here and now. Attach photos of yourself gardening or with friends, basically you going about your normal life. The idea is to stay connected so you'll want to share average moments, as well as big moments. If you are busy with many activities, email allows you to send off a quick "thinking of you" note so the child knows you are nearby, even if physically, you're not.

Add something in the email that only the two of you will share. Start a game of some sort and give clues with each email. It will keep the child thinking about you, and give him something to look forward to. Send along clips of news/feature items you've read so you can discuss them.

Magazines. Buy two subscriptions to a favorite magazine you can share. This will depend on the age of the child. Young children like see-and-do publications and history publications put complicated items into "normal" speak. You can share and teach from far away.

Video. If you can't operate a video camera, but your children or grandchildren can, make sure they send you tapes of their family events if you live far away and can't get there. Then you can talk to your grandchild about the event. It's not the same as being there, but it's a way you can share the moments.

Computer. This will depend on how technologically savvy you are, but if you are, or know someone who is, you can set up a computer connection that will allow you to speak to the grandchild and see him while working at your computer. Once you get it set up, it will be just like sitting in front of your television screen and talking. Enlist the help of a teenage friend to get it set up. If your grandchild doesn't have the capability, this would be a great holiday or birthday gift.

If you're very computer literate, consider building a Web page to feature your family. Treat it like a family newsletter to keep everyone connected.

Traditions. Remember the things you shared with your children when they were growing up. Your grandchildren will appreciate those things as well. The extended miles shouldn't stop you. If you're a gardener, send along a care package with starter seeds, a pot and the fixing to start seeds at home. Your plants will be growing right along with your grandchild's, so you can check one another's progress. If you scrapbook, send items for her to make a simple book.

These are generic tips on communication. You'll have to make it individual to fit the child.

--One child may be a chatterbox and love the phone calls more, while the next will be introverted and appreciate being able to read and re-read a letter.

--Don't ask a series of open-ended question when you first start out a conversation. "How was your day?" That's too broad, and the child, any age, won't fill in the empty air space with meaningful answers. If your child sent you a photo with friends, ask about those in the photo. Bring up concrete subjects: the family pet, the school play, an upcoming test.

--When the child gets comfortable in the conversation, then you can switch to meaningful "emotional" questions. You'll get a real snapshot of the child's personality.

Keep in regular contact with your grandchild so when you visit him or he visits you, you won't have the awkward getting-to-know-you moments. He'll know you well enough that you won't have to waste time "catching up." You'll be able to jump right in as grandma/grandpa.