Grieving Siblings

The loss of loved ones always hurts, and there is always a grieving process that the survivors of that loved one must go through. However, through my personal grieving experience, I have found that siblings have fewer grieving resources and seem to be a neglected group of grievers, usually becoming secondary grievers to parents.

Sibling relationships play extremely important roles in our lives, especially in today's world, where we are more likely to grow up with siblings than with a father. Also, with divorce rates soaring, it has been found that children that come from divorced families tend to depend on and need their siblings more than children who come from families where the parent's have a good relationship.

The sibling relationship is the longest relationship we will experience in life. Depending on where you fall in birth order, you either grow up always having your older siblings in your life, never knowing what it's like with out them, or you will know your younger siblings from their very first breath. These relationships shape us and make us the people we become. Growing together with your siblings you will experience more life experiences with them than any other relationship you have and you discover the similarities you share and the unique differences between you. Usually, one sibling's strength is the other's weakness, and they learn to work together using their differences to create wholeness in each other.

When a sibling passes, the surviving siblings tend to experience a loss of self. When you know someone from birth, your identity is based on having them there. When they pass away, the strengths that the deceased sibling lent to the surviving siblings are gone and they must learn how to continue with out those strengths or find them within themselves. They must continue with their life and move toward the future even though they have lost a big part of that future when they lost their sibling. Usually, most events, including births, holidays, weddings, etc. forever after are bittersweet.

Siblings sometime don't feel validated in their grief. Some outsiders will understand the parent's grief, but expect the siblings to "get over" the death quickly. Surviving siblings also deal with a change in their relationship with their parents, usually feeling that they have also lost their parents in some ways. They usually feel sadness for their parents and will try to protect their parents or try to fill in some of the rolls that the lost sibling used to fill. Depending on age, if the sibling that passed and the surviving siblings are young, the surviving siblings may feel different from their peers and alone, which will often lead to some from of depression.

Dealing with the death of a sibling can be very difficult, especially with out help. If you or someone you know is grieving the loss of sibling, remember it takes time to heal, and the pain doesn't go away. However, with support, surviving siblings can grow through the grieving process and come out on the other side with a better understanding of themselves and the roll they play in their family. For help:

http://www.adultsiblinggrief.com/about.htm

http://counselingstlouis.net/

http://dying.lovetoknow.com/Adults_Grieving_the_Death_of_a_Sibling