Greatest Hits: HIStory Vol. 1 by Michael Jackson

O-K... Hi everyone! As you probably know, there has been a lot of scandal surrounding Michael Jackson. Well, let me tell you. I'm not here to discuss the child molestation allegations and charges brought against Michael Jackson. Nor am I here to repeat some of the crude jokes I have heard, like the one about Michael Jackson shopping at K-Mart because he heard that little boy's panties are half off.

I'm not gonna do any of that. I am not gonna talk about the multiple operations that were performed on Michael's face, like the cheek bone implants or the nose surgeries. Nor will I discuss his Neverland Ranch property where he built an amusement park and private zoo for economically disadvantaged and terminally ill children.

Although these topics are interesting, they are not the reason why I am here-honest! I am here to review the man's music-his Michael Jackson Greatest Hits History-Volume I CD.

This review, by the way, is brought to you "live"-with no past tense and no commercials.

THE SHRINK WRAP

Where's the kitchen knife? Oh here it is. Uhh! There I got the shrink wrap started. I'm peeling it off. I bet you thought I was kidding when I told you this review is brought to you live. I am not kidding. I am now looking at the CD booklet. It has a lot of pictures of Michael-surprise, surprise!

His photos show him posing with Liz Taylor, Steven Spielberg, Diana Ross, Oprah and many more celebrities. In some of the older photos, his complexion is darker and he has a bigger nose. Fascinating stuff.

According to the CD booklet, most of the songs were written by Michael Jackson--what a coincidence! He's the same guy I'm reviewing!

THE CD

Now I'm putting on my head phones and slipping the CD into the tray. Let's see what these tracks are all about:

Billy Jean: Ooh whee! I can dance to this jam! This song has a factory production-line beat-very steady and sure. What the..? What is he singing? I think he's singing "oooh!" and "chickachoo" (???). I now hear some good rhythmic guitar riffs. I can't quite make out the lyrics. I think he's singing something about Billy Jean not being his lover or something. Anyway, let's move on.

The Way You Make Me Feel: Another great rhythm section. The synthesizers, bass, and drums have a synchronized rhythm. I can dance to this jam too. What is he singing? Chicakoo, chicakoo? The other lyrics I understand-I think:

The way you make me feel
You really turn me on
You knock me off my feet
My lonely days are gone...

Black or White: This song starts off with a kid arguing with his pop. The pop thinks the kid is playing the music too loud-what a big surprise that is. Now it sounds like the kid is putting in a new CD in his CD player. Oh, it's the song Black or White. How clever. PUMP UP THE JAMMMMMMM!!!! This song is HOT!!! ROCK IN THE HOUSE! Excuse me, I can't sit still. I'll be back in a in a bit.

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Now that jam has some great guitar hooks and rhythm. I had to dance to it.

Rock With You: I hear a disco beat (?) Shouldn't this song be called "Disco with You"?

She's Out of My Life: Ain't that the truth! Maybe if I send her flowers...oh well. This song is a really sad ballad. I think it made Michael blubber at the end. It is really beautiful, though. This is one of my favorites on this CD.

Bad: Yep. That about covers it. Let's move on.

I Just Can't Stop Loving You: This is a pretty ballad where Michael is singing a duet with some chick. It has an electric piano, synthesizer backdrop, a medium beat that you can slow dance to with the girl that's out of your life-hehehe!

Man In the Mirror: I'm sorry. I can't resist-he's had so many surgeries; I wonder if Michael Jackson recognizes himself when he looks in the mirror? This song has synthesizers and a finger-snapping rhythm.

Thriller: This is a great song! Lots of wolves howling, a spooky wind blowing, and a Vincent Price voice over! It also has a kick-down-the-backdoor beat! PUMP UP THE JAMMMMMMM!!!! THIS SONG IS HOT!

Beat It: Hey! Where ya going?! Don't leave the dance floor yet! DON'T BEAT IT. DANCE TO THIS ONE, BABAY! The landlord is beating down your door to collect the rent! That's how intense the beat is in this PARTAY SONGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

The Girl Is Mine: This song has sort of a slow hip-hop beat. It has a very slick smooth arrangement with synthesizers, EQ'd guitars. This is a duet with Paul McCarthy. It is OK I guess. Paul McCarthy hits a really low note in this song. I thought that was impressive.

Remember the Time: Remember? I wish I could forget this song. I can't get it out of my head. Maybe if I skip to the next track-ahh...that's better.

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough: WHUUUUU!!!! I can't sit still and write! Excuse me, again!

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Now that was a song you can moon walk too! This song has incredible syncopated guitar rhythms coordinating with a back beat that will give you an Indy 500 rush!

Excuse me, one more time. I have to go to the little boy's room-told you that this review is "live." Now do you believe me?

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(FLUSHHHHHH!!!!)

OK, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah...

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin': This song reminds me of a country song-NOT! OWWWW!!! Here we go again! I'll be back! Gotta move my feet!

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Ditto on this HOT JAM! You can moon walk to this one too! After all the dancing I've been doing, I am awfully thirsty. Let's see what I have in the fridge: Orange juice looks good. (Glug...glug...glug...) I like to drink it right out of the carton (BELCH!). Excuse me.

One song left to review:

Heal the World: This song is a nice sweet (yawn) ballad about making the world (yawn) a better place. It has a nice sentimental.....zzzz....zzzz.....zzzz.....zzzz....zzz.....zzz.....

MICHAEL'S SINGING

How do I describe it? It sounds good, but it sounds like his underwear is on too tight.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think Michael Jackson is a fabulous entertainer. When he performs live, he reminds me of a kid who's desperate to go to the bathroom-I mean that in a good way--trust me.

I really enjoyed listening to most of the songs on this CD and if you're a Michael Jackson fan, I know you will too. Well, that concludes my totally "live" review of this CD. Thanks for reading it and I hope to see you again real soon.

Remember: Don't stop 'til you get enough!

THE TRACKS

Billie Jean
The way you make me feel
Black or White
Rock With You
She's Out of My Life
Bad
I Just Can't Stop Loving You
Man In the Mirror
Thriller
Beat It
The Girl Is Mine
Remember the Time
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
Heal the World