Great Moments in Chicago Cubs History: Useless Information

For more than 45 years, my itty-bitty brain has accumulated a large amount of useless crap from Cubs history. And it wants out! So here now, for your pleasure, is a list of all kinds of Cubbie information that is sure to wow your friends at parties-assuming you go to parties at which drugs and alcohol are consumed in enormous quantities.

C'mon Billy, Just Shut Up and Have a Goddamn Drink!

From 1883 to 1887, the Cubs had a young outfielder who would eventually gain fame, not for his ability to hit a baseball, but rather for his "fire-and-brimstone" sermons. By 1903, Billy Sunday had given up baseball to become a pain-in-the-ass evangelist who ranted and raved about the evils of booze, thus playing a major role in America's adoption of Prohibition in 1919. Thankfully, the Eighteenth Amendment was repealed in 1933 and we Americans were allowed to once again drink ourselves silly and go on with our lives.

He Hate Me!

The Cubs' legendary double-play combination of the early part of the twentieth century was made up of shortstop Joe Tinker, second baseman Johnny Evers, and first baseman Frank Chance. Despite playing side-by-side for years, Tinker and Evers despised each other and for several seasons never said a word to one another. Seeing as how the Cubs won four pennants in five years during that period, we can officially say that all this team chemistry crap we always hear about is just a flaming pile of poop.

No Runs, No Hits, No Win

On May 2, 1917, Cubs left-hander Jim "Hippo" Vaughn and Reds hurler Fred "Apparently Not a Hippo" Toney combined to produce the only double no-hitter (both teams hitless through nine innings) in baseball history. Naturally, the Reds finally recorded a hit and scored a run in the tenth inning and the Cubs lost-surprise, surprise.

With Gilligan, the Skipper Too...

Beginning in 1922, the Cubs' spring training home for most of the next 30 years was an island located 20 miles off the coast of Southern California. William Wrigley, part-owner of Catalina Island (When do you know you have lots of money? When you own a freakin' island!), decided to build a ballpark on it. Each spring, Cubs players would ferry over to the island for a couple of months of sun and fun before embarking on the disappointment of another miserable baseball season.

The Homer in the What?

Hall-of-Fame catcher Gabby Hartnett hit the most famous home run in Cubs history. In the ninth inning of a game against the Pirates during the 1938 pennant race, it was getting kind of dark outside when Hartnett belted what will forever be known as "The Homer in the Gloamin'." The home run won the crucial game for the Cubs and ultimately the pennant. In case you were wondering, "gloamin'" is actually a lazy version of the word "gloaming," which means "kind of dark." But I guess "The Homer in the Kind of Dark" would sound pretty stupid.

Let There Be Dark

Speaking of playing baseball in the "kind of dark," in 1941, Phil Wrigley was planning to have lights installed at his ballpark. Then, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and Wrigley donated the materials to the war effort because the army apparently had a greater need for night baseball than did the Cubs.

Throw the Damn Ball!

In the ninth inning of a 1949 game between the Cubs and Cardinals, Chicago centerfielder Andy Pafko made a shoe-top grab of a sinking liner by Rocky Nelson with two outs, one runner on base, and the Cubs leading 3-2. Umpire Al Barlick ruled that the ball hit the ground. As Pafko raced in to argue the call-the ball securely in his possession-the base runners, including Nelson, circled the bases for the winning runs. Right there, encapsulated in one play, is pretty much what it's like to be a Cub fan. I mean does this crap happen to other teams?

Near-Fatal Attractions

What is it with Cubs players and crazy-assed women with guns?

During the 1932 season, Billy Jurges was shot twice in his hotel room by Violet Valli. The woman said that she had done it for love, which makes you wonder what she might have done for hate. Seventeen years later, Phillies first baseman and ex-Cub, Eddie Waitkus, was shot in the chest by crazy 19-year-old Ruth Steinhagen in a Chicago hotel room. The young lady, who for years had been obsessed with the ballplayer, was so upset Waitkus had been traded away from the Cubs that she decided if she couldn't have Eddie, no one would. Yes, she had done it for love too. Like Jurges, Waitkus recovered from his injuries.

The good thing about all this craziness is that it inspired Bernard Malamud to write the novel that was made into one of the greatest baseball films of all time: The Natural, starring Robert Redford.

Mrs. Meyers, Can Lee Come Out and Play?

In 1966, 19-year-old Cubs minor league pitcher, Lee Meyers, married 35-year-old Hollywood bombshell, Mamie Van Doren. The marriage ended in '67 when Van Doren grew tired of having to drive Meyers to all of his games. Yeah, I made that part up. I don't know why they divorced, but I bet it would make a great E!True Hollywood Story.

He's Heavy and He's My Brother

On August 21, 1975, Rick and Paul Reuschel teamed up to blank the Los Angeles Dodgers by a 7-0 score. This marked the first time in major league history that brothers had combined for a shutout. At about 250 pounds apiece, the two also set the record for the most combined weight by brothers in one game, breaking the old record held by Felipe, Matty, and Jesus Alou.

The Belle of the Balls

Marla Collins was the Cubs ball girl from 1982 to 1986 until she was fired for " behavior unbecoming an employee." So what was the unbecoming behavior? Just the kind of unbecoming behavior I love-posing nude for Playboy magazine. Cubs' broadcaster Harry Caray, who was particularly smitten with the young beauty, would mention her in every broadcast. Collins normally wore a modified Cubs uniform with long pants on cold days and shorts on warm days. On what was apparently the first cold day of the season, Harry told the fans, "Hey, we see Marla Collins without shorts for the first time." After a few moments, Harry realized what he had just said and pretty much laughed until he cried for the rest of the inning. Little did Harry realize that eventually we would be seeing Marla minus much more than just her shorts.

You Take Him, No You Take Him

On September 22, 1987, the Cubs traded crappy pitcher Dickie Noles to the Detroit Tigers for a crappy player to be named later. A month later, Noles was returned to the Cubs as the crappy player to be named later.

As usual, the Cubs got screwed.

References:

http://www.retrosheet.org/

http://www.justonebadcentury.com/chicago_cubs_tales_08_27.asp

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/unknown-chicago/2010/06/the-waitkus-tragedy-6-14-1949.html