Grieving During Holidays: Make Time for Yourself

As we enter into another holiday season, some people are not feeling joy. In fact, the thought of the approaching holiday season without a loved one who has passed away can catapult some people into a deep depression. While this is to be expected after recently losing a loved one, many people are surprised to learn that the grieving process does not end after the first year of loss.

In the United States, we do not recognize, much less appreciate, the need to grieve our losses. When a loved one passes away, we offer condolences and some emotional support at first, but after the funeral is over, we go back to our lives. Meanwhile the bereaved family and close friends are left to grieve alone with very little guidance about how to do it.

When my father passed away during my teen years, I was unfamiliar with the grieving process. I expected that the first year was going to be hard: The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Father's Day without him was going to hurt. However, my expectation was that, after the anniversary of his passing came and went, my life would go on without much pain. I was wrong.

I found the second year without my father to be just as painful as the first but in a different way. The first year stung because each occasion was my first without him. However, the second year ached because it drove home the finality of his passing. He really was gone, and I would be observing each occasion for the rest of my life without his presence. The process of fully accepting this reality was enormously painful.

What made this process even harder was the fact that most people in my life expected me to be "over it" by then. He had been deceased for over a year, so it was time for me to move on with my life. I was moving on, but I still felt an enormous sense of loss. I needed to grieve that loss, and that need did not go away just because other people believed that I should be over his passing. Whether or not I should be over it was irrelevant: I was not over it.

If you are entering into your second year of holidays without a loved one, be very gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Perhaps you need to shed some more tears, or maybe you need to deal with residual anger at your loved one for "leaving you." Whatever you are feeling, it is okay, and necessary, to express those emotions. It is through expressing your emotions that you heal them.

Do not worry about anyone else's opinion on your need to grieve. If you need to take some time for yourself, then do it. It is through actively grieving our losses that we heal our pain. The grieving process will help you to accept your loss and find a way to be okay with your new reality. If you will face your pain and allow yourself to grieve now, then you will be in a much better place after the holidays pass.