Grandparents Fighting Parents: When is it OK to Butt In?

It's easy to say grandparents should never butt in. Fighting the parents of your grand-kids seems futile. After all, just because they're your children, doesn't mean you have a right to tell them how to raise their own kids. On the other hand, you know the mistakes you made as a parent and what those mistakes cost you. You want to save them (and your grand-kids) from the same fate. Plus, there are certain situations where you have to butt in, for the welfare of the child.

What if your grand-kids are being abused? If you suspect abuse you have to step in. Your grandchildren need you. Maybe you find it uncomfortable because it's not your child who's the perpetrator. You must find the courage to stand up to your child's spouse. It could be that your child is a victim as well. Spousal abuse is crippling. Often it leaves the victim powerless to defend either themselves or their children. Grandparents who don't intercede will live to regret it.

What if your child is the perpetrator? That's a tough situation, for sure. If you suspect your child is abusive toward your grand-kids, you have to stand up to them. You might even have to provide support to their spouse. You may have to alienate yourself from your grown child. That takes a lot of strength on your part. It might be wise to let a third party intercede initially. Call the authorities or simply talk to your child's spouse. Remember, once authorities are involved, you may no longer have a choice in how the matter is handled.

What if your grand-kids are being neglected? Your child and their spouse aren't exactly guilty of intentional abuse. On the other hand, they don't seem to be giving your grand-kids the type of attention they need and deserve. In the extreme, neglect is every bit as bad as abuse. It should be approached the same way. On the other hand, if we're talking income limits for entertainment or a simple difference of opinion, grandparents should either butt out or offer help.

Can you help? Maybe your grown child just needs a little coaching on how to parent properly. Try to give suggestions without offending. For instance, you might say something like, "Remember that time when you stole candy from the store? I marched you right down and had you bring it back. I still remember the look on your face. You were terrified, but you never stole again, that's for sure." Statements like that give them a possible solution without butting in.

Sometimes it's just a matter of opinion. That's when grandparents need to butt out. You did a great job raising your kids. Now it's their turn to raise their own. They will make mistakes. Everyone does. As long as they make those mistakes with the child's best interest at heart, it's really none of your business. Yes, they're your grand-kids, but you're not the parent. Love them, pass on your wisdom and most of all, try to respect their parents wishes. It'll teach your grand-kids to respect them too.

More from Jaipi:

Advice from Your Grown Kids: Should You Listen?

Does Good Parenting or Heredity Matter More?

Standing Your Ground with Defiant Kids