Gray Area Parenting - Normal Behavior or Not?

An incident at home occurred recently that throws me into that gray area of disabled-child parenting... Is this normal 6-year-old boy behavior, or is this part of his condition? I run into that quite frequently as the son who has behavioral and mental issues (as yet undiagnosed) is our first born.

The issue at hand? Playing with matches (many over the dirty clothes pile a piece of which caught on fire.) This prompted this mom to completely freak out. I explained the dangers to him. That matches, lighters, "and fire! Fire!" is always for adults and never children. I explained that it could cause destruction of everything in our home (actually I explained his stuff that would be lost - figured he didn't care about most everything else), and the loss of life or injury that could happen to him, and us the rest of his family. He's grounded for punishment for a week (which doesn't seem enough for this particular crime, but he's 6 and it is the first time he's actually been grounded.) Another blogger gave me the fabulous idea of taking him to a fire station to learn about fire safety, and I've already got the ball rolling on that thanks to her. "Maybe it'll put the fear of God in him, or at least the fear of the firefighter's themselves!" - Her husband is a firefighter, and fire safety is paramount in their home.

But all that is fine and good, but the deeper question is - is this normal behavior or part of his disability? I need to come to a resolution in my head about that because if I believe its part of his disability I need to inform and involve the psychiatric professionals involved in his case. But on the other hand, I so don't want this listed as one of his symptoms if it is, indeed, a symptom of being a little boy.

I did a little research (websites used are at the bottom of the article). So far, he's not a pyromaniac, as "Pyromania is an impulse to set fires. Pyromania involves deliberate and purposeful fire setting on at least two occasions."₁ So far, there's only been the one instance. So, I'm still on the "normal" side of the fence. Then I found this, "Most children go through a stage where they like to see fire. This is normal. If they are taught about fire safety, supervised children can assist adults around a campfire. Some children still manage to sometimes sneak away and play with fire. This is frightening, but it is not a psychiatric disorder."₁ As I said, I'm working on teaching him about that fire safety, now. So, I'm still on the "normal" side of the fence.

But then I found this, "While children and adolescents account for over 40% of those arrested for arson in the United States, only a small percent of fires set by young people indicate the presence of pyromania. Juvenile fire-setting is usually attributed to more generalized conditions characterized by a broad range of impulsive and/or antisocial behavior, such as conduct or adjustment disorders or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)."₂ He's not diagnosed yet, but his issues very well could fall into these spectrums. So, I've now shied away from pyromania (thank God), but now I'm wondering if we're falling away from the "normal" side of the fence. Maybe it is a symptom of his disorder/disability.

I talked to my husband about it all. He shares my concern, but he was a little bit too blasé about it. I wondered aloud about that, and he said, "I played with fire as a kid - all the boys did." And considering my husband is a normal, educated, former Marine, who is a hard worker who loves his family, I've decided in this case to take that to heart. Perhaps it is normal. Perhaps it is just a boy's curiosity. I then found this, "Curiosity Fire Setting: The child is usually between 3 and 10 years old and is almost always a boy. They prefer to spend time alone and may be hyperactive. The child is curious and plays with fire to learn about it... Treatment at this stage is fire safety education."₃

I've decided that in this case, I'm safe, and my son is safe with me calling his activities normal (if not heart-stopping) and that he needs to learn about fire safety. I've got that covered, and I'm hoping that the fire professionals leave an impression on him.

This is just one of hundreds, maybe thousands, of gray areas I run into in this Parenting of Disabled Children club I stumbled into. Next time, maybe we'll fall on the other side of the fence. Maybe not. That's ok. My son's going to be just fine.

Resources used:

1. Crescentlife.com (http://www.crescentlife.com/disorders/pyromania.htm)

2. Impulse Control Disorders (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_g2602/is_0003/ai_2602000316)

3. Juvenile Fire Setters (http://www.wcfmo.org/juvenile_firesetters.html)