Growing Up, Making Choices, and Accepting Consequences

When the kids were young "help" meant everything from feeding, changing, clothing, bathing, wiping, hugging, kissing, caring, crying, providing, counseling, busing, paying and more. Again, this is OK when kids are young. They need you for that. Kids need reassurance, kindness, hugs, kisses, bedtime stories, art with noodles, baking cookies, and playing. Sporting events, school activities, homework, bake sales, performances, school supplies, lunches, etc. They need attention and they need help.

As kids grow into adults, they need a different kind of help. Now, "help" has changed into "support". Support is simply being there when or if they want to talk. My parents have taught me that support is a place to call to celebrate the most exciting events, just to talk about the weather, or even talk about things that are very painful. The celebrations are easy. "Way to go", "great job", "I knew you could do it", and "you deserve it" are all phrases that can be drawn from when they were young. Success is important to celebrate regardless of age or achievement.

Talking about the weather can be easy, but these conversations are bland...but sometimes it is just nice to hear their voice, for even a short time. These tend to be obligatory phone calls, but if continued, these calls can blossom into more meaningful opportunities to connect. This goes for parents too, though - remember to stay connected to your adult children. They are busy, just as you are, but they should never feel like they always have to write or call. Parents need to, too.

The hardest conversations to endure are those in which kids are in some kind of pain, but these are the most important. These conversations can be rare from adult children....if they ever occur at all (which is even worse). Some kids think that if they are having troubles then they can't talk about the problem honestly because they don't want to disappoint the people that care about them. If people are not honest or choose to completely avoid talking about a situation because they cannot handle dealing with the consequences of their actions or what was dealt them, then they are missing out on needed support. Some would rather not discuss things still because, again, they don't want the potential costs of making that call or connection - it could lead to a discussion, advice, or a lecture. Some still won't make the call because they are too proud, too embarrassed, or too whatever. To these adult children remember that your "bad situations" may impact your support network (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.) but not for the reasons you would think. It hurts not because your life impacts them, but because your support network wants your life to be easy and for you to have no hurt. If you have been dealt a tough hand, then deal with it head on. Avoidance does no good.

IMPORTANT ASIDE: Your decisions are just that - YOURS! You own them and the consequences attached to them, good or bad. Parents of adult children stop having liability once they become adults, after age 18. This is a foreign concept to young adults and can be for years. Parents don't have to agree with or approve of what their adult children are doing. However, most parents of most children care 100% of the time, in good or bad situations.

So, you may ask, what is this all about? Why write this? Because there are things I have learned over the years and I need to vent.

1. People don't make the right decisions 100% of the time. But, a person can draw strength and understanding from any decision made and the consequences that follow. When you become an adult - own it. All of it. It is no longer on your parents to make you successful. It is on you. If you were given a good start, you should be able to navigate life fairly well. If you don't think you got a good start, then get over it and figure it out. Lose the blame game. Your driving your own bus - so where are YOU going to take YOU?

2. Consequences can be good and bad and don't always have an action that follows. Yup - my kids will say they have heard this one. Everything has a consequence and some things that you don't think have them, do. Surprised? I hope not. We have all heard "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Well, that sort of applies, but it goes more like, "for every action there is an equal or unequal, action, reaction, or stillness." If you have been through anything in your life and were surprised that you reaped no consequences, that is the stillness which can be just as devastating.

3. People respect your decisions even if you take a path they wouldn't choose. Yeah, that's right. You can do the wrong things and people still love and care about you. Better, You can do what you think is right and some people won't agree with you or they will think it is wrong. The thing to realize here is that it is wrong for them - perhaps not you. Respect that - We can agree to disagree. Yes, that is true. I would rather do that and stand up for my beliefs, than give in or avoid conflict.

4. People care about what happens to you. Like number 3, regardless of the path you choose, people care. If you have been dealt a bad hand or if something is not going the way you had hoped - look to others for guidance and support.

5. Your troubles do not disappoint others, but indicate that you are learning your way in life - Your own way. See number 3.

6. As long as your actions impact only you, others will be only as involved as you care them to be. It is true. If you make a decision that impacts the health and safety of others, they tend to get involved - quickly and fiercely. I say, live your life as much the way you want without impacting the health and safety of others.

7. All you have to say is, "Here is what is going on. I don't want a lecture, but I thought you should know." This is a particularly interesting point. As an adult child myself, there have been times when I did a bonehead thing and I needed someone to talk to, but knew I was going to get a lecture. Well, here is the thing - I called and said the first line in number 7 and an amazing thing happened. My parents said, so what are you going to do about it? How are you going to handle it? What can you do to make it better? More things to make me think more than anything. I want to pass that on to my children. I don't have to fix your problems, nor will I try. I have come to accept this. I am, however, willing to listen if you have a problem and let you talk so that you can figure out in your mind how to fix it. Huh, weird.

8. Be honest. It is the best way - always. Lies are strings that attach to different places, people and events. Once a lie is told, another must be told to cover the first and it never ends. We have all heard, :Oh, what a tangled web we weave..." Sadly and more often than not, lies are found out. Parents of adult children don't always tell their adult children that they know what they are being told is a lie...they know, but they let those adult children continue to lie. Why? Parents do this because they hope that one day that adult child will wake up and say,"you know what....I don't have to tell lies to get through. I just have to state the problem, determine a solution, and resolve it."

9. Avoidance does no good. OK, so I think it is good to let things simmer a while. You don't have to be knee jerk, but you should always take things head on and deal with whatever it is. Avoiding conflict, problems, or troubles only lets them fester and grow...sometimes explode. Deal with your problems, tell the truth, and move on. Don't let it (whatever it is) hold you down.

10. There is more to learn. Yup, I'm an eternal student. I don't know everything, I'll be the first to tell you. But I do know this, everyday there is a lesson to be learned and everyday I learn something new. I even learned things about raising children after they were out of my house that I wish I could have employed when they were home. Keep learning, I will, and I'll try to pass it on to you - whoever reads this.