Groundhog Wins the Day for Freedom

Six more weeks of winter? A glorious spring? Which is it? The anxious audience awaiting Punxsutawney Phil's predictions were not primarily concerned with the weather this year.

"He's really holding up well, setting an example. He's not going to let the terrorists win." remarked one woman in the restless throng awaiting Phil's appearance at Gobbler's Knob.

Early risers who flocked to the Punxsutawney Stage this morning had to undergo extensive security screening before being admitted to see the famous groundhog's performance. The reason? A new fanatical sect of the fundamentalist group, 'Humans are Carnivores!' have revealed in recent weeks their plan to capture and eat Phil on camera.

"We're gonna roast him on kabobs and eat him on live video stream.", announced the group's leader, an Illinois press brake operator who goes by the handle 'Rigor Mortis'.

Earlier this morning, the group officially announced a jihad against PETA via Internet. PETA or 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals' will be releasing their official response this afternoon. Spokesman for co-founder Ingrid Newkirk is urging vigilance in the meanwhile. "Lock up your cats, hide the goldfish. These are madmen we're dealing with."

Observers at the scene noted that Phil's handlers seemed nervous. "They had tasers. It was awesome." remarked 12 year old Robert Heeley of Allentown.

When Phil did appear, it was to raucous applause and shouts of encouragement. Phil didn't tarry, but got right down to business and predicted a quick, decisive end to the reality television trend. When asked his opinion of the 2008 presidential election, he peed on his handler's shoe. This was taken as tacit support for the current administration.

Phil seemed strangely at ease considering fanatic radicals were out for his flesh, but friends of the groundhog point out that Phil's son, Celsius, stayed near him throughout the festivities. "He's more nervous than he lets on. That little whistlepig has character, he really does.", said Phil's cosmetician, Rita.

To cap off the affair, Phil predicted an early spring.

Phil was heard to comment, under his breath as the flash-bulbs went off, "Take that, you bloody carnivores. I hope Carmen Electra is still in my dressing room."