Grieving the Loss of a Pregnancy

No. It can't be true. The ultrasound screen has to be wrong. For 10 weeks you have dreamed about your baby, everything from what he/or she will look like to who they will become in life. You have never been happier, your belly has grown, and friends say you are glowing. How can it be that the doctor now tells you the baby has died, you've had a miscarriage?

Grief. Such a small word for such a deep pain. Who can understand? How do you explain?

Those people who mean well, with the comments that cut to the heart. "You can try again, it wasn't meant to be, something must have been wrong with the baby". So many people mean well, but have no idea what to say.

When will the crying stop? When will you be able to breathe again? While you grieve, who has to be strong? The father of the baby? Is he allowed to grieve and cry? Likely not. He must delay his emotions while he appears strong and explains to everyone what happened. It is often very difficult for the spouse or significant other during times of grief. All the focus tends to be on the grieving mother, but the father may be suffering in silence.

You see your medical records and the words "Spontaneous Abortion" scream out at you. What??? How can that possibly be the medical description? No one aborted this baby. Surely the medical establishment can come up with another name that is not so offensive. Miscarriage sounded bad enough.

There are 5 stages of grief that everyone goes through. Denial is the first emotion you will feel - someone has to be wrong. Once you start getting angry, you know you are moving through the stages. Anger can last a long time, but is eventually replaced with a bargaining state of mind. The fourth stage of grief is depression, and this is where many women who have suffered a pregnancy loss get stuck. They just can't seem to move forward and accept what has happened. Many women become reclusive, not wanting to leave their homes for fear of seeing anyone who might mention the loss. Sometimes the crying is incessant and other times the mother just feels vacant. Going in to public seems like the wrong thing to do. Maybe the mother should stay home and be in mourning longer.

It doesn't help that most people in your life will be encouraging you to "get over it" and move on with your life. This pressure just makes everything worse. Men traditionally don't show as much emotion and this often further upsets the mother. How did he get over this so fast? The comforting news I have for you today is this - you will never "get over it". You will simply "get through it".

When you stop pressuring yourself to move on with your life and "forget" you will be able to mourn the loss of your baby and keep a part of the baby's memory inside you. It is recommended that you keep anything having to do with this pregnancy in a special place until you are mentally ready to decide if you want to keep it or discard it. Your positive pregnancy test, the ultrasound pictures, the prenatal vitamins. Some grieving mothers feel pressured to "move on" and act like everything is fine.

There are many on-line support groups filled with women who understand, who have been there. You may find comfort there, and I can promise you - no one will tell you "it was meant to be". Comforting music, soothing poems, such as the ones on this site - members.tripod.com/~CheriR/Angels.html -

can help to heal your heart and give you hope.

You will get through this. Your precious baby wants this for you. Those of us who have been there with you understand, even if no one else seems to. We simply know and grieve with you.